Having Trust Issues. How can I deal with them?

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I’ve been dating Amanda for just about a year now. I love spending time with her and she makes me feel very comfortable with myself. About six months into the relationship she had a male friend in town that she hadn’t seen in a while. She told me she was going to grab a drink with him and catch up on old times. I had no problem with this, but I found out later that he stayed at her place. I expressed to her that I was very uncomfortable with that and I felt betrayed. She convinced me that he only stayed on the couch and that I had no reason to not trust her. I told her as long as she never lets any male friends stay at her house again that I’d let it go.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t let it go completely. I did something I am not proud of, I started to check her phone messages. This only lasted for a few weeks and I stopped. The next five months or so I stopped worrying and tried to enjoy my time with her. It’s been good. A month ago she was using my computer and logged into Facebook and forgot to log out. She was using a different browser than I usually use so I was unaware until two weeks ago. When I opened this browser it went to her Facebook. I was curious and looked at her messages, not proud.

She had recently reached out to a guy a told him that she used to have a huge crush on him while they were in school. The next day the message was gone. Since then she has reached out to another guy and again expressed to him that she used to have a huge crush on him. They flirted back and forth for a few days, but eventually she deleted the messages.

Since I’ve been dating her some of her stories she tells me don’t add up. I feel like she lies about little things that don’t matter, but it’s not often. She typically is really fun to be with and someone I can talk to and vice versa, but I can’t shake these feeling. I really want to talk to her about my trust issues. At the same time I can’t really tell her that I’ve been snooping.

Is there a tactful way to tell her that I can’t trust her without exposing myself?

Category: asked September 23, 2014

3 Answers

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Little lies aren't going to make this better. It's best to lay the cards out on the table and get through it.

She might find excitement in leading other guys on. It could be a fantasy of hers. Talk to her about it. Do not be angry. Be open. Be honest. Tell her you're not proud but you're worried about her and you together.

You might get surprised by where the relationship goes.
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Tell her you dont feel like you can trust her. I had a similar problem with my ex. i was with him 3 years and the trust issues get worse. I shouldve ended it as soon as he was unclear and closed off about details. Honest people have nothing to hide and are open about those things AND most importantly TELL you. He ended up being EVEN more damaging in the long term to my ability to trust. But you shouldn't hide this or what you found. explain. and if she doesnt understand or tries to be accommodating, is it really worth the stress?
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I think the issue here is that you've made a big deal about a guy staying at her place, and perhaps she feels like she's under the microscope now. She might know that you've been spying her, and making her promise to not allow male friends to stay at her place is an issue. After all, why is it okay that a female friend can stay, and not a male? Why must there be an assumption that she'll be unfaithful because the gender of her friend happens to be male? Men and women can be friends without sex getting involved, although I know that sometimes that can be a rarity with the rising rates in affairs.

In any case, there are two parties here that have to take responsibility. Her, for hiding the truth from you, and you, for perhaps making her feel as though she has to hide the truth. I'm not saying that you don't have a legitimate reason not to trust her. From what you've outlined, she may or may not be looking elsewhere. Rather, what I'm saying is that by getting upset about a situation only six months in and snooping on her phone/facebook, you've escalated the situation. I'm not saying you didn't have a reason to; but rather, there's always multiple narratives to the same story.

As others have suggested, sit her down and talk to her, but let her talk as well. Perhaps she feels she cannot trust you, perhaps she feels that if she tells you these things (i.e. a mate staying over) you'll make a big deal out of it, or make more of it than there really is. The reality is sometimes we escalate things, and then they lead to those situations. After all, she might not have even considered sleeping with this friend, but now you've stuck it in her head that it could have been a possibility. It's like, someone telling you that someone else likes you, and that person you may have never considered in that way, but you start to think about it. Anyways, the point is, sit her down, talk to her, and let her talk to you. She might feel like she can't have male friends and have you, and that's a bit of an issue (after all, do you have female friends?)