Do I try and make things better?

Alright so you identify yourself with personality disorder which makes you afraid of rejection/abandonment so you cannot do what you believe will lead you to happiness. At least that is what I read from this.

First problem is making this personality disorder part of your identity and allowing it to control you. I maybe speaking out of ignorance here and if so forgive me. It seems to me if you know you have this issue and recognize it as a problem then what are you doing to solve it? I am developing Mysophobia (irrational fear of dirt and germs) as I get older. The issue started out small but is getting worse. There are so many examples of how this effects my life and even those around me but those around me understand. I do my best not to allow it to affect others but sometimes it spills over. I really do not like to get my hands dirty... I wash my hands so much that they are often dry and cracked... so I have to use moisturizer. The reason I am telling you all of this is that even though on a day to day basis this Mysophobia crops up and effects my life I don't allow it to take away from my life. Examples... One of my hobbies is camping. Camping is very dirty and full of germs. My joy in this hobby is much stronger than the effects of mysophobia in my life. When I go camping I am far out in the bush with all kinds of dirt and bugs. There is no fresh tap water or hot showers. I don't even take hand soap because I don't think it is good for the environment. I "rough" it for those days that I am out there and have a great time. Put me back in the city and all that changes.

What I want to get across from all of this is... you can have moments of strength where you overcome any condition which you can identify as "harmful" to your life that exists in your mind. The more you do it the easier it is and the stronger you will become. Perhaps one day you may even overcome this disorder.

For now you just have to convince yourself that no harm is going to come from talking to this person... and even if it doesn't go the way you want you won't be carrying around the burden of "what if." You have to want to do it more than you want your own personal security... which will help you overcome the rejection.

Good luck.

If someone has a problem with your decisions in life it is probably out of ignorance. They feel because they wouldn't possibly make that decision themselves why would anyone else? So they tend to fear what they do not understand. This is a chance for you to show your friend that you are still the same you inside you have always been. You can also educate your friend on why you are making the decisions you are and enlighten them on the subject. If this person truly cares about you then they will still love and support you.

It's still difficult. I feel like I have betrayed her some how. I don't even know how to talk to her anymore. I have tried messaging her but get no response. I just feel awful for not keeping contact

Well if you think you need to start by apologizing and explaining yourself then do that but consider this: What if you had a friend that you were close with. That friend moved away for 3 or 4 years and changed before they came back. Now you've run into this person again but are having trouble reconnecting? See where this is going? Try and understand how the other person feels and ask yourself? If I was them... how would I want me to approach them and what would I say? How would I react and how would I want them to react?

As I read it... bit hard to follow so basically the idea is to think like the other person... it may give you insight into exactly what you should do or say.

I have thought of every possible way to tell her what is going on. I also have borderline personality disorder and the fear of rejection/abandonment takes over.