So, I have been dealing with gender issues since I was about 12. I’m getting sick of it.
I don’t expect anyone to like magically fix this, I just need a bit of insight.
Like I had never really seen myself as any gender and thought if there was another sex I’d prefer to be that sex.
When I was 12, issues started.
I wanted to get all my hair cut off to look like a boy but my grandma would not let me so I just got it cut as short as possible. Anytime somebody told me I looked like a boy I’d get really happy and prideful.
When I was 13 I started binding and would do anything to bind and used bad things to do so (duct tape is a NO NO for a reason). I asked for a binder but my mom could not afford one and my grandmother apposed the idea. I would use anything I could.
I thought that I was ftm for a few months when I started exploring gender and stuff and ended up cutting ALL of my hair off. I started telling people I was male and using a male name, but I’d always end up getting uncomfortable.
I discovered non-binary genders from a forum and came to the conclusion I was probably bigender. I at first kept trying to force myself to be either male or female but I always get so uncomfortable doing either. And gender neutral stuff isn’t what I want for myself.
For a long time when I was 14 I presented as male, but then I became uncomfortable again.
When I was 14 I kept trying to get a hold of testosterone in any possible way. Of course, I never could actually get any haha.
But it had been like this for a while.
I will be comfortable and then BAM! dysphoria.
Like when I think of the future and what-not I see myself as male or indifferent (as in it doesn’t matter, even if I was female) and it’s just all really confusing and just adds onto my problems..