Help with relationship with Deployed Soldier

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I am a 26 year old female who is attractive, confident, two college degrees, no children and I’m very loyal. For the past 2 years or so, I have been dating a wonderful man. We ironically are from the same city. He is in Afghanistan currently and we have been separated for about 11 months and he is returning very soon in May 2014. He also has a Bachelor’s degree, same age and no kids, I know surprising! He is very intelligent and a huge thinker sometimes too much for his own good. He was in a 2-3 year relationship with a girl in college who took advantage of him, time and time again she would cheat and she would tell him, but he would stay and hope she would stop. Then he thought he was in love and bought a ring to propose. He held onto it to make sure and the same week she told him she cheated on him for like the 4th time but this time with his friend. He broke it off and it took him 2 depressed years to get over this rachet girl. He didn’t believe in marriage anymore and thought all girls were scandalous. We share our heartbreaks about our exes and he told me he was over all of it. My issue is as we progressed and I become his official girlfriend he started to question my whereabouts, who certain people were, the clothes I wore etc. He would overthink and dig deep into things and ask a million questions. Each time I would assure him he is the only one. Mind you, that I NEVER gave him reason to doubt me or think I was unfaithful…it’s because of his past pain and has even admitted that he knows he has a problem and that he finally started really trusting me after one whole YEAR of us being together. That really hurts a genuine woman like me! So I gave him an ultimatum and told him I would have to walk away b/c the main ingredient in a relationship is trust and he doesn’t fully have that for me. So he begs me not to leave him and promised he would change. I even went to counseling separately and he has done 2 over-the phone- sessions there which has helped me but he thinks his didn’t b/c he said he already knew everything. Let me give you some other information on my pain besides him not trusting me: before deployment he planned to propose and told all my co-workers and his too but he didn’t go thru with it because he wanted a better ring and decided it’s best if he was here so we can enjoy it together. I was left here to answer questions from people who didn’t understand why it didn’t happen. That was very embarrassing and took me a while to get over and want an engagement period. On top of that, before we were “official” I found a half naked girl in his phone and another girl that called him at 4am. He handled both incidents and I haven’t had any issues since then which was like 2 years ago, but wouldn’t you think I was the one with TRUST issues?! Lastly, let me give you some example of his trust problems which have heightened since he has been deployed: I threw him a lavish SURPRISE going away party before he left and after I threw it he told me he thought I was cheating on him b/c I was secretive- duh I was planning as surprise! Mind you this is 2 weeks before he left and then he realized that he should trust me (after 1 year of us together) and that he should of proposed. I went to a comedy club with my girls, took a pic with the famous comedian and he was upset b/c I took a group pic with my friends and the comedian had his hand around my waist. Not in any certain way, it was a regular pose and he went crazy saying that’s a pose only couples do. Then, I went to the strip club for the FIRST time with my girls he was happy for me b/c this was the time period he was supposed to be working on trust and he tells me “I trust you ,have a good time, throw some $, let ur hair down” etc like he was cool with it. Two weeks past and obviously it’s been on his mind and he asks me in depth questions about the strippers which I told him I wouldn’t answer bc I know how he gets and got so mad bc I wouldn’t tell him! It’s like he tells me he trusts me to convince himself first, which is not genuine to me. I’ve wrote to much I know…but recently he told me he thinks I have another guy lined up or that I might be seeing someone else randomly which threw me over the top bc I have been totally loyal. I have cut off any guy friends, stopped going out to avoid issues, and I tell him everything. Everything else about him is PERFECT. In essence, He treats me good and bad at the same time. He always sends flowers, sentimental gifts, goes out of his way but he doesn’t realize I’m yearning for his trust which is not the same as these love gestures. He tells me he wants to get engaged as soon as he comes home and that I’m his soulmate, I’ve given him reason to believe in love again etc. I urgently need to decide something before he retuns bc he lives with me My friends tell me to stick with him bc I can’t find a man who is 100%. Can his trust issue be fixed?? What should I do? Is this enough to walk away from?

Category: asked March 5, 2014

4 Answers

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accepted
While I understand that he was seriously hurt in a previous relationship and that his trust is hindered by it, some of his behavior is quite questionable. Not only does he not seem to fully trust you but he also seems to be insecure. A red flag to me is that he was concerned about who you're hanging out with and how you dress. That's a dangerous road to go down. Don't let him become controlling over your life and decisions. I'm not saying that he will, but please be careful about that. I'm sure that you two have talked about this before, but before you say yes to a proposal you need to get this trust issue taken care of. If he is not willing to work on his issues then I would suggest that you get out of the relationship. I have no doubt that you love each other, but keep in mind that this could be the person you spend the rest of your life with. You need to be happy. Couples therapy might help if you don't see progress from just talking face to face. I would suggest keeping a journal or a log of his behaviors and take note of any possible triggers. I would also question if he does these thoughtful things and giving you gifts randomly to make you happy or after he's upset yet you to try to smooth things out. Just please remember that your happiness is your priority.
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Fixing trust issues, takes time. A lot of time. It's hard for anyone (male or female) to learn to trust after someone destroyed it. It's like putting a puzzle together but the pieces aren't all together in a box you have to search to find where they are.If you think he is worth sticking it out for, then be ready for a long road. You can't rush him or force him to trust. He has to learn to on his own. If you don't think so, then you're going to have to end it.Bottom line. You need to be happy. He needs to be happy. Hopefully you can be happy together.
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Soldiers are trained to trust their training and that tends to carry over into all aspects of their personal lives. Let's face it. If you don't trust the guy fighting beside you who can you trust. I can not see that you have done anything wrong in this relationship. I understand him having trust issues in a relationship and it will take time to overcome. The thought and stress of deployments will make soldiers say and do things that they wouldn't normally do. When he returns home sit him down and discuss this with him especially if you are going to accept his proposal.
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Since you have given him no cause to be distrustful of you, it is in the best interest of everyone if you just cut your losses and move on.

I also served in the Army, and I even have in common with him that I suffered through a terrible relationship that damaged my good senses, but what it boils down to is that he has consistently returned to his distrustful ways, and has even been the one to break the burgeoning trust.

All evidence points to the very difficult but also very simple fact that your Soldier has not recovered from his past troubles as he claims. His distrust has even pushed him down the road of attempting soft forms of control over you, meaning that he is getting worse, not better.

You have adequate reason to exit this relationship, but if you choose to remain with him, just know that it will be a very long and very harsh road to determining if he even CAN trust again, and you may spend years finding that out.

Love does not cure everything, he must make the effort on his part to overcome his troubles, and instead he is succumbing to them and letting the damage of his past relationship ride the coattails of this one with you. It is not up to you to fix his problems, these are problems that nobody can fix but him, and no amount of love and support will guarantee that he will snap out of his old trauma and turn over a new leaf, as it were.

Whatever it is that you do, I wish you good luck. You deserve the same chance to pursue your happiness as anyone else. Don't let anything get in the way of that.