I had some bad family issues (violent dad) and I have never really talked about it. For a long tim,e, it was hard for me to understand exactly why it made me feel so bad (apart from the actual violence) and why, once it stopped (long story short, I managed to make it stop in order to protect my mother who would not leave the man nor the house), I could not bring myself to forgive and forget. I have tried to talk about it to a couople of people, like my “best friend” but they would not understand and since I was not able to explain, they just dismissed my fears and doubts as a child’s concerns, which made me feel really lonely.
For years, I have not talked about it to anyone. I barely mentionned that my parents and I were not getting along. But I’ve been living with a guy for more than a year and I kind of got a crush on him. For a long time, I hid this from him because I was scared he’d freak out. Turns out he did not and he actually asked me not to treat him like everyone else and to trust him. I want to do that and right now, I need advice because of an email I received from my brother and I want to tell him how I feel about it, which implies telling him at least part of the story. I really trust him and I really want to tell him all this but it makes me feel so vulnerable. It’s like tearing down all the walls I have (well, a great part of it at least) and it’s scary. tempting but scary. It’s like I’m letting him into my house without knowing if he gonna clean it all up and add some pretty decoration items or if he’s gonna end up crushing everything and letting it ruined. I know he would not hurt me, at least not on purpose, and it’s completely irrationnal but this feeling of vulnerability paralyses me. How do you overcome it ?
(I guess I should just be brave, jump in, and start talking.)