All I want to do is relapse.


I started doing meth in late June/early July 2013. I was using very, very heavily until like November. I used again in December and now the new year is here and I’ve been clean for the whole thing. But lately all I want to do is relapse. I didn’t even want to get clean in the first place. I got in trouble with the law. That’s the only reason I ever stopped. My addiction was bad. I was only using for a few months but I literally went crazy. I would stay up for days on end. No food, no sleep, no one to talk to. I would sit alone in my bedroom smoking meth, smoking cigarettes, smoking weed, and drinking sometimes. I pretty much lived in my room, and I’m not exaggerating. I came out only for the bathroom, water, cigarettes or drugs, and school. Every day after being tormented by the kids at my school getting called a tweaker, methhead, psycho, whore, you name it; I would go home and go straight to my room. The only people I spoke to regularly were my mom, my best friend, and the boy (who happened to be my friends ex, not the one I just mentioned) I lost my virginity to in a public bathroom. The boy used me and made me miserable more than he ever helped me, but I lost my virginity to him thanks to Jager, Mickeys, Vodka, and Bombay. And I was attached. Too attached to realize he was a negative presence in my already broken situation. So I would stay up for days and days on school nights or whatever. I really didn’t give a fuck. I was like the human definition of a lost cause. I went to school high every day, I would come home and get high and just do drugs all day every day. It was what my life revolved around. Finally, it’s now the new year and I’m clean. But if I could, I would relapse right here and now. Because I got raped recently and I told a close friend who decided to tell my ex-friend who’s ex boyfriend I lost my virginity to. What else did she do but tell him, right? He goes to my school and he decided to tell everybody. I’ve been a disgrace ever since then and it doesn’t look like anything is getting any better. I can’t even see my mom anymore unless someone in our family dies and we have a funeral to go to. I’ve seen her 2 times since the middle of November. Once for my stepfather’s (who was more of a dad than my real one to me) funeral. And once for my great grandfathers funeral. On top of that another male figure in our lives passed away in the past year. Too many people are being taken away, too many people don’t have compassion, and it’s too much. On top of that, all I want back is the drug that basically destroyed me. I don’t care about anything, and I don’t wish that I did either. If anybody could teach you about not giving a fuck, it would be me.

Category: Tags: asked January 23, 2014

2 Answers

Well i get it, ive struggled with addiction a long time and i know its a haaard battle to beat but you can do it !
Honestly, i went through over 3 years of RESIDENTIAL therapy programs. treatment centers, rehabs, wilderness programs, and ive been in therapy since before i could even talk. (sandtray therapy ha.) So ive been in the right situation to get help my whole life, but i never was willing to fully receive it. i wanted (Sometimes) to recover, but to fully recover you must fully commit.
I would look at anasazi foundation. It was the only thing that helped me through everything, it is literally the best option. it is a therapy program that will catch you by surprise with their every move (in a good way) and it (Somehow) helped me to finally realize my true self and to recover.
also, id say use distractions, go on a hike or a run, play music, write, take a bath, light a candle, read a book, smoke some pot (it can be very opening and awakening), do art, read, meditate, listen to music, volunteer somewhere, talk to a friend, spend time with a fun sibling, take a shower, etc! there are many ways to change your thought process. be committed to happiness and it will come to you!
ok frist let me say ive been where u r ive been raped and much2 suffer from addiction now that ive said that let me say this YOU NEVER HAVE TO FEEL THE is done WAY YOU FEEL AGAIN that i promise you but the best thing you can do for your self is go to a na meeting raise your hand and share with them what you shared here ask for a phone list with names and numbers of women call them women anytime you want to use also i can not stress this enough what ever you do dont use i know thats a lot easyer said then it do it on a day to day thing when u wake up say to your self if i want to use 2mrrow i can but today im not and then the next day do the same thing also try to make 90 meetings in 90 days if you dont feel any better after that u can always go back but im goona send u a message on here i really dont know what else to say besides stuff i dont want to share with the world be safe kee ur head up u can get throw this one thing i leanred throw out my life is it always works out it may suck right now but it will work out