Borderline Pers.Disorder spouse (was a bad decade here)
Hello, for the last 12+ years I have been in a relationship (married 11 years to) a woman with borderline personality disorder. During the first 1-2 years of marriage, she forced me to drop all friends and family, all hobbies/interests outside of hers, and was consistently verbally abusive. After trying a number of ‘shrinks’ I finally found a counselor who after a few years who didn’t say “leave her immediately”, and who helped me get over the PTSD and depression resulting from the abuse. My wife has for the most part improved her behavior since then, and become better adjusted and social, but her bad(BPD) behavior is still around–just simply confined to the part of her life involving me. We have a son and I am (obviously) committed to staying with her, but she refuses to get any help, and blames me for “being miserable”. She has recently stated that I am now the opposite of all that she respects/likes, and it is irrelevant that I have tolerated her oppressive behaviour for so many years, since I am now too hurt to be useful/help her much psychologically. Any hints, anyone? I’m well beyond my wits’ end (as of several years ago).
If she does not want the help therapy (even if she agrees to it) will not work. I have BPD and I didn't realize I really needed help. I let it go and so did everyone else. Though one day my boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me and I snapped. I hurt myself really bad so he called 911. They sent me to the hospital and I was sent to a psych hospital. That week in the psych hospital made me realize I should try to get better. Now idk if you want to go to those extremes or if it would even help but I know it really helped me. I am in a new relationship. I told him about everything right away. He understood and when I freak out on him he knows I don't mean it. I don't think hes a doormat for that. I think that he is just really trying to help. I pushed around my ex because he didn't understand and treated me like a child. Now I have a true partner that really communicates with me. Therapy is really the onlything thats going to help her but she really has to want it and realize she needs help. Im sorry I don't know how to tell you to get her to want help.
Hi Mark you seem like a nice guy and all however as an outsider looking in with only one side of the story this may not be what you want to hear, ...they say advice is what you ask for when you already know the answer...that being said ....you and your wife are toxic, your both sei g selfish by not letting each other go...you should end the marriage and give your son a chance in this. world by co parenti g ...staying together with your wife will only fuel the confusion in a childhood like the one hes living in other words your not a good role model right now...neither is your wife....you may believe your hima person stands by their spouse, but be real, you wanna teach him to be happy in life, ...im not sure if your standing by wife because you dont want to admit defeat or what...and seems like wife knows that it makes no difference what button of yours she pushes, she k ows she can push them all coz your not gonna leave her...so its become a game to you both...you need to look at the bigger pitcure....your stubborn and it makes you look like a door mat , shes just starting each new day a question of how can i piss him off today.....sounds like the love has left a long time ago...you both deserve to be happy....but its not about you two anymore...its about your kid...how can he respect either one of you at this point...at this rate when he turns 18 hes goon get tje hell out of there
Robin, thanks for the reply, but you should know that this is majorly BPD affected--there are no bad intentions, or efforts to "piss each other off".
There also is a promise/commitment, as well as love--which is the reason I ask the question. I agree that if parenting ability is compromised beyond a certain point, then it's only fair to end it for the kids.
L2L--she is becoming aware of black/white, but not yet unable to detect when she switches into that "mode", and the distortions change her memory of black/white judgements and 'events'. Not yet accepted any help, but is now open to it. I had spent years seeing psychs, but she is still not 'there' yet.