I know this site isn’t really for diagnosing people with disorders, but I need to know whether I might have this before wanting to go see a councillor. I’m scared it’s just slight fears and that going to see a councillor will make me look like a fool, thinking I have something serious when it’s nothing serious at all.
Well, at first, I’m scared to eat and drink in public. I fear they’ll judge the way I chew, or the food I’m eating/drink I’m drinking. I’d rather starve to death than have to eat infront of someone. Even if it’s a friend. I’m less anxious about this around my family, thankfully.
I can’t order food, go to grocery stores, or make phonecalls. I’ve had problems with ordering food for a long time, but never took a deep thought to it. I’m scared because I feel like if I call a certain food wrong, the person standing behind the till will judge me. Will think I’m stupid, thinking,”Ha, did she really just call it that? How stupid.” or something like that. And, that they’ll judge the food I order. The same goes for shopping in a store, that people passing me will look inside my basket/trolly and will start thinking I’m fat or the total opposite. And phone calls, too. Prefrably not that they’ll judge what I’m ‘ordering’, but if I pronounce something wrong they’ll laugh and I’ll just make myself look stupid.(This used to happen a lot, since I’m not fully English, sometimes I pronounce hard words wrong and have friends laugh at me. This stopped me from contibuting in class discussions and volenteering to read to the class.)
I hate making new friends, because that involves having to talk to strangers and possibly coming across rejection and humiliation. Whenever I am made to make new friends, or I make myself try to be friends with a person because they seem nice and I simply want a new friend, I will have loads of questions filling my mind. “Oh, do you think they like what I look like?”, “Should I tell them I’m not British, or should I wait until later once we’re better friends incase they don’t like my race?”. And once we start the conversation it’s things like; “Oh god, we’ve stopped talking. What now? Should I ask them what they’re doing next weekend, or will I seem nosy?”, “Damn it, they just asked me what music I listen to. Should I mention I listen to heavy music, or will they think I’m some sort of greebo who will slit their throat at night?”(sorry if any of you got offended by that, it’s what I come across a lot when I tell people what I listen to).
I guess I’m just scared of being hated, judged, misunderstood, rejected etc. I hate being alone, yet I hate being in groups. I feel like I can never be pleased, which makes me feel worse because I feel like I’m wasting my friends’ time. I constantly tell them to tell me if I’m coming across as annoying, because I’m scared they’re just nice to me because they feel bad for me.
So, do you think I might have Social Anxiety? Is there any point in going to the councillor? I need help ASAP…