Help me to help my boyfriend?


My dear boyfriend, Ricky, is fed up with his family. They constantly rail on him, demanding that he follow their dreams exactly and they are quick to call him stupid and lazy, when he is really only unmotivated because they never offer him a kind or encouraging word. He lives with his grandpa, who treats him like an emotional punching bag and lets the horrendous amounts of vodka he drinks every night do the talking. He is quick to try to make Ricky feel isolated by saying “oh your mom is very mad at you” even when she is not, and he will do this by saying that everyone is disappointed. His mom is a flake, and will side with his grandpa just so she doesn’t have to deal with him. His dad (his parents are divorced) is very strict and acts like the end is nigh simply because Ricky signed up for college classes late and only ended up with one spanish class. I feel like they do not care about Ricky being successful in the future, they are only interested in him being overwhelmed with challenges.

As for Ricky himself, he has found a goal for the future. He knows what job he wants, despite how no one wants him to pursue it for whatever reason. They emotionally abuse him every day and drag him down, then wonder why he doesn’t want to ever try because they are never happy. He wants to move and I want to go with him to help support him. But he is extremely non-confrontational, and would rather sit and suffer than try to make his life better by standing up for himself; but I know that he doesn’t want this, he just doesn’t know what to do. At every turn, his family threatens to cut him off and he’s afraid to try to save up to make a living for himself because they never get off his case.

As for my own personal experiences… His family likes to consider me “conditional family”. As in, I’m family when they’re not mad at Ricky for whatever reason. They like to pin all the blame on me, when I do nothing but encourage Ricky when they put him down. His grandpa acts very weird to me too. He gives me a lot of compliments whenever I am dressed nicely around him, and I mean… Too many compliments. He is also very cruel, he has insulted me and my family to my face.

I guess what I’m asking is… What can I do? To help Ricky? Should I defend myself against his family? Should I defend him?

Category: Tags: asked August 31, 2015

2 Answers

I can fully understand what you go through here. A little sidestory: My girlfriends family are a bunch of assholes, saying she's only worth something if she earns money, so her father forced her into a job she didn't want to do. He did abuse her verbally everyday (she's fat, ugly, couldn't get a real guy [he hates me as well]). So when she couldn't endure it anymore she decided to quit this job and through connections I got her a new one she likes but during training she didn't earn money. Her father was totally pissed, it was all my fault etc., she moved in with me and he didn't even come to her graduation because she was just a dissapointment and doesnt provide money to the family (who doesnt pay, doesnt need affection). Now to you: defend yourself against his grandpas bullshit and just help him to keep his head up. Don't take too seriously what his mother or his grandpa say, it won't change them, it just makes your head go *pop*. You want to be with Ricky not his effing family, right? (That thinking vastly improved my relationship). So if you planning on staying with him, focus on your life together. Support Rick to pursue the career of his wish, help him focus. If that boulder drops from him one day you'll have a guy with a eased up mood ready to support you. The father of my GF insulted my family too, so what? People who do stuff like that are not to be taken seriously. They're not worth bothering, but the relationship your building is. Heads up, just support Rick, if you both have plans make sure you both are able to fulfill them. And if his family is talking bullshit, just let them. Some people are plain assholes because of the way they were raised. Don't bother with that :)
I can completely understand what you are going through. My family is just like Ricky's. Well they were. They are somewhat better now. I know what he is going through. My grandparents raised me my mom and dad got a divorce when I was really little and neither one of them wanted anything to do with me. When I started school my grandparents would tell me I would end up like my mom and be nothing and a useless bitch just like her. At first I would just go to my room and lock myself in there and cry because I didn't know what to think my mom wanted nothing to do with me but I knew I would never do anything like that to my kids. So I just took what they said and I tried my best to prove them wrong. I tried killing myself one night and I almost succeeded tell I heard an angel tell me to call my mom and that's what I did. It took me almost dying to get an I love you out of anyone in my family. I'm a senior in college now and my mom and dad are just now trying to socialize with me and my grandparents are excepting but still tell me I won't make anything out of myself. I moved out when I was 19 to live with my current boyfriend (he's my fiancé now) and he has helped me accomplish my dreams and truly believes in me like you do ricky. I live with him and his parents and they have became my family. We are actually getting married this Saturday. So what I'm suggesting you do is to help ricky. Maybe you all can rent a place together. Maybe he can come live with you but he needs to get out of there because he don't need that negativity. No one does. It'll take time for him to realize that and you will have to help him and push him. Because his family has emotionally hurt him. (: I wish you all the best and I hope you can be the angel to ricky that my fiancé is to me