Am I making this all up?

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Basically, my family (including myself, my brother(younger) mum and dad) all moved to the south east coast of England when I was 10. We moved in with my grandparents. So it has always been quite hard, and there is this awful lack of privacy, but we do try and get on with our lives as best we can. Now we moved in 7 years ago. Both my parents suffer with depression and anxiety and my brother was treated for depression when he started suffering during secondary school. I on the other hand, felt I needed to be strong for the others so everything I felt was pushed to the back of my mind. And now 3 years on from then everything I feel is coming back out. Now unfortunately my family pet died a year ago in March, he’d been with us since I was 4 so he was very important to me and I took his loss quite hard. Then following that in November my grandfather passed away at home. Because my grandmother was so distraught it wasn’t until quite late that evening that his body was taken to the funeral directors. So I had sat with him and we all talked. And although I wasn’t close to my grandfather I had lived with him for 7 years of my life and I’d seen him a lot 10 years before that, so again he was a big part of my life. So when it came to the funeral I didn’t hold back the tears. But since then, my life has been an emotional roller-coaster. I finished school and received a conditional offer to attend art college which I am really happy about. However I also tried my hardest to find a job. Meanwhile I’ve got all these things in my head that I believe ultimately come down to me being anxious and worried. I’m not very good with not having control of things and being out of my comfort zone. So when I did get a job, I ended up having a panic attack and phoning them saying I couldn’t come in. That day I revealed to my parents and younger brother how upset and scared I am. How when sometimes I shout at people and instantly want to berate myself for shouting. I’m very under confident, close to feeling self-loathing. Since that day though, my parents haven’t really spoken to me much and I get the impression I’ve hurt them. So now I feel worse. I also get the impression that they don’t really believe me, or that they don’t want to believe me. I’m scared of everything that’s going on right now and I don’t know what to do. Please help?

Category: Tags: asked June 18, 2014

2 Answers

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It's common for people sacrificing themselves in some way for others to sometime cave in to the pressure and vent out, and then experience guilt for it, once they go back to the "I'm going to put aside my feelings and wants because the other people in my life are fragile etc." attitude. You did right in letting them know how you feel, and you should try to keep doing it, aiming for doing it in a calm way. They might not know how to deal with your emotions, and with the change they need to work for to help you feel better, but you can think about it and tell them regularly what you want/need, along with how you feel.
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I agree with everything rinseandrep said, but would like to include that you should consider speaking to a therapist, who may be more supportive and capable of handling and advising you on your problems than your parents are.