Can I be with someone if I don’t trust them?


I’m in a relationship with a guy who I am ridiculously, over the moon in love with. We have been together off and on for seven years. There have been a lot of obstacles, but in the last three years we have really matured and have grown into a wonderful relationship. Or so I think?
He is an insane flirt with women and at times has gone over the line with them. I am not exactly sure by how much. I know about inappropriate texts, flirts, meetings, and maybe more? Bottom line is, he is not completely, undeniably faithful to me and it drives me just crazy. We’ve almost broken up over it. I want to be with him more than anything, but I don’t trust him when it comes to other women. I trust him with secrets, with happiness, and he delivers on those… I handle it, but it it is so stressful. So stressful, that I feel myself being crazy and wanting to check his texts when his back is turned, know where he is always, and I obsess and think about it way too much – which is completely unhealthy!
I don’t know what to do. If this were my girl friend having these troubles and she asked me for advice, I’d say – break up, you can do better, this is ridiculous, etc. But because it is me, and because I am so crazy blind with the love disease, I don’t want to be without him. Any advice? How do I handle this? How do I not be nuts and sleep well at night?

Category: Tags: asked November 30, 2013

3 Answers


My first thought is that trust is number one in a relationship; if you don't have trust, you don't have anything. You need to be able to trust the person you're with. If he's willing to flirt with other girls, and do other things with girls, his heart is definitely not with you.
It seems you do really love him, and have for several years, but you deserve better in the long run. Imagine having the feeling you're having now years on down the line, and then you'd be wasting time with someone who gives you fits all the time because you can't trust him. You deserve better than that, no one should wonder all the time about what the other is doing, who he's texting, calling, hanging out with, etc.
I agree with what Raee said "trust is everything." You need to confront him about what is bothering you otherwise it will bottle up inside you and you won't be able to be happy. Talk to him about it tell him that it drives you crazy, communication is a huge factor in a relationship, keeping quiet here won't help the situation. If he loves you the way you love him then he will understand, tell him he needs to imagine if the situation was flipped and you flirted with guys. How would that make him feel. Once he understands that then he should start to back off from doing so, if he doesn't then you shouldn't be with someone you don't trust. You can't be happy if you are worried all the time.
I have been there before and you do feel crazy at the time but your not being crazy.. you have every right to feel the way you do because HE IS being shady and not respecting you very much. My ex was a major flirt and was always being so odd. I overlooked it because I loved him at the time but looking back I really wish I would have just broken it off with him when I started having those 'gut intuitions'. You need to respect yourself and your feelings.. If he is making you feel insecure and 'crazy' then you should let him go because that's not how someone is supposed to make you feel. I know its hard- it is not supposed to be easy.. but it sounds like you already know that in hindsight, you aren't being treated the way you deserve and that its just your 'love hormone' that's keeping you around right now.. Just know that Ive been there before too and so have many other girls.. don't feel like its your fault at all because he is the one being disrespectful, immature, shady, and just plain rude by flirting and being sneaky with other girls.