Have I been brainwashed by feminism?

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I’ll try to keep this short. Basically I’m worried that my feminism is getting in the way of a potentially amazing relationship.

Details:
I’m a 24 year old female.
I’m a VERY passionate feminist.
I have been attracted (romantically and sexually) to people of all genders in the past.
The idea of being in a relationship with a man stirs up some very deep gender-based anger in me.

I’m currently in a relationship with a man. Shit! I love him very much. BUT I’m angry about his male privilege. It also feels like I’m giving in to traditional gender roles, even though neither of us actually fills those roles. This has put a lot of stress on our relationship.

So I guess my question is, do I need to just get over it? Or should I end things with him, for his sake and mine?

Has anyone else felt something similar?

Category: Tags: asked March 16, 2014

18 Answers

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Don't give up on feminism just because of the stereotypes other people place on them. There are men to! If anything, you should break the stereotype because feminism isn't about female supremacy it's about breaking barriers and making sure males and females stand on equal ground on everything. If anyone tries to say other wise; they are not a feminist. It's not about how many privileges one sex has over the other, it's how you can transform those privileges so that they extend to the other sex. What does he think of feminism? He must probably know that you are one. Is he trying to defend your rights too? If he is, then why are you asking this? If he isn't, talk about feminism or what you think. Don't dump him because you think his sex is privileged because he is not the only representative of his sex. If neither of you fit the roles of the sexual stereotypes others impose then you're okay and you're just over thinking things.
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I think a common misconception about feminism is that it's about "women being better than men". Which is a lie. It's the idea that women are people just like men and should be treated in all ways as such. It's a silly assumption to think that feminism is in any way linked to female superiority, because once people start thinking that one sex is better than the other, then it's no longer feminism, anyways. It's just misogyny and misandry. In all honesty, feminism is really just humanism: it would help erase both misogyny and misandry.

Know that it's understandable to have such a deep anger towards men. You are a feminist: you recognize the severity of the sexism that resides in the world today and all that perpetuates it. Feminism isn’t about female domination, it calls for all genders to be able to express their sexualities and have sex the way that they please. You should feel comfortable doing what feels natural, which will probably mean that you will sometimes initiate and they will sometimes initiate.

With heteronormative relationships, it fits all the gender roles and stereotypes: that men have penises, are stronger, and are dominant, while women are submissive and there for a man’s pleasure. There’s usually a sense of “belonging” like an object. Obviously, this is sexist. This heteronormative aspect is what you fear. But your relationship isn’t heteronormative, it’s just heterosexual, which can be completely different.

Remember that you fell in love with this person for a reason. Like you said, you don't even fit into the traditional gender roles that have been assigned to you. Being in a heterosexual relationship is not the same thing as being in a heteronormative relationship, which your relationship is not. You love each other and you look at each other as equals.

You don't need to "get over" anything. This is a legitimate problem that you need to worry about. You love this person, but you harbor a lot of bitter feelings towards being in a heterosexual relationship. Please understand that there is nothing wrong with being in a heterosexual relationship.

You already know that he doesn't fit into the male gender expectations and is likely also a feminist as well … remember that it’s not him you’re mad at, it’s what society and its double standards and limitations that are angering you. He is likely not the one at fault, and neither are you: it’s the fault of society, the media, and double standards and rich white cisgender male privilege. You’re not the problem and neither is he.

All you have to do is talk with him about it and work it out. Figure out ways to deal with this bitterness. Remember where your anger is truly directed, and make sure to remind him that you love him no matter what and understand all this. And make sure he says the same. Your relationship is lovely—there’s nothing wrong at all with it. Do your best to work things out, and I’m sure you’ll be fine.
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Continue being a feminist. Know that feminism is supposed to encourage women to be who they want to be, no matter whether it's considered traditional or not.
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Stop thinking of him as man and begin to see him as a human just like you, there are differences and i think thats is love is all about, learning how to live with the differences. I hope everything turns out good to you.
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Once you learn about the patriarchy it's hard to not see it in everything, just because it is so ingrained. Just keep up a dialogue of the differences you notice, and feminism in general. He needs to be an ally if he's going to be with you. The point of feminism is it doesn't matter what your "role" is! If you do stereotypical woman things such as cooking or cleaning in the relationship, who cares?? As long as you keep it healthy and happy i dont see a problem. Unless he's being an asshole, I don't think you should dump him. Message me if you want to talk more!
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Thanks for the replies everyone! Not sure why this suddenly started getting some action again, but anyway... we broke up! It was messy and he got a new girlfriend 3 weeks later! I am much happier now. It should have happened a long time ago. Sexism still drives me crazy every single freaking day.
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Just a reminder: he didn't choose to be male, he was born that way and you shouldn't be angry at him for it. Yes, male privilege is a thing but not something he has chosen or necessarily approves of, so I would just talk to him and see what he thinks about it. Please, please don't be angry at him for his gender... Otherwise you're just as bad as people who treat women poorly just because they're women.

