Hi Rudransh,
I want to start with something you wrote in your question that makes me certain you will get through this. You said, "I don’t hate him I just think that he don’t understand things, that he needs to change his point of view in life." That sort of insight is very difficult to have in situations that involve families and strong personal emotions. So you are already off to a better start in coming to terms with this situation than you may realize.
You recognized two things in that statement:
1. You don't hate him. Again, you are ahead of many people in your situation by being able to separate his behavior from his overall love for you as his child. Hate is toxic, and though many find it hard to let go of, it's generally because of a misunderstanding of what it means to forgive (i.e. NOT the same as accepting or forgetting).
2. "I just think that he don’t understand things, that he needs to change his point of view in life." You are correct, he does not understand things the way you (and a lot of modern, American parents) do. Please try to remember that when you find yourself upset about the situation...the intent behind actions does not excuse them, but it can be very helpful in understanding others. From what you said above, it sounds as though he *thinks* his behavior is rooted in your best interests and will push you to succeed. It's likely that he was raised the same way and doesn't know any different. From the brief description you provided, it does not sound like his actions have a negative intention behind them. This doesn't make it feel better (don't get me wrong!) but it can offer some relief in a more general sense. Regarding getting him to change his views, I would caution you not to expect too much in that area. Most parents are at the age where it is unlikely that any big shifts in how they view the world are going to occur. It is possible of course, but I have found that it is much more helpful (and practical) to focus on what you can do personally to lessen the negative feelings caused by parents and others in our lives.Some suggestions:
1. Identify what makes YOU you. What are you confident in? What passions do you have? Those things are yours and yours alone, and remember them when you are feeling down in other areas.
2. Establish a set of "rules" for how to handle difficult conversations with your father. It's useful to identify patterns of when his words/actions bother you the most (eg after a bad score on a test, when he compares you to his friends' children, etc.). Then come up with a plan of action. Some non-conflict, discrete actions may be:
-When you hear the beginnings of what you know will be an upsetting remark, prepare yourself for it by reminding yourself of your good qualities (and start to tune out what he is saying). If you can, end the conversation as quickly and politely as possible. If you have to remain present, try to imagine that the words do not affect you and do not engage in the conversation unless necessary. This is a form of distancing yourself from the emotional affect his words usually have on you, and allows you to not react spontaneously. When you are able to leave, reflect on what was said and ask yourself "Is this part of the larger pattern of things he says quite often to me?" If the answer is yes, you can be sure it's safe to not dwell on. If it is something new, perhaps it warrants additional thought and examination, but most likely that wont be the case.
-If you feel you can approach him to talk about it, that's another possibility. If you do, make sure you keep your tone neutral and questioning rather than defensive or angry. You could ask him what prompts him to compare you with others, for example, and hear what he says in response. This is harder and does not always lead to the most favorable outcomes, but is worth trying often times. Just don't get discouraged if you don't "make" him see the error in his ways.
Overall, hang in there, you are doing great so far and like I said, have come further psychologically than the majority of people in your situation ever do. Let me know if you have any questions and I wish you the best. Parents are anything but easy....
