Hi again,
So I know I’ve talked about this before and you all were telling me that it’s okay to be this way, but I just feel so guilty and ashamed and also curious on what might of caused this problem..
Yes I am talking about my masochistic problem, right now I’m just very curious on what might of caused it, but first I want to explain it a little better…
So, well, my fantasies are very sick, sometimes they are semi kinky, occasionally they can get super dark, well actually rarely (thank god) so mostly they are just, semi kinky.
And the key to those fantasies is degration (I probably spelled it wrong sorry)
Every fantasy of mine includes it, even when I first started having those fantasies there was a hint of it….
To be more specific the most common thing in the messed up thoughts of mine is the guy calling me names…
I would go into further detail but I’m sorta ashamed.
The main reason I’m ashamed is because masochism is much more common in MEN and THEY always get to express THEIR horniness publicly without it being weird whilist women are excpected to be so… Classy, ladylike… It makes me feel horrible.
I want to be normal.
I actually just feel like a whore, I feel so dirty, I feel like I’m not gonna make it in life because I’m so unorganized or something 
I wish I could just be one of those successful women who probably never had this problem.
—
So anyways now here are some theories of what might of caused this horrible, big flaw:
As a kid, well 1-3 years old, my mom would be super obsessed about my health and wellbeing so I just remember being exposed to pain, needles and forced to go to the doctor every week, I remember I used to fight those injections and they would have to hold me down, and I cried a lot. That is my first theory, you get the point.
Second thing is that I used to get bullied in kindergarten, I remember everyone ignoring me, accusing me of things, talking shit about me right in front of me.. It was hell, thankfully I had one friend at the time.. Even the teachers were mean to me, I didn’t even know what I did… :/
Third thing is that my parents apparently thought it was normal to threaten to hit their kid, so I used to get threatened a lot, but of course they never did it, it was probably just for discipline, I don’t know, but I remember getting some painful punishments but the memories are hazy.
Lastly ever since I remember I had a habit of stimulating myself… I don’t know where I picked it from, but all my years growing up its just stuck on me.
I don’t get why my mom didn’t stop me Im probably a sexual mess right now.
Plus I’m feeling awful now because my mom is always expecting me to be that lady, that diva who fights for what she wants, says her thoughts, blah blah blah…
And that’s just not me although I wish it was, but I have this stupid submissive personality and those fantasies of me being an object, I’m a horrible daughter.
So my point of this whole thing is,
Do my theories make sense?
And is there just anything I can do to at least reduce these feelings about myself, I just feel like a freak
And if not then how to get rid of these fantasies forever.
I have a feeling if this won’t get treated soon I might get taken advantage of and get really hurt in the future. (Rape, abuse etc.)
You can message me if you want, I don’t mind..
Thanks in advance
Again im sorry for bringing this up a millionth time, but I just really need some comfort right now.
