Am I Selfish for wanting more???

Sorry for the grammar and punctuation ahead of time!! Im 24 & I have been with my husband for 8 years, 4 years of dating & 4 years of marriage. We have always had our off and on’s since the beginning. I know, as well as he knows that the only reason we started living together was because I got pregnant. I was not overly concerned about getting pregnant @ the time b/c I felt that that was the only way to leave my parents house in peace.(this was due to abusive and complete chaos at my parents home experienced for years ,but I digress. That’s a whole other ISSUE).
He (my husband) never said “lets get an apartment, let’s plan for baby, where are we gonna live, lets get married”. It was mostly me suggesting and acting to get things done. Don’t get me wrong he is not a bad guy and I love him he’s my best friend in a way I tell him about everything and have never felt uncomfortable talking to him. But that is the thing I have never LOVED him LOVED him. Ladies you understand that right? I have never felt that spark of “OMG I love this man and miss him so much it hurts”, not even in the beginning.
I have tried since we moved in together 5yrs ago to give it time and I have even went so far as letting him know a few times over the years that I’am not happy that I need MORE. I’ve asked him “can you try to be more affectionate, kiss me when you see me or say goodbye, give me flowers, write me a love note, call or text me when your at work, hold my hand”, but he “TRYS” for a week or so and then goes back to the same. I dont expect this on a daily basis but would it hurt to do it once a month? I have even suggested we separate for a time and see what happens. His only response to that was ” I dont want to see the children(2 of them) only on weekends”……..Whats that all about? He says he loves me and doesnt see himself with anyone else. But I find that hard to believe. I think he is just use to me and refuses to put in effort of finding someone else.
Two years before I met him (my husband) I met a guy, I will call him Berto. Me and Berto never dated we were only friends. To me he was like the brother I never had we talked about everything, from our relationships to family and friends to school and work. Even in my innocence I knew his type though…a Player. But when I talked to him my heart would flutter and I’d stammer and when we hung out I was incredibly happy to be with him. I would not let myself ,though, admit to myself that it would ever be more than friendship for many reasons. 1) My parents have the most unbelievable worst marriage ever, what with the all the cheating 2) Berto’s parents just so happened to be from my parents country too and Men from that country carry the stigma of always being cheaters, therefore enforcing my fear of having a marriage llike my parents. 3) I’ve never felt very pretty or confident and 4)Too many other reasons to name. But when I look back I realize I was so scared to take that chance of being hurt of being cheated on by this man who to me was perfection.
Me and Berto did not stop talking until I got pregnant and moved in with my now husband. When I told him I was pregnant Berto jokingly asked if i was sure it wasnt his child, that he would marry me and take care of me and the baby. Even though that was in no way possible, I wonder if maybe he had the same conflict going on in him about loving me more than a friend. but in the end we both laughed and parted ways. My husband always knew about my friendship with Berto. Not my feelings back then or Bertos remark about the baby but He always knew about him. He refused to ever meet him or talk to Berto when we were dating.
I have dreams of Berto every now and again. I swear every time I wake up from one, the amazing happiness I feel in that dream wraps me and holds me even after I wake up. But I dont think its Berto specifically that generates the happiness, its the Love I feel in the dream. Its so strong and happy.My God do I want that!
I have never cheated on my husband and would never in this lifetime,but I refuse to be my parents! Always unhappy never feeling complete with your significant other. Lately i have been feeling so unbelievably lonely that i feel like it suffocates me. I have even mentioned it to my husband but still nothing from him and im use to it, but i am at a loss of what to do. Where to start to change my life. But maybe Im being selfish with my children , maybe my chance is gone and I shouldnt even think about disturbing their lives in this way I dont know. Would they be happier with mommy and daddy together even though theres no love. Ugh!!! I feel like I make no sense! My thoughts are all over the place. But I feel better getting this off my chest Its just been running around in my mind for years.

Category: Dating & Relationships Tags: # confused Lonely love marriage mother years asked August 2, 2013

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Cindy LuWho

6 Answers

Firstly, about the children...if you YOU grew up noticing how unhappy your parents were and it still didn't keep you from having an unhappy marriage of your own, that there tells you that children learn from example, not lecture. So if you want them to avoid the same mistakes (or maybe you don't feel it was a mistake to marry), then you need to live your life, not preach an idea of life to them, while you cry somewhere because you're beyond frustrated. While divorce is very common today, its not always done to keep a family together, but emotions running wild or someone chasing selfishness. But in some cases its best for the children to not grow up in a home of two unhappy people, to unhappy people who are they are supposed to learn happiness from. It just won't work. I'm not saying to leave your husband, but something has to give for the sake of the family.

I'm conflicted on whats going on with your husband. I know your story, and its not that i don't believe you, i just remember being in a relationship where someone was always demanding something, they were never satisfied, and i tried and tried, but they were never satisfied. Eventually i wondered if i was just really crappy at loving, but i don't think i was. I had a lot on my plate; taking care of her and i, chasing dreams, being happy, etc. But to this person, anytime i just didn't have the energy to be all over them meant that i didn't care and thus she lost her love for me. It feels unfair, because i loved her and would love her til the end. So i don't know if maybe having to take care of the family is a burden weighing on your husband's ability to express his passion for you.

Nevertheless, you're both young, plenty of life still left to live. And you're very unhappy. If he loves you and really wants no one but you, he'll do whatever he can to make this work. I do think you two should take a break from one another. Sometimes you need that peace between you to help remember why you came together in the first place; was it love of the situation.

I really don't like advocating divorce, hence why i wouldn't marry in the first place, because if things go sour, why do we need to involve a court in our personal business. Marriage shouldn't have anything to do with a church or the state. But if you two are just going to continue being unhappy, then you are endangering your children. They will notice your unhappiness, and they will blame themselves. I don't envy you, but i really hope the best. Its ok to want to be in love, but know that love is a process requiring patience.

