Are my marriage thoughts wrong?

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My dad and my mom separated when I was 8, and after the divorce, my mom moved my brother and I across the country when I was 10. It was a really difficult time period for my family, lots of financial struggles, lies, etc..

I guess ever since then, I’ve had no interest in getting married. Most end in divorces anyways. But my mom practically raised us alone, and the three of us are super close. I rarely see my dad, only talk to him every once in a while. So a father figure never played a huge role in my life. I personally just can’t see myself getting married. I want to have a family like the one I have, because my mom did this super job of raising us like she was our friend. We came out to be a couple of pretty successful kids, doing what we do. And my views on parenting and things differ from most people, especially in my current relationship. And there’s so much pressure in my relationship to marry him and have kids with him and take his last name. I really don’t want any of that. I love him, but I don’t want marriage to ruin our relationship like many marriages have done. Marriage ruined my family. I want like… a forever engagement. But there’s so much pressure from him and society and his family to get married and have kids. Am I wrong for not wanting that?

Category: Tags: asked March 20, 2014

4 Answers

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The main thing about marriage is that your children (if you have one day) have a father and a mother and that both have the child's custody legaly, it's more about making having kids much easier and unifies the money of the relationship (if you want to). I don't know where are you from but in some places you can still keep your surname after getting married and if someone says that is "bad",it's your name not theirs. Marriage doesn't ruin relationships, preasure to marry and unhealthy relationships do.
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Of course you aren't wrong! I personally don't want to get married either. I also don't want children. For some people it just isn't the kind of path they want to take and that's completely fine. Society is messed up in how it will tell you to live your life and make people feel abnormal, but honestly it's more important that you live a happy life that you want, and no one can tell you what will make you happy.
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I think the pressure society puts on couples to marry is somewhat lifting. In Australia, Europe, and the United States, the presence of de facto relationships (or commonlaw marriages) are increasing, providing all the civil benefits of marriage without actually being married. In terms of your own personal desires, you are never "wrong." If he is not satisfied with accepting all of your quirks, including this one that in effect changes nothing about your relationship but the label, then he is not the one for you. Best wishes!
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I think before you start worrying about what could go wrong, maybe it is worthwhile to check onto just why do it in the first place. There is something great about ceremonies. Ever remember your graduation day and just how great that day felt like you could do anything? I have never been married myself but no matter how simple the ceremony would be, I imagine it would be the same. It would be like praying for a good outcome, and receiving other's well wishes on your decision to finally tie the knot. To tie the knot.. there must be some good reason why that phrase is used. I know someone who had been with someone for more than 10 years, and finally got married. But when she talked about it, you could see her face light up. More than 10 years, and a marriage could still have the power of making things feel new, and more strengthened.

Personally, I am scared. The three words I can't seem to say so I say it in my actions. And I find myself saying it in my thoughts when I am about to close my eyes and about to fall asleep. Not sure how old you are, but sometimes, our parents want to see us settled, and having kids. They want to know we know what we want and someone is taking care of us. But it is a lot of pressure when you just don't feel ready for it. So long as your partner is okay with that, because he might be envisioning a different future with you. You might have to kind-of test the water and see what he has to say on the matter, not your assumptions. Because one day you might find him leaving and not know why.