How can I move forward from her?


When it comes down to I loved her and I still do, even if I did end it. But we weren’t good for each other at least not now. We were, but aren’t we’d fight, one of us would cry, and talk about how much we wanted to self harm. She said offensive things about my core personality unintentionally, and I sometimes was so distant emotionally I couldn’t help her enough. But we weren’t a good relationship. I’d go to her house every few days and we wouldn’t do anything besides please her. I like making her feel good and things but I just felt so empty inside. We used to watch shows or talk but not anymore it’s just that. And if we were talking online it’d only be to solve her problems, real conversations were almost impossible unless helping her problems. While those things are nice they just weren’t a relationship, just being a guardian and trying to pleasure her. But she loved me and I loved her so ending it made her mad. She hates me I don’t blame her, I just want to help her. I told her friends to be there for her, and it made her hate me more saying I have no business worrying for her, but I love her. I just want to move on and want to know what to do.

Category: Tags: asked February 25, 2014

4 Answers

I don't mean to be insensitive as you're in a lot of emotional pain right now, but it seems like a relationship that was ultimately just one person using another. Did she ever come to you and the take the initiative to solve YOUR problems? Did she ever try to please YOU?
I know that you're the type of person who really likes the idea of protecting and caring for someone, but not all relationships are configured in a way that is reminiscent of a parent/guardian-child based one. A relationship that you're describing, between two partner requires both of them to work hard to keep it alive. If one person's having problems with his/her life, obviously the other partner should help out but the person afflicted will have to help him/herself as well. Why? Because that person is half of the relationship. If he/she's falling apart, then so will the relationship due to the issues that will result from that. (arguments, hard feelings, blaming, etc) One can't expect to push all the problems and responsibilities towards the other partner. That's not a balanced or a stable relationship.
I think in terms of moving on, it will help if you catch yourself thinking about her and stop; think about other things. Easier than said, but you will not get over something if you think about it constantly. Also, though it's cliche, time will help to distance your past and the present. As more days pass, this "yesterday" will become less relevant to your "today." If you remember other problems you've had in the past, you may realize that it no longer bothers you as much as it did at that time. This will work like that. Don't sweat it and let life work itself out. Think about what you can do to take care of yourself for the time being and what you want to do in terms of life--your next step towards another chapter, in a way.
Hope you'll feel better soon. Have a great day. -Ravvi
In all situations of moving on, be it with bullies, lovers or anything. The answer always tends to be distancing yourself from that which you would like to move on from. Less exposure is the gradual yet effective cure.
While a good answer that I thank you for. I know I can't do that, or won't. I want to make sure she doesn't self harm again or is safe. She's talked about harming because of us ending. And the last person I dated after being there and me just leaving, tried to kill herself. I stupidly enough do too much making myself their biggest support making them rely on me. I don't want that to happen to her. I can't but I want to try and well not feel this shitty.
You could try just supporting her without the 'pleasing'. Get her to be more comfortable in herself, bring her out places to hang out with new people and drift into the friendzone. Being tied to someone because they threaten violence every time you leave is not a great plan in the long term.