Am I a bad friend, or is he?


My best friend and I can talk about anything. He’s one of the closest people I know, and we’ve known each other for around 4-5 years. We literally talk about everything, from greek legends to worm hole theories to topics about sex to playing video games. However, I recently moved to university and met a really nice guy that I really like. My friend, (I’ll call him W), was excited for me and helped me interact with the guy I like.

W has been dating someone for a long time now, and is super happy. I completely understand when he needs to cancel our plans because she isn’t feeling well, or if she can see him. He’ll often cancel our plans to hang out with her, which is completely fine with me because I know that they don’t get to see each other often. If he’s had a bad day, he’ll talk to me about her or tell me what he’s trying to do to help her. I’m completely comfortable discussing that stuff with him, but he recently told me that if I start dating he doesn’t want to hear about any of it.

He said, “that we can talk about anything, and when you do start dating, officially, I don’t want to know anything about it.”

I think that’s incredibly hypocritical of him to say that I can talk about anyone I want to, but if I start to date anyone, I can’t say anything about it or ask advice or anything. He will talk about his girlfriend, but gets angry when I mention me dating anyone.

It really bugs me that I can’t talk to him about anything like that, because he gets angry and refuses to discuss it. He’s the only person I have that I could talk to about things like that, and I feel awful every time I want to ask him about something like that or if I want to discuss it because I need advice.

I honestly don’t know what to do, I want his advice on things because I trust him but he doesn’t want to talk about it. What should I do?

Category: Tags: asked November 8, 2014

2 Answers

I think he has a right to ask you to not vent to him about something. And you, based on this, have a right to ask the same, if this disparity makes you uncomfortable. You can even decide to listen for just 5 minutes to his torrential relationship stuff, and then change subject.
You can tell him how what he said made you feel as a friend, and see if he changes idea, although I guess that even if you are single now, you will be a tiny bit uncomfortable listening to him from now on.
That said, it was a good heads up! You know you need at least another good friend in case you need to talk about (your) relationships, so, start looking! It will help you filling the space your current best friends leaves you to hang with his girl.
We'll I'd say its fair from him to say that before it actually happens, eventho its weird that is true. Did you ask him why he acts that way? And that its basically very selfish of him expecting you to listen to him whine about his gf, but it doesn't work for him the other way round? Ofc you will not be able to change his mind on him listenin to your datingstories but at least you can make it clear that its very unfair of him acting that way especially since you consider him as close as a best friend. And that your friendship sure will suffer over time once you start seeing someone and not beeing able to tell your closest friend about your thoughts, worries and funs about it, ... But yea it might be good for you to not only hold on to that one friend, go out have fun and maybe you also make some new friends that you can fully trust over time - just as it worked with that guy. :) Good luck!