Hey y’all, I’ll spare the soppy backstory but just give a little background info. So I’m in “12″th grade (though, do lack of credits I probably won’t be graduating with my class) and from 8th-10th grade I was going through some serious issues. I was diagnosed with depression, I was directed to a therapist, got on some meds, etc. I regret my two years in highschool of doing fucking nothing and if I could go back and do it all over, you can be damn sure I would. But life doesn’t work that way.
Nowadays, I’m typically happy. The only thing I really want is a job, but I need to get my license first (yes, didn’t get that either because I wanted nothing to do with driving when I was in that emotional rut), and then hopefully I will start applying.
Well, I mentioned I’m usually happy nowadays. And I am. But with school matters, I’m not. Soon as I think about not being able to graduate on time, getting held back a year, disappointing my parents since I really do not want to go to college – anything school related, makes me miserable.
I don’t want to die. There’s a lot of stuff I desperately want to do. But I honeslty don’t know if I can take all this school shot anymore… I think of killing myself more. I love heights, so I always get a thrill out of climbing trees, being on all buildings, etc. That’d be my preferred method of killing myself. At first I brushed this off as just being sad, but I don’t know anymore…walking home, I look at the passing cars and I legitimately think of what it would be like jumping in front of one but I
overthink things, I try to be considerate of others despite how hard it can be and I think, wow, if I jumped in front of this persons car that’d be really traumatic for them. I don’t want to convenience anybody…I don’t want to be selfish. I don’t want to die and I’m sorry, but at the rate this is going I can’t deal with school.
There are so many fantastic people in my life and I love them more than they could ever know. I get so attached to people it’s not even funny, and they would never suspect it. I don’t want to kill myself because I don’t want it to be noticed. But of course, I can’t just magically disappear and not except a damn thing.
And don’t get me wrong, I usually am happy! When I’m not thinking about school as stuff. My classes aren’t hard compared to others, but it’s still hard to me so I could give less of a fuck if someone in more challenging classes says “ohhh, you’re so stupid you could never do this” you know what, I don’t care. We’re all human beings deep down and you could be in a slower class or a faster one, and it can still be hard for you.
But I still feel guilty sad angry selfish and I don’t know. I mean I feel incredibly happy when I’m not talking about school matters…I mean, I love learning I love most of my teachers to DEATH. But I can’t graduate, I won’t graduate, I can’t grow up and I’m not strong enough to survive. I don’t think I’m depressed, I shouldn’t be right? I’m just so confused.
I don’t want to die but at the same time I do….I don’t know what to do or who to talk to. I have so many great adults in my life I could discuss this with but I wouldn’t want to put them in an awkward situation by doing that. And I’m super sensitive, I break down crying at everything…happy, sad, mad, etc…
It’s just. I wish my school put me in one of those emotional support schedules back in 9th grade. Many nice people I knew were and they were going through a lot of shit like me too. But why not me? Why didn’t I get that? I don’t want to sound selfish but I think it would have helped me and…they just offered it to me NOW like…dude, teachers….it’s my “last” year….I’m happy now…why couldn’t I get the help I needed, when I needed it most? I don’t understand. The guidance counselor knew about my meds, my depression, my therapist, etc. So why didn’t i
I’m sorry, I’m bitching too much. If I could choose work over school, I would..I love my teachers, I love learning latin, anatomy – my two favourite subjects. But I can’t deal with this stress. I csnt deal with my past fuck-ups preventing me from progressing in the future and I know I’m just a stupid kid, but it’s just not fair. 
Idk. I’m confused.the fuck is wrong with me?
