Alone without help or love


Soooooo… Here’s the beginning. It was all a few weeks ago when I first cut. I only told two people. Well I’ve had some issues now. Almost everyday I have a pencil scraping against my skin. There’s a line. And then yesterday I saw a hanger that didn’t have the little hook thing and it was metal. I scraped my wrist. A lot. More than I should have. There,a,few marks. Oh yea I also used my ring on my wrist too. My mother noticed today. I just told her I scratched my self in my sleep. She asked about the pencil thing too. Luckly I drew green marker over it and said “oh I got bored in math and drew on myself” witch isn’t entirely not true. I did do it in math. Yes I was bored but that’s not the reason I did it. I now have two little flat hair bands covering them. And a rubber band on the other wrist for purposes I think you can figure out. For,some reason I want help to try and make everyone NOT notice. I want them to care but I don’t want them to think about me because that would just be a waste of time. I’m a waste of space. And that’s all I will ever be.

Also recently I have absolutely no love life. Whatsoever. I feel like not even my own mother loves me (which is probably true) my crush that everyone thought likes me, ripped my heart out. The period after that was choir which I have to put a lot of emotion into especially lovey dovey songs which we were doing at the time. Our class wasn’t showing a lot of emotions So he said this. “You know that one person or thing that you just can’t live without? That’s your seed, your anchor. Think of that person or thing when you sing this song. I almost started balling my eyes out. It took everything I had in me, not to cry.

Tags: asked May 26, 2015

4 Answers

While I tend to agree somewhat with Coolsoda about life being less desirable at times, I have always believed that life is what we make of it. Our lives our defined not by other people but by ourselves, and we do what we feel we need to do to make life bearable. One of the things I have seen so many times in my life is people cutting themselves, the reasons are all different but the intent is the same, and that is to try and find a release for pain. Even myself at a young age I hurt myself, I did not cut, but I found more extreme ways to hurt myself, ways that most people would... I guess call insane. But when you can't find the right release for the emotions you are feeling you resort to methods that are dangerous to yourself, and ultimately ways that only bring temporary relief. I do not believe that however your selfish for being depressed, its hard to see when your always so conflicted in your life. If there is one thing I want to express to you it is that your not alone in this, it often feels like you are but your not, and its important to know that a lot of people in this world suffer from emotional pain. Cutting is not the way to find solid ground with your emotions it will only ever lead to more cutting. Try to find a healthy way to deal with your emotions, listen to music and sing with it, play a game, read a book, something you enjoy to take your mind off things and help to calm yourself. An remember life is a long road, its bumpy now but in a day, a week, a month a year it could all change for the better. Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better, but it does get better and that's a guarantee I make without a doubt in my mind. Again your not alone, and if you ever need to talk you feel free to message me, its way better then cutting or hurting yourself.
You know I can never be sure if my answers are terrible or if they actually help but either way i'm gonna be honest and hope for the best, life ultimantley sucks,(sorry) some moments suck more than others and some just suck the life out of you, but in a way you just got to get through, and you can't depend on anyone for your happiness because people will always disappoint you, ALWAYS! Thats just how they are, they dont know and they're selfish and shortsighted but it also doesnt mean they don't care about you. Your mom does care, she asked, and she loved you enough to bealive your weak lies; because it would hurt her too much to know otherwise, also cutting is bad, its not healtly blahblahblah jk it is bad but also because anything you do to deal with stress instead of facing your problems and making them better is bad, also because people never get it and its dangerous lol im a hypocrite but again it doesnt matter. My dad told me that only selfish people are depressed and he's kinda right when your life becomes unbearable in one of those soul sucking moments took into helping other people, or religion or walking your dog or something to keep you grounded something that isnt involved with your mind doing mental flips off a cliff. Do something that gives your life meaning something thats bigger than you and dont let crushes get you down because guessing from life experiences your young and young people suck at love.
Oh I forgot to put in that just because your depressed doesn't make you selfish but that it just distracts from being completley selfless and that when your going through your own pain your not focusing on others. I always considered this a very monk philosophy and I brought it into the question because I think that if you are depressed and nothing else helps then tuning yourself out and living soley to help others might make you feel better and also dont expect to find someone now either because people need to first mature and grow up, so I wouldn't worry about it cause you have plenty of time, and also i'm sorry that your crush ripped your heart up-young people really do suck lol I might of been feeling slightly jaded the other day....
I don't know if i will be of great help but i will try SO i think you should first of all stop thinking you are are waste of space or some sort of garbage that isn't true even if some one told you that , in reality every one decides to be what he/she wants to be , if some people tell it to you get over it ,stop wasting your time thinking about it, it's just life. Some obstacles are on the way and it is to you with all your strength to get over it. Secondly to help you over come the i'm alone thing , you should practice a collective sport. these stuff make people rely on you and it makes you to want to give the best shot. If it is a matter of your school, find a place where people do not know you and practice there, you will make lots of friends. You can also find some one to love but don't rush everything will come at required time. Thirdly i don't appreciate being wounded , just having a scar on my skin annoys me lots. That is why i don't understand why you wound yourself. Think of your body as a temple, you won't want to destroy your temple. Finally, with all that said i think if you follow it and even develop my ideas more you will get fine and over this stuff. Good Luck and i hope you get well!!!