I feel like if I don’t let this out of my mind soon I may explode. I am a 20 year old male, and I want to reconnect with my ex. (Whoa, you want to reconnect with your ex? That’s weird as fuck.) No, it’s not. We just left in a really awkward place. I’ll explain.
We were college students, doing a long distance relationship. (I see why people say they fail now.) And I had all the faith in the relationship, I guess. After she started getting busier with friends, school, balancing it all I kinda fell off the grid. It’s natural when people get busy and they don’t have as much time for one another as they used to. Is the way I always have justified it to myself, because as naïve as it sounds I just don’t want to assume things and waste my time with negative thoughts. So anyways, we fought one day, and it was completely brought on by her. She sounded so distraught kinda confused, not herself, which made me lead to thinking she had done something, or something had happened. And suddenly she called wanting a break from me. And then, that Sunday night she had told me that she wasn’t in love with me anymore, that she thinks she just loves me as a friend, could we be friends? And she said that she hated knowing that she hurt me, but she was so so so emotionless when she said all of this and it scared the shit out of me. And I didn’t say anything. A few days later I text her like nothing happened, obviously I didn’t call her my girlfriend anymore. And it seemed kinda awkward and she started givin’ me advice that I needed to take time to myself, I needed to do this do that. Because she’s been through the “I don’t love you as a lover but as a friend” thing before.
There’s a side story to that, my ex girlfriend had been traumatically broken up with before in the same month. but only this person had came and slept with her before deciding to go home and then text her! The fact that he wasn’t feeling it anymore. And I kinda have naïve thoughts about it as well, thinking that maybe she wanted to hurt me before I hurt her. Well, the point is we never discussed her feelings, it was suddenly like she had no feelings at all. I couldn’t get a word out of her about it once it happened. And I pressed to get nothing. So, I stopped texting her for a while and then her and her family were having some problems. So, I was trying to be supportive through that, but she still wasn’t being honest to me about how she felt. And I kinda pushed it again, when I knew I shouldn’t have. but I wanted her to know that she wasn’t alone. Ya know? Well, that led us to our final good-bye so to speak. She basically told me to forget about her, that I’ll do me and she’ll do her. And you know, I guess those would be considered good terms? right? No one cussed another out, etc.
She was pushing me away though. At the time, all the pressure she was under she just wasn’t herself. And I tried to justify to myself over and over. But, I can’t anymore. I have since moved on from this relationship like my romantic feelings towards this girl are no longer in tact. Which is good. but I can’t forget about her either, she taught me to feel the way no one ever could, she also taught me how to love, she gave me a look into what I want my future wife to be, then suddenly it wasn’t there anymore. It blows my mind every time I talk about it, but I’m a stubborn dude. I tried to talk to my parents about it before and they told me not to worry about it because it’s like “you’ll never see her anyways, she lives far away…” every time.
Those thoughts don’t even begin to justify my feelings. In our relationship, we had a mutual friend, Issac. Issac was awesome dude. He really helped me through the break up, but I feel like he wasn’t really there to support me either because he was more on her side than he was on my side. Even if he did say he was Switzerland (I don’t know if get that reference). I just I didn’t get the complete relief from it. So, I turned to girl after girl, to retrieve some kind of feeling, I guess. But, I noticed I’m just numb as before emotionally. Until, I met someone who really enjoys my company, who likes me, we are in a relationship right now actually. But, I don’t feel like I can give myself to her because of my ex… as stupid as that sounds.
So, this mutual dude we have in common, reblogged something from her blog the other day. And I freaked out, saw the url, I wasn’t even thinkin’ of her and I got to her page, saw her picture and felt my heart flutter. Legitimately flutter, it hasn’t done that in a long time. I realized I miss her, I miss her so fuckin’ much. I can’t say I want her back into my life, I can’t say I want her back as my girlfriend, I can’t even say I want to be her friend. I just want to know how she is. So, I sent her a message on tumblr and I was telling her I hoped that everything was going good, etc. And I get anxiety about this kind of stuff, I guess I self-doubt myself a lot. So, I haven’t checked my tumblr.
I also realized this might go one of two ways. A.) She accepts my apology, maybe she wants an apology, maybe she’ll apologize, and maybe she’ll want to rekindle something. or B.) Not even reply, not even give two shits about my apology, doesn’t want an apology, doesn’t give one, and doesn’t want shit to do with me. I think I’ve accepted both of those ideas, but more so the idea of us rekindling, but I would be okay if she rejected it because it’s probably for her own good? I don’t know. I know, I don’t think this is fair to my now girlfriend, that I’m thinking about my ex, the fact that I see her face in strangers randomly, I just think about her randomly, I don’t know. maybe I’m not over her completely even though I detached myself from her completely. Am I a shitty dude? I’m starting to feel like one.
You know, it’s just weird because we went from thinkin’ we were fated together by two dancing stars in the galaxy (I know cheesy) but then we suddenly became nothing. And sadly, that’s not okay for me. I’ll admit it. But, who knows she could be missing me too and the universe was sending me signs. or maybe I’m just seeing what I want to see and I’m just a sick stalker. I don’t fuckin’ know. Someone save me from my thoughts please.
I don’t know what kind of advice I need her. I just needed to get this off my chest. If anyone has any advice on what I should do, if anything please don’t hesitate to message me, or post a comment on this blog. I’d really appreciate it. Sorry this was so long but I have a lot of emotions in my head.