Can I blame my dysfunctional family for my detachment issues?


Hi there, I should be doing my college work right now but instead I want to explore the questions that keep hindering me.
I saw a few family members today, we started talking about the heavy events of the past (AGAIN). I live separately now as I am 21 but there’s so much baggage I still take around with me that it comes up in conversations…
1)my mum is an alcoholic so me and my sister got placed with my dad
2)my dad got accused for sexual abuse (none of which was true but it got pulled through the courts) by none other than our half brother & his FAMILY :0 (me and my sister still visit but my dad despises him now)
3)my dad is very reclusive and only has a few close friends plus he was diagnosed with a brain tumour
4)my nan lives alone and suffers with depression as well as being quite vulnerable, she relies on me for support
5)my sister has insecurities as she had a rough start in life (3 years of living with my alcoholic mum, left alone while I was at school)
6)My mum is up and down, I have a good relationship with her but she isn’t dependable cos she could have a mood change quickly, otherwise she is my most supportive family member

Anyway, I am under the impression that all this stuff in a heavy load to bare that it doesn’t seem feasible to involve more people in my life, despite really wanting a boyfriend who could be my own source of support. I just feel like having a boyfriend might just be more strain on my resources and more of a drag than a benefit. My view has probably been shaped by my past. I just don’t know how to change because I’ve taken the role of just catering to others that I feel like a guy would just take advantage. I don’t want to feel alone anymore…

Side note: I am exploring Christianity, I hope I’m not dis-honering my family when I talk like this behind their backs. I love them but they’re just a drain and all separate needer’s in their own right…

Be great to get some feedback. Thanks for reading :)

Category: Tags: asked April 30, 2015

1 Answer

Yes and no. While it's good to know what influenced us in behaving in dysfunctional ways today, part of moving on and unlearning bad ways of coping or taking care of ourselves is to leave behind our role of vitims and embracing being able today to decide how to act as adults. So do explore and learn about attachement issues, vulnerability, caretaking personalities, you can track who did what but ultimately it just matters that you are the one who has to put the work in it to overcome it.