How do i deal with a super judgmental friend?

I have this “friend”/ ex boyfriend who seems to think it’s his personal job to lecture me and judge me on every relationship , life or money choice I’ve ever made in my life

If I date a new guy, he proceeds to tell me I’m moving on too fast, and that I should still be single. If I spend any money, he lectures me on my spending. If I slipped up at work, he would badger me about what I did wrong. If I wanted to vent to him, he would make sure I felt horrible about complaining.

He’s recently told me I should remain single for a while, amd that while I’m still at Job Corp, I should completely isolate myself,amd that I shouldn’t be concerned with having friends, and that my future should be more important than maintaining a healthy relationship with my friends and family. He’s also said I need to listen to him, or I’m doomed

I admit I’m not the best with my life. But I’m currently working towards a Certificate in Office Administration, at Job Corps . I’m engaged to my boyfriend, and we’re working towards becoming financially stable together. I have a functional relationship with most of my friends and family. I pay my own phone bill. I’m trying out best to grow up and be responsible

He left home to date a 15 year old girl at 19 years old. He moved in with her, and expected her family to support him. He had, and still has no job. Hr now is supported by his aunt. And his grandmother pays his phone bill. He’s lost almost all his friends.

I firmly believe that all my mistakes are learning devices, that have taught me lessons. I feel my mistakes made me who I am today. And I believe his mistakes made him who he is today. If not for your hose mistakes, he would’ve not learned valuable lessons.

His judgemental nature often leaves me feeling pretty down about my life amd choices. It makes me feel extremely bad about a lot of what I’ve done.
I know I shouldn’t care about what he says, but I do

What should I do?
(FYI, him and I are both 20)

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BlackPegasus

112

6 Answers

1 accepted

Yikes. I'm sorry that you have to deal with such a manipulative person! From you explaining his life, it sounds like you already know that he has no room to talk or to tell you what to do. I know that it is hard to break away from people - especially if you were committed to them in the past. Just remember that you don't owe anyone ANYTHING, and that no one has the right to tell you how to live your life. You know yourself better than anyone, and even if you don't have a history of making the best decisions it is your life, and it's not okay for someone to constantly demean and control you.
It sounds like your 'friend' is very toxic and brings a lot of stress into your life. I would maybe sit down and ask yourself if their friendship is worth it. If you decide that it is, it would be important going forward to consider setting ground rules with him. Perhaps you could tell him that you don't want his advice about anything unless you specifically ask for it. And if he cannot support these ground rules you set for him, then maybe it's better if you look for friendship elsewhere.
I hope that everything works out.

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-H-

If you want to keep talking to him, you can stop any unwelcomed advice with a lot of "I'll think about it" + changing topic, "I already said I'll think about it" + change of topic, and calling him out on insisting after that, possibly ending the conversation and staying away for a few days/weeks, so he learns bad behavior=conversation ends. You can also consider making him a friend you talk to only on small doses, with a long time to recover from the negativity in between.

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rinseandrep

7,397

Easy: end up the friendship. I'm sorry if I'm being straight forward, but life is way too short to waste time with judgemental people. You should feel happy and be surrounded with people who love you for who you are and try their best to support your life choises

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mariko

752

The person above me is right. Besides your boyfriend, you really need to remove everyone else from your life and gain new people. I'm in a similar situation so i'm teaching myself this as well. Sometimes people get too comfortable being around us and feel the need to judge. They see it as helping when we know it's not. Wish your ex and friends the best of luck in life and actually start living yours for once. Good luck :)

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laylab95

407

I wouldn't talk to him anymore because you don't need any negativity in your life. You need to live life the way you want to and not take crap from anyone. Don't let him tell you what to do.

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Lizzie

This is why I'm not friends with my exes. They just complicate everything. Judgmental people aren't helpful, and I don't keep them around. I just don't have time for the negativity. Sounds like he doesn't bring any happiness/positivity to your life. Maybe just stop hanging out with him.

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amg