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(◣_◢)Poet

1,424

I am not the romantic type at all so I kind of am on the same boat as your husband. I'm a pretty independent person so I would never want a guy to be texting me all the time or giving me presents just because I never feel like that's sincere. I feel it's more from the heart when they do a nice gesture every once in a while and it's just more thoughtful not this textbook romance of giving flowers and all that other crud. And I'm sure he cares about you and loves you, I think you've just hit a point in your relationship where everything is a routine. Relationships goes from compassionate love to companionship love, so it's more of a deep friendship but that's bound to happen right? Maybe you should spice things up, guys like receiving notes and gifts just as much as women and maybe when he sees you putting the effort he will too, just so it's a give and receive. And I'm going to say that you had feelings for this other guy because he was new and exciting, think of it as a brand new shiny toy, so in the beginning it gives you excitement to see it and whatnot, but once you start playing with it that fades away and it soon goes to the corner to become forgotten. So I would just say rekindle the relationship and since you want more romance, try to become the more romantic one and I'm sure he will be touched by the gesture and want to reciprocate that. Anyway, best of luck, have a good one.

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bricheese

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I agree with Poet on the break thing. But let that be only what it is, not a DIVORCE, but a break. Sometimes guys don't know what they have till its gone, and clearly the desire you have for affection is showing up in your dreams through "Berto"

A part of me also feels like your husband probably questions everday if he truly wanted to be with you, ONLY BECAUSE the committed changes you've done in both of your lives happened on your terms. Guys need more time to realize what they really want before they act on it, and I feel like maybe he feels he was rushed into a situation before he got a chance to choose if its what he wanted.

So as much as he probably does love you, he's probably not as sure about his feelings of being IN LOVE because you guys never had that test and trial of distance to figure it out.

I preach a lot about men and loosing their power because I do see men as needing to be not only the head of the household but also the relationship.

So I think this is something you should discuss with him, discuss meaning asking him what he felt about your lives moving this fast and what he feels about love and affection toward you, and if the situation you're in is truly what he wanted.

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fark

1,162

There is no abuse going on in my marriage or with my children. Just to clear that up, I mentioned that as part of my past with MY parents. As for counseling, we have had counseling with the church, but still nothing changes. Believe me when I mentioned that I have tried EVERYTHING. And given my husband every opportunity to fix our problems. I have talked to him and asked him what he wants but he refuses to acknoledge there is even a problem.

and to Bricheese, I will admit that I'am the hopeless Romantic type and would love more atttention hugs gifts and kisses from my partener but i am also realistic. I dont expect this from him on a daily basis... Is once a month too much to ask? I honestly dont think it is. And why should I constantly be asking and letting him know I want to be hugged or kissed? I'am not a child. I think you guys are right about the seperating thing, but this will be my very last attempt at trying to save this for us because God knows I'am tired of trying to make something out of nothing. and the loneliness is just eating up inside.

oh and for those of you concerned about my children, thank you. But In that regard I have absolutely no regrets and no complaints. My children could not have asked for a more loving and caring father. He is amazing with them. I do not regret my children. I love them more than humanly possible and I treasure & guard their happiness and innocence more than you or even they will ever know because of my awful childhood and experiences.

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Cindy LuWho

The way I see it a lot of women have there "berto" when their partners are not very romantic. My partner has his moments but really very rarely will say he loves me or buys me flowers. So I sometime get that need for some romance when you think back to your past when you got butterflies and your skin tingled when a man touched you, then you feel sad that you can't have that with your partner/husband. Then you either turn to the person who does give you that feeling or like me you think about a movie star.
I think only you know how you really feel about your husband. You have just got to ask yourself important questions. Like Will this berto live up to your expectations? Would you regret leaving your husband? And so on. I always said to my mom when she moaned about her bf " would you be happier if he was not in your life?" I think that's the ultimate question to ask yourself. I know I ask myself this question every time I have have been to work, looked after my son, done the dinner and tides up his mess, then he asks me for sex lol how romantic. But my answer is always No, I wouldn't be happier. Good luck in whatever you decide.

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moonshine.

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I am going to add my bit here to as i know there are plenty of things others have said for you to think out.So please bare with me.
I too was married young and that was 38 years now.Its not always been easy ,my circumstances are a little different and I want pregnant and we both only ever had each other,no one before hand at all.
I also don't get the attention I want any more, but for me this is due to the health of my sweat heart.So I know its some what frustrating and you can feel a little lonely as well,even though they are there.
Its a shame to be honest that you felt the need to get pregnant to leave your parents home. Having made the choices you did though you have to make the best of it all.
I do not believe in divorce except under circumstances of abuse but also be careful as men do look at things very differently to women,and some times take a separation meaning much the same thing.
I wonder if there is any where,in the country and area you live that perhaps some kind of counseling together can help you??. Just something to think about.
I also know by those Ive seen around me that if children are in unhappy homes that it is not good environment for them.So this is why I suggest getting some help in some way if you possibly can.Believe me when I say it can make all the difference .
ABUSE IS A DIFFERENT MATTER. IF THERE WAS THAT GOING ON BETWEEN YOU I WOULDNT HESITATE TO TELL YOU IT IS NOT GOOD AT ALL TO HAVE THE KIDS UNDER THE SAME ROOF AS THIS.
Sorry! i just wanted to emphasise this,just in case you are not telling us something here.Not saying this is the case though!
As for any one in the past,leave the past just as it is,the past. Go forward and do what you can to help your marriage and you kids to be living in a good environment. It is worth it. good Luck! :-)

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Anonymous

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