This is all so confusing.
I’ve been dating my now girlfriend for four years, and our relationship has been incredible.
When I was younger (12ish) I experimented with my male friend, just some touching and so forth. The situation was odd, and left me questioning my sexuality to this day.
I had always wondered if I was gay, having problems with sexual situations. Not being able to ejaculate with someone else, and occasionally masturbating to gay porn.
I’ve always had sex with women, and very much enjoyed it.
One night, a few months ago, I was with my best friend, and after a long day of hanging out, he came out of the shower naked. We shortly discussed earlier that day about the experience when we were younger, and how he didn’t think it was that big of a deal, and how he thought it wouldn’t be that bad if we tried it again.
I was confused, unsure, and weary of the whole situation, but continued with it. We did some more experimenting, including a range of things. The whole experience lasted about twenty minutes, and I realized very quickly during – I am not gay. Not in any realm of reality.
We talked about it and both agreed this wasn’t something that either of us were interested in, and that it would never happen again.
However, my girlfriend knows this struggle with sexual identity that I have.
I haven’t told her what happened, and haven’t intended to… I figured it was a non issue, and that it didn’t really matter.
But I want to know how to handle this situation, because we’ve always been open and honest about everything.
Did I cheat on her? Did I do myself a service by finally understanding my sexuality with the situation?
I don’t want to hurt her – she’s the love of my life. I want to propose to her soon, but I don’t want any secrets.
Am I a bad person? Am I terrible?
How exactly am I supposed to be dealing with this? I feel guilt, some shame, a lot of relief, and a metric shit ton of confusion.