So I’ve been really really okay recently, no flipping out or anything. There was once a time when looking in the mirror was painful but I’m to the point now I can look at myself and like what I see even if my body isn’t what I believed it needed to be to be beautiful before recovery. Other than a couple days last month when I tried to drink only liquids I’ve been okay. But the holidays are coming and to be honest I’m terrified. I’m so worried about them that I feel like I should skip the family dinners just to be safe. I’m worried i’ll have another hate cycle (holidays always always started hate cycles before) and even though I’ve spoken with my Granma and my aunt and everyone, they feel like I should be over it. My aunt gets vicious and starts yelling at me to cut it out and that I’m “too old for all this b*llsh*t, be an adult.” hahahaha right. I also just learned that for Christmas my cousins are coming which is great but my uncle is also coming. My uncle is the bane of my existence. When he visited when I was 12, he sat me down to tell me how no one could love or know the real me because I was fat. Which is probably where this all started. He always had something to say to me and I was really scared of him. When we got older, my brother actually told him to lay off or he’d hit him and ever since he’s been let me be but, how do I handle this? Would it be better to avoid these situations completely?
You are better than the negativity. Having an eating disorder is a real disease. You can get better, but you have to want to...Go to Christmas dinner and enjoy your family. Only take a little bit of everything and pick at it. People won't even realize you didn't eat a ton if you act normal and not awkward. You can do it. Don't let this monster ruin another holiday- you deserve better. If you family criticizes you, just say you are fine and move on.You are strong, beautiful, and deserve happiness. Best of luck to you...
I, also, suggest trying to make it. And I agree that if you don't feel like you would be able to go, give a polite phone call apologizing that you won't be able to make it because you're sick.
I'm sorry you're getting the negativity from your family. This isn't something you "grow out of" as you get older, it is something you deal with almost every day and learn how to take control of. (I have struggled self-harm for over half of my life. I still experience my old triggers from time to time, but I try to calm myself down to where I no longer feel like going through with it. And no, my family doesn't understand it as well. Their "advice" was "just don't [do it].")
I also agree with the idea of filling your plate with the foods that you like/think are appropriate. Then, eat what you deem to be the right amount/"pick" at your food. After you are done, wait until a few others have stopped eating and then "do away" with your plate, expressing something along the lines of "I'm full, I can't eat another bite" if appropriate. If you "over fill" your plate and don't eat it all, it doesn't appear suspicious.
(I am on the small side, and I get accused of "not eating enough", especially at extended family get togethers. I have used the above method so that family members will not accuse me of not eating enough. Its not a fool-proof method, but it has worked for me.)