am i being controlling or jealous


I am so stressed… My boyfriend and I love each other so much, we are in love, we are very passionate, but the following things are hindering us.

I have been with my boyfriend for ten months… He is 48, I am 46. After two months we moved in together. During these eight months, he has had different things to fight about… The first is this… My boyfriend has a lot of female friends that he has dated or had a “friends with benefits” type relationship. He is still friends with many of these women, and ok even though I’m a bit bothered I have come to accept it. they are just friends now!!! However, he has said that he has gone away with some of his friends and that is who he is. I told him that I would NEVER be ok with him ever going away with any woman friend. He said he doesn’t have plans but that if it ever came up that he wants to know that I would be ok with it. I said “no, we can go on vacation and “MAYBE” invite a friend along, but he and her alone I wouldn’t agree to. He said “what about me visiting an old high school female friend that I never had anything with, she only had a crush and wanted a relationship?” He didn’t see her in over thirty years, but then visited her once six years ago… They bonded by going to the Yosemite mountains… He says “this is me, if I want to do that again I should be able to. I told him that’s something “YOU AND I” can and should do and you can see her while we are there, not something you need to do with her alone. You didn’t even see her for thirty years, us not like it’s something you do every year. So he says that I am controlling and jealous and that he wants a woman who is secure and is ok with this “IF” he ever wanted to do it… Wether in five years or twenty years from now.

Another problem is this… Since he moved in he has been battling the family lifestyle and the fact that we are living in my marital home that I own completely now. He says every where he looks he envisions my ex living there and us having sexual relations. Sometimes he sees my kids and he sees my ex through them. I don’t speak to my ex, but he did cause a bit of problems when my boyfriend and I first started dating. He says he doesn’t feel clear, comfortable, or happy living there. I told him we can sell the house and get one together..

Now he is saying that we need to go back to the dating time we originally had when we first met, he misses that exciting time and that we need to learn and know of each other. He says we became an instant family and he wants “just us”. I tell him that we never stopped learning of each other just because we moved in… Time did not stand still from the two month point up until now. I also tell him if he would stop fighting about things we would be so much happier, exciting, and able to learn more of each other and enjoying ourselves as a couple. He wants the simplicity of dating with no heaviness… I say that’s a teenager style relationship, we are adults with responsibilities in our life… It’s not all just fun. So now he moved into the garage where he made a little office and that’s where he wants to work, sleep, and live… And says you and I just date, no boyfriend girlfriend title or we become just friends.. I said.. well I’m not doing the “just friends” gig, I won’t be a part of that and our relationship is way past the “just date” phase… our relationship has blossomed past that stage… It’s like telling a butterfly to turn back into a caterpillar. So he says…”then we are single!!!”

I need your opinions, comments, and ideas…. Please help!

Category: Tags: asked October 15, 2014

1 Answer

Girl, if I were you, I would definitely not want him to go on vacation with another chick that he has dated. You should inform him that (if you do) you trust him to go on vacation with her but SHE is the one that you can't trust- even though he may have no intention of messing around with her it doesn't mean that she doesn't. Also, if he has you, there should be no reason whatsoever to go on a vacation alone with someone else. Him saying that and that he wants a teenage style relationship makes it sound like he may want some sex? Just a thought. But if he does not want to continue dating you as an adult, it seems as if he does not really love you even though it may be easy for you to believe and you want to believe that. If he did, he would do what he could to make you happy and your standards do not seem unreasonable at all.