Confused feelings


I knew this guy for about a year, we were casual friends, I liked him but I was with somebody. He lived far away, we barely talked. I moved to his area and found out he is in an open relationship for about three years. His gf is bi, and the two of them asked me to go to a club with them. Both made a move on me that night, but I just made out with the guy for a few hours before he let me go to sleep and he went to sleep with his girlfriend.
A few days later I told him I was lonely and needed cuddles and he drove an hour to my house and we hung out, I initiated sex, and it was fantastic. He is caring, sweet, we get along so well, but I’m recovering from a relationship, so I just wanted it casual and I thought I could put aside the feelings I had.
We talked for hours after, and he cuddled me and kissed every inch of my body and told me I am lovely and beautiful and he liked me a lot. I had such a great time with him that I couldn’t help the feelings, it was very romantic, and when he thought I was asleep her whispered “yes, I really like you” and kissed my neck.
He stayed very late the next day, and we talked and messed around and had a great time, he is super busy with work, but he wanted to see me again and asked if we could hang out if he could find the time off of work (he runs a major event coming up in a week)
He sends me fb messages and texts asking how I am and telling me he’s thinking of me.
I think I would like to be exclusive, but I am not sure, and I don’t feel I have the right to ask him to leave his gf for me, even though they never seem to spend time together and it’s weird.
I dont know what this is. I don’t know if I want to date him, but I don’t like thinking he’s with other woman. Does this sound casual or more? I am unfamiliar with this situation and am unsure what I should do next.
I’m scared I’ll have feelings and get hurt if he doesn’t want to be with me exclusively, but I’m also scared of being in an open relationship because I really care about people and I might get hurt, I just don’t know.
How do I talk to him about this?

Category: Tags: asked September 11, 2015

4 Answers

First - it is understandable that this is a confusing situation for you, since open relationships and polyamory in general isn't really discussed in public. I suggest visiting this website and reading up on what Polyamory means.
I don't know this couple personally so, obviously, I have no idea how serious their relationship is. If they are a true Poly couple, they will have ground rules and know what they want out of a new partner. You said that they both came on to you at the club, so maybe they want a third person in the relationship for both of them to share. I would suggest that before you move forward with ANYTHING, even flirting, you ask them both what their expectations are. If they want something casual or not. And you should explain your limits. If you don't want to be sexually involved with the girlfriend, it would be important to explain that up front (to both of them, not just him. You need to make sure she understands that and is okay with it, don't just take his word for it). There is no shame in asking for what you need, and if you do not ask for what you need, you can not reasonably expect to have what you need.
I would not suggest trying to break them up. They have an established relationship, and if he is willing to leave his current partner for you, how can you trust him to not do the same to you when someone else comes along? Along with that, if he is in a Poly relationship, he might expect that of all relationships. It is unfair to expect monogamy from someone who is polyamorous. It's important that you ask him what his needs are, and explain to him what YOUR needs are.
Bottom line: Talk to them! Communication is key. I hope it all works out for you! If you have any more questions, let me know!
Also, don't think that because someone is poly, that they can't give you what you need. People in poly relationships develop intense relationships because there are more people to lean on in time of hardship. Strong poly relationships are amazing. People get stuck on monogamy (there must be my one true love!!) but the idea that only one person out there can fulfill our every desire and need is... well impossible. @1Answer said, look up the website they gave you. Poly is not polygamy. It is a relationship about communication.
Darling, you even said he's in an open relationship. That's what's happening. He did all of that with you cause his gf allowed it, and I doubt he will change his perspective. And I think that by what you wrote , you want to feel loved and unique and special to someone. So my advice is, forget him. It will hurt, and he'll probably try to contact with you again, but just move on. You guys have different interests and opinions on relationships.
Mariko is right. Unless you want to do your research on polygamy and see if it's something that you want to be involved in. Remember you deserve what you TRULY want out of a relationship. Good luck!