And the thing about feminism is that it should empower you to think for yourself and make your own choices. You can follow aspects of traditional gender roles if you want and that doesn't make you a bad feminist as long as you also know that you don't have to fall into those roles if they don't suit you. I'm assuming you're dating this guy because you like him and you want to, not because society is pressuring you into dating a man, right?
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I think you should just get over it and do what makes you happy and stop thinking too deep into things. I've never felt the way you explained. I've always done what I felt was right and what I wanted to do to make me happy. If you're happy stay in the relationship, if your not leave.
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I think that instead of a feminist, you should start thinking of yourself as an Equalist. In my opinion, there's a lot of stereotypes and some weird expectations that are associated with feminism. It's got too much baggage at this point, you know? like you HAVE to not be cool with something, or you're not a real 'feminist'. As an Equalist, you have more independence to your ideals. YOU decide what's okay and what's not. After all, it IS your life. If a guy wants to pay for you or something, then it's completely fine as long as you both realise that you're equals in the relationship.Listen, you breaking up with him, or getting angry at his 'male privileges' isn't going to magically elevate women in the society, so just be happy. After all, you deserve to be happy just like him (see? that's what being equals is about!)Uh. I think I went on for long enough. Hope I helped! (sorry if I didn't. Eh.)
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You love the man. That is nothing against you or your beliefs. You rightfully dislike the fundamental male privilege that my gender currently enjoys, and there is nothing wrong with that. As long as you do not draw a veil of guilt over him for the actions of others, you will be just fine, but as Nimra states, it would be in the better interest to consider yourself an Equalist.

Feminist has always carried a silent air of the potential for female supremacy, and that element certainly exists within their ranks, unfortunately. That is most definitely not okay.

Live your life the way that makes you happy. If you find yourself consumed in dissonance because your beliefs conflict with your happiness, do not hesitate to question those beliefs, as you have done in this question. Never forget that we all have but one life to live, and because it will end, it is therefore precious. Never let any person or belief sap the happiness from your life, nor impede you from pursuit of that happiness. Always remember that you matter, and you are not alone.
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Feminism isn't supposed to make you angry, I consider myself a feminist but I do not allow myself to believe in anything extreme. I acknowledge the struggles that men go through along with women, and I seek to empower myself as a woman and become a better person. If you read a feminist article, don't believe it right away, always double check facts or look at the other side of it before you establish an opinion. Try to stay neutral before you really have knowledge of something.
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I think sylph-dancer said almost everything I would have said, only better. I would personally stress communication though. Talk to your boyfriend about what's going on. The best relationships are full of honesty. If you're working through some stuff let him know. Who knows? Maybe he can help.
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I think you should talk with him about it. Explain to him how you feel about feminism and ask him what he thinks about it. I'm sure he'll understand. Good luck :)
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MEN DONT NEED ANY MORE RIGHTS MEN RULE THE WORLD THE PATRIARCHY RUNS THE WORLD MEN MAKE MORE MONEY THAN WOMEN WOMENS VOICES ARE RARELY, IF EVER HEARD, often silenced MALE AGAINST FEMALE VIOLENCE/RAPE/SEXUAL ASSAULT FIGURES ARE STAGGERING AND GETTING HIGHER AND HIGHER (i'd double the unreported) THE REASON A LOT OF WOMEN DON'T REPORT THE CRIME IS OUT OF FEAR THAT THEY WILL BE BLAMED. WOMEN ARE OFTEN BLAMED FOR THEIR RAPES IF THEY WERE DRUNK, OR ARE WEARING REVEALING CLOTHING, IF THEY HAVE A HISTORY OF CASUAL SEX. WOMEN ARE SCARED TO WALK THE STREET ALONE. ALWAYS. WOMEN ARE GIVEN LABELS LIKE SLUT, BITCH, WHORE IF THEY WEAR REVEALING CLOTHING, MAKE UP, HIGH HEELS, OR GOD FORBID ENJOYS SEX. WALKING OUT OF THE HOUSE AS A WOMAN WE ARE USUALLY PREPARED FOR THE CATCALLING. EVERYDAY MEN SEE ME AS AN OBJECT BORN TO PLEASE THEM. Not a human being who may feel frightened of that behaviour.John Wesley Harding Um, it's FEMinism that's why we focus on FEMales. And, we want equality in pay. And legal rights that men have but women don't. BASIC HUMAN RIGHTS.
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@Nimra no no no no no please don't stop calling yourself a feminist. If you don't fit into the stereotype then even better! I don't but I am a Feminist to the death. And I'm very open and loud about it and I want to help break the stigma of the word. There is no checklist for feminism. There is no bible. If you believe that women deserve equal rights and visibility then you're a feminist. it's pretty simple. Although, if you can simply just pick and swap identities and beliefs based on how it will affect your image then....you're neither.....you're just confused. quick note : make guys pay everytime because they earn more than you.
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The problem is not feminism, the problem is *radical* feminism. All sides of the debate needs to see that.
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@John Wesley Harding feminism does not focus on the female sex. Feminism, by definition, is the advocacy for equal rights between all genders. I do not think feminism is a problem. However, I do not think misandry is the right way to go. Feeling antagonized by men is not unusual, but I personally do not think misandry will solve anything. Whether you call yourself a feminist, an egalitarian (another word for Equalist), whatever, I think being a feminist is something everyone should believe in. Unless you think women are below men, then you're a misogynist.
I think you will find a partner who will be just as much an advocate for feminism as you are. Best of luck!
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Never give up never give up!!!!!