Am I wrong to hate my dad? How can I stop?

Well I’m 23. About 2 years ago I found out my dad was cheating on my mom with hookers. I kept it secret for a year as I really had no right to look but I guess that female intuition kicked in and i just knew something was up. but like I said I had no right to look, it wasnt my relationship so i just kept it inside
Fast forward a year and $100k is missing from the bank (gambling and hooker addiction/that is if he didn’t stash it all somewhere) and this is where I told my (alcoholic) mother about what i had found.
They decided to stay together but they fight and are both miserable. me and my dad have fought in which he has said some pretty disgusting things to me. hes blamed me for the reason their marriage is falling apart, attempted to say that i was doing something wrong and when i asked what he backtracked and said well its the things you don’t do so I knew he was trying to just find the blame to place on someone else. he’s lied to my face and sworn on my life on those lies and just said things that I don’t know that I can forgive no matter how hard i try.
i don’t know how to stop hating him.

I’ve worked around my mother’s alcoholism to have a semi-functional relationship with her, but I just can’t seem to pull it off with my dad. I don’t hold grudges, I don’t wish bad on people, but I can’t seem to help myself. I hate him, and I hate that I hate him.

Category: Family asked August 18, 2013

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Alexandra

9 Answers

If you wanna talk I'm here

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Your Angel

As someone who has experienced the whole dad-cheating-on-mother thing, I can only say that if your opinion is in favor of your mother, than you'll just be unable to like him. I've had plenty of somewhat-step-fathers, none of which I liked, so I sorta just learned to deal with it until I'm able to live on my own and get out of the mess. If you'd like to mend the relationship, I'm not sure how you'd go about it other than just telling him that things took a bad turn, but there's time to fix it. Or try to keep it in - just teach yourself to not say anything that could be offending in anyway to him, and if he tries to start a fight, don't raise your voice and try to stay logical and end it as soon as you can. I do hope things can get better for you! If you'd like to talk, I don't mind!

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Dannizy

His role and status in your life is not his right, it's whatever you feel it should be. You are not obligated to care about him, defend him, help him, or do anything for him. He is in no position to blame you for calling him out. You do not owe anyone your goodwill, love, sympathy; you owe him nothing. So if he doesn't deserve your sympathy, kindness or love, don't try to give him any. If you want to help him, you need to have him realize that he's the only one who can start to fix this because it started with his lying. If he is in denial and will not accept reasoning, you should distance yourself from him until he is able to accept and ask for help. You do not need someone who is going to blame their problems and lies on you in your life.Basically, if someone treats you like shit. You deserve better. Always. Until he realizes that HE caused the problems in HIS life and HIS marriage and HE accepts responsibility, the situation probably won't improve. You owe him no love or space in your heart.

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Sonette

Hi there, I'm so sorry to hear about what you and your family went through because of your dad :( As the others have said, you are not obligated to love any of your family members just because they are family. Family members can be capable of doing things to each other, terrible things, without remorse. There's no shame in resenting them for this, or wanting to distance yourself or even sever contact. That being said, hate is a powerful and consuming emotion. Not to say it isn't justified in this situation, but what I'm concerned about for you is how it is negatively affecting yourself to have this anger towards your dad. :( Sometimes, it's important to recognize that some people cannot change who they are and that you don't deserve to waste your time and energy trying to change them, or trying to fix things with them. My advice to you would be to let go of your dad, as much as possible. Try to let go of your hatred in time--again, not because it isn't justified at all. Your Dad sounds like a toxic person, and you deserve better. You don't owe him anything--not your love, either. Please do not feel guilty about this, or blame yourself. None of this is your fault. I pray that all of this works out for you soon, sweetie. xx Love, Jess

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JessicaAnn

I understand perfectly why you hate your father but I also think that you shouldn't. no matter what he has done he is still your father, your own flesh and blood. I know its hard for you at the moment but the truth is, without him you wouldn't even be here. Your father has done wrong but if you can but the past behind and enjoy the present and whatever the future has for you, you'll be fine. If your parents are open, they can try counseling. Try talking to someone you are close and who you think is wise enough. if you ever need to talk, I'm here to listen. good luck

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Jemima P. Raine

143

You're not wrong to hate your dad....and I know you can't control the anger and resentment you feel towards him, but just remember that the only person who is hurt my hatred is the person who hates someone else. You're only hurting yourself by this hatred.
If possible, try and move out. Find a friend to stay with...get your own apartment...move in with a relative. I think being separated from them will do you some good.
It's hard to just immediately stop hating someone. These things take time. Your mind needs the time to process and accept what he did. The past is the past, and you can't control his current actions.

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Lauren

931

-2

You have a perfectly good reason to

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Your Angel

You do not have to like him just because he's your Dad. You owe him nothing, especially with all of the things he has done. You're not wrong at all. Your feelings towards your Dad are completely 100% valid. You have every right to feel this way. I know it's hard because he's your Dad, but imagine if it was someone else close to you who did this. Do you think you would feel the same way? Would you hate that you hated them? Or would you just plain ol' hate them? You are allowed to hate him. You don't have to feel guilty for that, you've done nothing wrong by feeling this way.
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If you really want to make peace about this situation with yourself and/or with your Dad, you need to try to let it go. Time will help, it won't happen overnight. Accept that it happened, and that it can't be changed now. Dwelling on the past is never healthy. You need to try and live in the present. Take things one step at a time. Maybe try to talk this over with your Dad if it's him you want to make peace with, or talk to someone close to you if you want to make peace with yourself. Just talking about it will help lessen the burden this is putting on you.
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I hope this helps. Good luck figuring this out.

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Jess

2,717

Some parents fail in being good parents. And you can always choose whether to hate him or not. I hate mine so I understand you completely, it feels like shit to realize that people you've leaned against prove to be the ones you should be away from. And you have many reasons to hate him, you are the one who can say he's a screw up and everything you want to.

I know from experience that when fathers or any parent screws up bad, they'll feel so guilty that they'll put the weight on your shoulders just to ease the embarrassment. So all the words he's been saying is because he's embarrassed and don't take them personally. They are the words of a fucked up parent. And I advice you not to mess up with their relationship; talk with you mother about it instead. Say that they'd be both happier divorced and try to talk her out of it. Screaming about it to your father won't help. It's something the adults need to talk about even though they can't fulfill their shoes anymore.

I wish all the best for you, sweetie!

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