I am not even sure if this is the right place for this question, but I’ll try anyway.
I am 17 and come from a very small town in a very small country. I’ve never been able to make friends and have never liked all these narrow-minded people or anything else that surrounds me.
It was in 7th grade when I became sure I had depression (but I’ve never considered asking for help, that is up to now). I would spend hours and hours isolated, hopeless and tearful in a room. I would feel as if everything is meaningless and worthless. I wouldn’t talk to anyone and just kept on crying and having thoughts about death…
And today, some years later, not much have changed. It affects everything in my life. I have never done makeup or went out with the kids from school, never cared about looks or cloths and very rarely gone to shops. Most importantly, I can’t study! Or concentrate on anything, whatsoever. It’s enough for me to read the material once to be able to memorize most of it and it is a great quality to have, but what to do with it when you can’t make yourself read a single passage?
It’s not that I don’t find things written there interesting – I love science and art, but I don’t love it every day… Not on these days. And these days make such a big part of my life.
I can’t even explain those feelings. I can’t see a single, little good thing. It gets so severe it feels as it will never end, as if there is no end. As if it’s always been and always will be like that until death, finally, comes. But here comes the confusing part – it DOES end…
I have normal days, when I can function normally, when I can read, eat, talk to my parents.
Although, I avoid people. I always do. I get nervous, sweaty, I can’t look people in the eyes, I can’t even stand when they look at me or (please, god, just not that-) stand close to me. I overthink everything I say, I picture conversations and prepare what to say even before going to the library or supermarket. (Do I have social anxiety? I think I may…) I also have nail biting problem since pretty much forever ago.
And to make things more complicated, there are not only normal days but also too HAPPY DAYS. I feel so energetic and I actually become talkative, making comments and jokes about everything (whereas I would normally join conversations only when I have to). And that anxiety even seems to fade to some degree. But guess what? I can’t concentrate on anything again! I get vivid imagination, picturing a great successful version of me or something like that and get all excited and happy and smiling… but nothing outside have changed. It’s all the same. It’s still my stupid town and my stupid life, but I still get all…cheerful.
Looking back on all those indescribably devastating days from this perspective, I would think: “I was overreacting. I’m just fine. I’m not fine, I am great! And awesome!” but some days before I would have given anything to just die…
Do you think I may have bipolar disorder? It’s not like I get manic, but I do get…hyper. And those “too happy days”, it is a row of two-three days which is far less than my opposite feelings…
Maybe I have some other mood disorder? But still, I do have some normal days…
Sorry I wrote so much. Thank you for reading and (hopefully) some advice.
