Best friend can’t let go of emotionally abusive ex

My best friend started dating her first boyfriend at the end of her junior year in high school. He was her first everything – kiss, sex, love – all the good stuff. They would constantly bicker, but just because they were both so stubborn. Eventually, however, it started to pile up and I could tell the situation was unhealthy. Often she was unhappy, but couldn’t bring herself to leave him. They graduated and went to the same college and then relationship continued in that way. He became more and more abusive, everything except physically, but she wouldn’t let go. During one of their break-up periods, she tried to kill herself for multiple reasons. The experienced traumatized her, and she would never try it again. But after it happened, her ex (finally) would say the meanest things about her attempt such as, “I don’t want to worry about dating a girl who will ‘off’ herself” or “I was so worried because my life would have been over…they would have seen the text messages I sent you and blamed it on me.” He’s literally the worst human. Now, she recognizes it, but part of her still can’t let it go. She had sex with him recently and hated herself after. She knows all the awful things he did. She gets it. But she just can’t/won’t detach herself. I don’t know what to do. I’m trying to set her up with a close friend of mine..but I worry that that relationship is just going to get messed up if something comes up with her ex. I love this girl dearly. She’s so smart and strong…except when it comes to him. Help.

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Alexandra Joy

4 Answers

I would advise that you don't set her up with a new guy at the moment, first she has to break up and get over her ex, otherwise the new guy will be messed up and things could get bad. if you tried talking to her and it didn't work out, ask her family for help, I'm sure her relatives can assist better since they know her nature, or at least arrange for her to stay at a relative's home in a different city or state (village/away from city) away from her abusive ex, so she doesn't have a way to see him for a while. that should give her some time to think and get busy with other activities.

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Lady

Wow, that must be very hard for you watching him abuse her that way. The problem here is that you can't force someone to do something, not even if it's for their benefit. You can't force a smoker to put out a cigarette, you can't force a diabetic to put down the chocolate bar, and you can't force her to break up with her boyfriend. But that doesn't mean you can't do anything. Point the abuse out to her. She might be so used to it that she doesn't recognize it for what it is. Don't have a big, long discussion about it (because it might seem like you're attacking her for being with him). Instead, just point out little things as they come by. Next time she texts you complaining about his abuse make sure you tell her that you think what he's doing is abusive, and that she deserves better. Do that every time (although I'm sure you probably already do). Try to help her feel more confident - she might not think she's worthy of a real, loving relationship. Or maybe she's afraid of being alone, so let her know that she isn't. During their "off" periods, don't try to set her up with anyone - if she's plotting suicide, then she is NOT mentally stable enough to start a new relationship. Support her, let her know it's not her fault, it's all on him. I wish there was more you can do, but ultimately she is the one who has to make the decision to leave him, you can't do that for her. But you can support her.

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Kate

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I'm not sure there is any advice that can be given in this instance, 3 years ago i was lucky enough to escape from the exact same circumstances. Time and safety is all your friend needs, send her to family in another state, try to get her to talk to a professional counselor about everything - sometimes a person completely removed from the whole situation helps the person in danger see if differently.One thing you as her friend has to know is it never ever goes away, it gets smaller and easier to manage but it never is far from the back of your thoughts and when you finally get your life back to normalish the guilt kicks in. This is where we forever torment ourselves with flash backs of all the times we should have left but didn't and all the things we should have but didn't say... the easiest way for a person who has been through this to continue living is to start a new - that means friends who are willing to give up associations with people who connect back to him!abusive lovers is a break of trust not just the persons heart, from now on your going to have to be her filter, stop her jumping back to other douche bags that will leave her in the same situation.Its hard to watch a friend go through what your watching but keep sticking it out if you can cause at the end of the day what saved me was my friends and family and having that unconditional love to go home to made a huge difference.

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Turquoise_panda

With her suicidal ideation, she is past the point of just talking about it. That relationship is hurting her and she needs help. Take her to her family or to another trusted friend and run an intervention on her. She needs the tough talk to snap her head out of it before she ends up pregnant by that asshole then she'll never be rid of his abuse.

After the intervention, you need to support her and tell her that just because he was her first that it doesn't make how he is treating her okay. She is not thinking straight and she is not acting in her own best interest. She needs to be kept away from that young man until she can make a rational decision, and that young man needs to be told to stay away while she is recovering.

Yes, it is her life and her body, but she needs help right now, she does not need a bunch of bystanders sitting back and shaking their heads and saying "What a shame". Help her while she isn't helping herself before she gets hurt any worse. Get her family to help talk her into going into therapy.

DO something, but do NOT set her up with anyone, she is too emotionally vulnerable. Romance is not what she needs right now.

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Humanist Hope

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