I met N earlier this year, about March, after a five year hiatus of not being friends. We were friends in elementary school but that’s not that important. I can’t exactly express in words how we became so close so quickly, we were put in a pretty shitty circumstance, bonding over finding out that our mutual best friend is abused by his father. But since then, we spend every waking moment together. I’ve showed up at his house in the middle of the night because neither of us could sleep, we have had sleepovers on FaceTime and basically done everything together. But, things are more complicated than us being “just friends”.
It became more complicated when one night when I was dropping him off, there was a slight tension between us, and he whispered “Can I please kiss you already”, and we did. We’ve kissed a few times since then, slightly hooked up and have tried to talk about it but it always ends the same way. I say what are we, he says i really like you and want to be with you, i say i do too, and he says okay but i want you and so on and so forth but nothing has ever been defined because i don’t think he wants to tie himself down.
I am in love with him. Everything he is, everything he stands for, I just want him so badly. I don’t want the friendship we have to be changed and we have a big group of friends that I wouldn’t want to mess up. But he means the world to me and hiding those emotions is beginning to kill me. I probably missed something important but anyway please help.