Sometimes I just wish I could have been a screw up a long time ago. Then no one would expect anything from me. The only thing keeping me in school is the feeling that I “should” be here. Also the idea that I won’t be any happier in any other situation. I don’t have any better ideas. Is that the right reason to be spending all this money and putting all this work into something? What does someone who doesn’t know what they’re doing (or where to go) do? Should I just go get a job? And do what? These are all valid questions. I need to go self discover. I miss home, but not because I miss the place. I miss home because of what could have been. I wish it was all outlined. I don’t know how to take care of me. I know how to handle other people’s lives, but I don’t think anyone realizes that raising a family meant not really having much of a life myself. Now that I don’t have other lives to look out for and bounce off of I feel alone. I need someone to take care of. I NEED someone to be able to put before myself. I know what spawned these feelings of uncaring. It was that loss. The day I saw the two lines everything changed. Anything I thought I wanted went out the window. I no longer wanted anything but to love this little soybean sized person that I made, albeit by accident, but still. It was me. It was him. I loved him at the time. I don’t anymore. Now I just love the idea of what could have been. It would have been amazing. I would have had someone to love, and who, after all was said and done, would love me too. I had some direction. I had a life, and all because of this tiny human. I hate that things happened the way they did. Ever since the day I lost that little child I have never been the same. I feel… Empty. I have tried to fill that hole with things. Guys, Sex, Drugs (nothing serious), and now School. It just isn’t working. I don’t know what to do. I am an 18 year old who feels empty. I need to find myself. The problem is that I never really had myself to begin with. I don’t know who I am. I don’t know what I like. I know what I dislike. But that only helps to narrow me into the gray area that is my life. I want to just be a normal screw up. I want to have a little family, live somewhere quiet and mediocre, and just be happy. I want to have the things I have to do be outlined. Maybe I’m just waiting for the right time? I mean my subconscious or whatever. I would be happy. I would be so happy. Even when I was a child all I wanted was to be a happy mom and take care of my family. Trust me, I know first hand how hard it can be. But at the same time, I want it. I can handle the hard with the happy. I don’t want to end up doing it alone though. I don’t want to have my children not have a father. But if he decided that, then I would manage just fine. I would love my children more than I love myself. I already love them and they don’t exist yet. I think it’s because those instincts kicked in, and then were never used. But I just feel like i am aimlessly wandering through my life. I need to figure this out before I have a degree in something I don’t want and am $37,000 in debt. I just don’t know where to go from here…
