Could this be a type of mood disorder?


I am not even sure if this is the right place for this question, but I’ll try anyway.

I am 17 and come from a very small town in a very small country. I’ve never been able to make friends and have never liked all these narrow-minded people or anything else that surrounds me.

It was in 7th grade when I became sure I had depression (but I’ve never considered asking for help, that is up to now). I would spend hours and hours isolated, hopeless and tearful in a room. I would feel as if everything is meaningless and worthless. I wouldn’t talk to anyone and just kept on crying and having thoughts about death…

And today, some years later, not much have changed. It affects everything in my life. I have never done makeup or went out with the kids from school, never cared about looks or cloths and very rarely gone to shops. Most importantly, I can’t study! Or concentrate on anything, whatsoever. It’s enough for me to read the material once to be able to memorize most of it and it is a great quality to have, but what to do with it when you can’t make yourself read a single passage?
It’s not that I don’t find things written there interesting – I love science and art, but I don’t love it every day… Not on these days. And these days make such a big part of my life.

I can’t even explain those feelings. I can’t see a single, little good thing. It gets so severe it feels as it will never end, as if there is no end. As if it’s always been and always will be like that until death, finally, comes. But here comes the confusing part – it DOES end…

I have normal days, when I can function normally, when I can read, eat, talk to my parents.
Although, I avoid people. I always do. I get nervous, sweaty, I can’t look people in the eyes, I can’t even stand when they look at me or (please, god, just not that-) stand close to me. I overthink everything I say, I picture conversations and prepare what to say even before going to the library or supermarket. (Do I have social anxiety? I think I may…) I also have nail biting problem since pretty much forever ago.

And to make things more complicated, there are not only normal days but also too HAPPY DAYS. I feel so energetic and I actually become talkative, making comments and jokes about everything (whereas I would normally join conversations only when I have to). And that anxiety even seems to fade to some degree. But guess what? I can’t concentrate on anything again! I get vivid imagination, picturing a great successful version of me or something like that and get all excited and happy and smiling… but nothing outside have changed. It’s all the same. It’s still my stupid town and my stupid life, but I still get all…cheerful.

Looking back on all those indescribably devastating days from this perspective, I would think: “I was overreacting. I’m just fine. I’m not fine, I am great! And awesome!” but some days before I would have given anything to just die…

Do you think I may have bipolar disorder? It’s not like I get manic, but I do get…hyper. And those “too happy days”, it is a row of two-three days which is far less than my opposite feelings…

Maybe I have some other mood disorder? But still, I do have some normal days…

Sorry I wrote so much. Thank you for reading and (hopefully) some advice.

Category: Tags: asked April 17, 2015

3 Answers

You dont have a disorder. You seem to be experiencing the ups and downs of life. I can relate to almost everything you said. I'm also a college student who has little to no friends, social anxieties, and chronic depression. What helps me through everyday, no matter how high or low I'm feeling, is the motivation to suceed. Having a motivation in life is what gives you a purpose to live to the best of your abilities. I found my motivation in my family and the few people that love me. I encourage you to find your motivation too and let that carry you forward each day.
I really dont know that much on the subject, but the best thing to do is probably to explain to your parents, and try to get some help from the people in your life that care about you (and trust me they do.) i'm glad you are here and looking for help. all of us on blah are here for you and support you. My inbox is open if you ever need or want to talk.
No one on this site can diagnose whether or not you have a mood disorder. What I get out of what you've written here, "hours and hours isolated in a room, crying and thinking about death," does point to depression. You've also mentioned several signs of social anxiety, which if interfering with your day to day life may be a disorder that can be treated with medication and/or therapy with a licensed psychologist.

I experienced almost everything you talked about here when I was in high school, and even into my twenties until I finally realized that I actually had Social Anxiety Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and Dysthymia. I also had some good days, and some awful days.

To be perfectly clear, it is very difficult to diagnose mood disorders in teenagers because this is the stage where your hormones are going crazy and a lot of what you're going through could be attributed to your age. I know that's not what you want to hear. You probably want to hear that there is something wrong with you, because at least then you would have a definition for it, and possibly even a solution.

Talk with your parents. If that's too hard, write them a letter. I would recommend seeing a psychologist to work through what's going on, as a good one will be able to determine the root of it all and work with you to develop some anxiety management skills, social skills, etc.

These are just my thoughts. I'm just a random person, and while I am totally open to talking with you about what's going on (seriously, my inbox is also open), I do think you need to talk to the people in your life who can actually step in and help.