I just feel….so overwhelmed..and confused. All of the relationships that I’ve been in so far(I’m 18 btw) have never lasted more than 6 months…and most of them weren’t exactly healthy for me…two of them were clinical psychopaths and suicidal as well…and I’ve made some poor choices in those two relationships due to what I thought was love…but I suspect that in both cases they were using me…neither of them tried to hurt me and they both claimed that they respected me(and who knows, maybe they did)…but they were both violent to other people…and I made myself indifferent so that it wouldn’t hurt as much(mentally)…and thankfully once I got out of denial enough to realize that I needed to get the heck out of there in the first situation, she was starting to loose interest and we went our separate ways…but with the second one, I’m afraid to cut off from him completely since unlike the first one, he is still suicidal…and he was my friend before we got intimate…though we actually live far away from each other so it was never physical…and he doesn’t know my address…he knows my full name and phone number though(we’ve known each other since elementary school and used to be neighbors before I moved)…but the main issue is that I’m afraid that if I stop being as intimate that he’ll kill himself…and there’s an obvious issue with how I deal with relationships since I seem to for some reason open up to and trust people that want to harm both themselves and others(though I admit that I didn’t know these parts of them until far into the relationship…so it wasn’t that part that I was attracted to)…and it worries me…when I was in other relationships that were healthy I would always be afraid that I was being to forward or that I would scare them away or would be bothering them if I opened up to them…but since I didn’t open up to them…they felt like I wasn’t emotionally invested enough…and I didn’t feel confident enough in myself to correct them and tell them how I really felt…and I just feel like I have some pretty bad luck with relationships…and I want to be in a healthy one…and I’m hoping that college will maybe open up opportunities for some…but at the same time I feel terrified of the prospect of trusting another human being again…because it seems like every time that I do…I get emotionally stabbed…but if I don’t trust them…then I get abandoned…and….I…just feel so lonely…and overwhelmed…and tired…and I know I want to be loved…but I’m just not sure if it’s possible…and I…I’m just…feeling really down because of it…and it’s not that I feel suicidal or anything…I’ve never seen that as something appealing or an option…it’s just that I feel like I’m being ripped apart from the inside out emotionally…and…it’s terrible…and I feel like the mistakes I made in the two relationships I mentioned make me not human…and that if I ever revealed those things to anyone else that I would be abandoned on the spot…and there are some other things regarding my sexuality that I’m afraid that they’ll reject me for as well…..and I just don’t know who I’m supposed to trust anymore…and I just feel so goddamn lonely…and useless…and tainted…and sick…and unworthy…and…I just want some advice(please)…….
