It really hurts immensely when you try to get closer to someone but know fully well that it will never happen. You talk to them and sometimes it’s not just the usual meaningless chat but interesting and deep conversations. you start getting your hopes up and tell yourself that maybe you have a shot at something there…but at some point you realize that their life is pretty complete : They have a circle of friends with whom they’re really close; a couple of relatives with whom they get along very well…all this shows you one simple thing : there’s no room in their life for anybody else. I know it well and I also know that there’s absolutely no chance for someone as weird and socially awkward as I am to change that fact. Yet I just can’t bring myself to give up, though I fail miserably every time I try. It aches me to see how unreachable that person is and kills me that I have to let go. I keep on thinking…what if I just have to try one more time maybe if I give up too quickly I’ll regret it…but I think again and say, if that person wanted to befriend me I wouldn’t have to try so hard, it would come naturally,right? I wouldn’t have to rack my brains and feel so shitty about myself. They would be trying too if they wanted to be with me but since they’re not that means they don’t,right? My thoughts are as contradicting as ever. I ponder about things a lot but I always end up wanting something and at the same time wishing for the exact opposite. I do not care yet I do; I want to let go,sometimes I do but at the same time I really don’t want to and actually don’t; I give up trying yet restart immediatly afterwards…it’s as if two people thinking differently and each of them does the exact opposite of the other. Just that in this case there’s only one-Me. When it’s about someone else, my thoughts are so clear and organized but when it’s about me, it’s always Chaos. This messes with my head greatly. I can’t stand my thoughts. I just want them to stop completely…but looks like my subjective consciousness doesn’t agree with me.
There’s no actual question here, I just think I’m losing it.
i know exactly how you feel,i'm actually experiencing what you are going through right now. Sometimes, instead of waiting on that person to make the first move, you have to do it. trust me, it works wonders.Don't over think everything, you know what you'll end up doing? Creating a problem that wasn't even there in the first place. just keep your cool and roll with the flow, Decide what you're going to do, stick with that decision, and act on it.
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