Everything is wrong. It’s a stressful time of school right now and I’m feeling the pressure so badly I’m so close to cracking. My school expects so much from me and I can’t live up to their standards. I feel overworked and numb and I’ve lost so much of my personality because of stress and just pure sadness. When I’m at school I respond to others’ emotions and feel okay but when I’m home I’m suddenly so alone. I’m numb and emotionless inside and I barely smile anymore. Inside my head are just awful thoughts that I can’t keep out – wanting to physically hurt people near me of they’re even slightly irritating me, thinking about failure. I constantly play scenes in my head of ripping my hair out, slicing my arms, and hanging. I said I would never resort to self harm, but now I have, and that scares me so much. It was something I was completely against just a few weeks ago and now I’m doing it. I’m angry at my friends all the time, I snap at them and just plain rude because of how angry I get so quickly. I fight with my parents all the time, they just infuriate me. On top of this are my weight issues and my obsession with dieting which hasn’t stopped since year five. I’m just a huge mix of emotions, anger, sadness, desperation, violence, emptiness, and I just cry all the time. Everything in life is just getting to me, all piling into one thing I can’t face, and I don’t know how to get out
First of all just take a deep breath. I completely know where you're coming from being stressed and that's just a part of life. As far as anger goes try to see where other people are coming from. If you disagree with something other people say just try to let it go and if something they do irritates you just don't let it get to you because then you're allowing something that someone else is doing to control your feelings. Please don't hurt yourself I promise it will get better! If you feel self conscious about your body try to make some good eating decisions and maybe go for a short run. Small changes make a big difference! I hope this helped you out!
Well I'm sure whatever diet you are currently on isn't helping you handle your emotions well - especially since you're doing something you vowed you would never do. You are not yourself. I think you ought to consider changing to a more balanced diet as what you eat or don't eat can definitely have a large impact on your mental and emotional state. In other words - something has got to give. You need to find another way to release your negative emotions that will not harm you. I suggest talking about things with your school counselor too. Maybe he/she can help you sort things out so it's not so overwhelming. It sounds like you're actually not really numb at all. Just angry because you're completely stressed out. Also make sure you are getting enough rest. Proper rest can do wonders. Hopefully at least one of your friends is more understanding. Anger won't help though. It will take just being honest with them and apologizing to them is a good start as well. Maybe it will give you the opportunity to share what is on your heart so they can help you feel supported and not so alone. Don't close yourself off. You're not alone.
The first thing I would suggest is trying to get more sleep. Psychologically, loss of sleep can mess with emotions and basic thought, this may explain some of your more sporadic mood swings. When it comes to grades, the only way to get through school is to work your butt off and try your best. If you want to do something to stop yourself from cutting and try to get skinnier, listen to music and exercise. Listening to music and exercise release the same chemicals in the brain as cutting yourself, making you feel good as well as slimming you down- providing the solution to two problems at the same time. So every time you wish to hurt yourself, exercise. If you ever feel useless remember all of the people willing to hang out with you despite your "issues". Remember, you are the only person who will judge yourself so harshly.
I know what you mean, I've been going through similar things concerning school and stuff. I don't think there is an easy answer to this tbh. I've been using the method of ignorance and avoiding situations that I dislike. That resolved in me failing three courses and having a huge fight with my mom which ended up with her sending me to therapy. For some time now, I've been trying to just deal with my own terms. Doing what needs to be done, but when it becomes to much I just tend to put them off. I know this sounds weird, but often things just tend to work out. I'm not saying that it'll be easy or anything, but if you just keep calm and find some stuff that makes you kinda happy (like tv shows, books or something). Also, not sleeping to much, or too little (8-9 hours and no napping) and being physically active gives you more energy to take on hard stuff. Concerning the weight issues, try to build up your self-confidence- it will probably help. Do not go too extreme on the diet thing, it'll only make you more tired (and maybe depressed). So just try to keep things well balanced with enough sleep, the right food and just try to relax. Keep score of your weight, but don't go on the scale more than once a week. And just remember, that no-one is perfect. There is nothing wrong with mistakes, just try to learn from them. x
I think you should talk to your parents and friends about this because it is a matter that I think needs to be addressed. You might have like anger problems and should go see a doctor, but if you don't want to I suggest you take up writing in a diary or journal - I do this but instead I write poems about how I'm feeling and it's such a better feeling once you've written something down on paper. Now, self harm is never the answer okay? I've been down that path before and I'm still recovering over it. Instead of self harming you should take up a hobby - like collecting things, finding new things, reading or writing etc. Surround yourself with positive and optimistic people because it'll help with your negative thoughts and exercise because it releases endorphins that help make you feel happy and satisfied. If you ever have any horrible thoughts, go look at some happy and nice quotes that'll make you feel good with yourself. Hope this helps and good luck :)
Well wanting to physically harm oneself and others can be a sign of mental health issues that could be addressed by a doctor. It's not good to keep having those thoughts circulating in your brain, I'm sure they are disturbing and adding to your distress. It's nearly impossible to function if one doesn't take care of their mental health. So please, tell a counselor. Do you have one at school? Maybe a trusted friend as well. You don't have to just suffer through this! You can get the help you need if you seek it.