Give up on this friendship or try to reconnect?


A friend started confiding to me about his work and family problems a few months ago. We got really close and started talking for hours for a couple nights, at a bar and hanging outside. We then started texting very regularly. We had a nice texting relationship for a couple months, and I really looked forward to hearing from him. Our families are friends and hang out periodically and talk in person too.
Then about two months ago, he stopped texting as frequently. He would occasionally ignore my texts but text me a day or two later about something related to him. He is was not always this selfish, sometimes he was a supportive and thoughtful friend. He called and checked on me several times, for instance.
However, his texting has tapered off to almost nothing. However, when we do get together he seems normal. And he still wants to complain to me about his job and wife.
I also know from talking to his wife, who is also my good friend, that, he texts other people sometimes…just not me.
I’m hurt and disappointed by this. I also feel a little used. I wonder if he only became closer friends with me to complain about his wife.
I also wonder if I pushed him away by being too eager to text and communicate.
I often shared issues I was having with work that were similar to his, so that we would have something to talk about.
I have actually mentioned to him more than once that I noticed he’s not texting as much. This is not really changed anything. In fact, he texts me less than ever.
(You’d think I take a hint, but, when this friends is actually giving me his attention, he’s a great friend. He’s either all or nothing.
So, what to do…
I partly want to call him on the fact that he doesn’t text me any more but still obviously texts others, and express my sadness and jealousy (I’ll say it! I’m very jealous) at this.
I partly want to tell him, the next time he starts complaining or venting to me, that I don’t want to hear it if he’s not going to talk to me any other time.
I partly want to stop talking to him completely, and treat him like a stranger the next time we’re together, because I’m hurt and angry that he’s dropped me as a friend this way.

What to do?

Category: Tags: asked July 20, 2014

2 Answers

Do you think maybe he might have a reason, like his wife not liking how close you two got, or he himself feeling he was getting too close to you for his own good? This might not be the case, but it can help you accept that he has reasons for distancing himself and he's not going to be forward about it.
It's ok to tell him that you don't feel comfortable hearing him out if you feel your friendship has became unbalanced. You can also not do it explicitly and just change topic a couple of times when you are together and he starts talking about his problems, and reserve the discussion about the state of your friendship if he doesn't get the hint.
From what I understand, there was a moment where you didn't feel used, and you started feeling used only after contact diminished. You can file away these good memories, and focus on not feeling hurt or used from now on, by giving only what you feel is ok based on his effort to be a friend to you. And it's good that he has other people to rely on, so you don't need to feel guilty about it.
Completely cutting contact might get awkward, considering how he is part of your social circle and husband of your friend, a polite minimum of interaction might be needed to avoid drama.
I feel that you should definitely keep in contact with him, just not so texty. Maybe one would be enough every other day or on occasion. Not too much nor too little is perfect. I would think he's in a struggle right now, and doesn't feel he should talk to you right now. He's not trying to be rude, he's probably just trying to keep his space, which is totally normal. But as rinseandrep said, he might just feel he's getting too close to you. He doesn't dislike you, I think he just needs his space.