I have a lot to talk about here, so please bear with me….for those whoa rent familiar please read my profile, it will save me a lot of time and will be able to bring you up to speed with the tragedy’s that have befallen me over the past decade. I have posted a few questions over the past 2 months and have been getting deeper into depression. Me and mom who I take care of are gonna be forced on the streets on January 3rd cause the motel we are in cant be paid for cause my moms boyfriend has been committed by the Veterans Administration. She is disabled and cant walk well. I am a type I diabetic and have had many complications over the past 5 years. I lost all my toes on my right foot and broke my right hip in jail in 2012. I had all my teeth extracted earlier this year due to an infection, so my elf esteem and self image is damaged even worse. I used to beat myself up when I was healthy and good looking, and now I feel so broken that i hi my face and don’t talk ever. We lost our house in Hurricane Irene 2 years ago and have been homeless ever since. I lost my girlfriend in 2007 after I was diagnosed with Diabetes and went into the world of Heroin and Cocaine to cope, disregarding my illness cause I really honestly wanted to die. I’ve always had an inferiority complex and always was selfless, wanting to make people happy around me….it is a way to validate my worth, by making friends and strangers alike happy. When I got lost in my depression, i gave up on life. I’m so lost right now writing this. I found out today that the only other gurl in my life Amanda, has cut her ties to me at her boyfriends request and the only inkling of happiness and hope I had was attached to the idea that we could be friends again once I got my life back together. Its really hard cause I me and my mom lost all of our family, we are all we have. I lost the ability to work as an asphalt paver and have been trying to get disability for 3 years now to no avail. I have no income and cause of my hypotensive condition and low blood pressure issues, its hard for me to stand for long periods. Basically its near impossible to find work, and since I am a convicted felon in the state and governments eyes, I am a pariah, which makes it even harder to get work. I feel like I’ve lost at Life, cause at 29 I have no family, no friends anymore, no support, no teeth, cant smile, no income, and cant work any normal job. I also was diagnosed with ED this year, which really broke my spirits hard cause all I ever wanted was a girlfriend again. I’ve only had 2 girlfriends in all honesty, but was a very active lover in my younger years but always for the wrong reasons. I’ve never been #1 to a girl other than Rhiannon and Amanda, and now they are both gone from my life also. Cause of my physical appearance and the fact that i am homeless, sick, unemployed, toothless, friendless, family-less, I feel so undesirable and barely try talking to women anymore. Its useless cause I haven’t even had a girl wanna give me their number in years, and i used to have no problem meeting girls, despite my shyness and feelings of no self worth. I used to have support, family, and reason to be hopeful for a decent life, but now I feel like at 29, I have no hope to ever get the basic god given satisfaction that so many of you people take for granted. I love women and appreciate beauty so much that I cry almost every night from a heart so broken, its unlikely to ever be whole again. The diagnosis of Ed comes with the possibility that I may be one of the rare cases where Viagra and other medications don’t work, so its very likely that at 29, I will never be able to have sex, make love, or have children, which only makes me more undesirable to girls. I cant eat what i want cause of the diabetes, I have no privacy or place of my own, my mother is sick, and so am I. I am running out of hope and faith that things will get better, and if I do get that worst case scenario about the ED, then I think I really will become suicidal again. The thought of being in love and finding a women I like who likes me has been whats kept me clean, and motivated to push through all this bullshit I’ve had thrown at me, and losing that goal altogether is a back breaker. I’ve so stressed about what to do with my mother that i don’t sleep at night and the closer it gets to January the more the stress builds. I feel like the best years of my youth are going by and Ill never be able to have any form of a normal life like the people I know and knew. All I want is someone I can be honest with and who will accept me for me, but every single girl I talk to in the past 3 years doesn’t wanna be close to me and just “friends” me and i know exactly why. Everything going on with me makes me so undesirable to a women. I’m so lost and don’t need to hear that “Everything is gonna be ok” or “don’t give up, you’ll find her” cause it just isn’t true. No girl in the world wants a guy with all my problems. Maybe if I was homeless, but healthy, or has my aesthetic problems but still had a house or job, it wouldn’t be so bad, but all these things have happened together and i don’t even ever get the chance to show the real me and how much of a respectful, fun, sweet guy that i was raised to be. I have absolutely no one to talk to about my issues and the therapist the state gave me didn’t even understand the concept of complex personality disorders (go figure!) and I keep everything inside cause I don’t wanna come across as a crybaby and know that women think a guy who has issues like mine are weak and less attractive, but at this point I’ve given up on my biggest dream and aspiration, which is to have a girl who i love and loves me back. I see it everywhere everyday, young girls and guys together in love and it makes me cry everyday, cause that dream might as well be on the moon to me. I could never kill myself as long as my mother is alive cause she has no one and we are all each other has. Its pathetic though, I cant go to clubs or party, or even go out on weekends, cause I can’t walk far, and have almost no money, and the stuff i do to make my money is probably gonna land me back in jail eventually, but I get no help or support until i get disability. I feel like I have no options and all i really really want is a girl who i can talk to and be friends with. Its been so long since I’ve had a friend that’s a girl, never mind a girlfriend. I feel like I’m gonna have a nervous breakdown, and the uncertainty of my ED issue has got me stressed out every time I look at a pretty girls direction, cause that’s gonna be a game ender if it turns out that at 29, I’m really gonna be incapable of ever physically loving a women, and I have no much love to give, and affection, and compassion, and protection, ect I’m almost at the point of begging someone to help me, cause i can’t pretend to be cool and confident cause there is just so much I can’t hide. I can’t smile without my teeth looking fake. Deep down inside i know without any doubt that I’m the very best for any girl cause I actually have the real right qualities that any girl would die to have ina guy. I’m articulate, a poet, a writer, an intellectual ( I.Q.137) and love to just make girls laugh and smile more than anything. i miss those nights falling asleep on the phone with a girl, getting to know one another and I fear its never gonna happen, and thats ok, but not at 29….I got clean 42 months agio and have been clean and sober since, and its like things have gotten ten times worse, like maybe I should of just continued like i had planned and just died cause then i would of saved myself a lot of needles suffering. I’m sick and tired of not having anyone to talk to and I know that there isn’t a single girl who will read this nd wanna actually talk to me or would look at me in a desirable light, but I am actually a very very attractive kid if you don’t consider the fake teeth, and diabetic complications. I feel like I’m begging for some hope or something to help me in my darkest hour, cause last night I found out that Amanda wont talk to me anymore cause her boyfriend forbids it for some reason (probably insecurity). All I wanna do is stick up for the unfairly treated and make people happy cause I know how it feels to have nothing and lose everything If anyone out there actually has read all of this, then i commend you and thank you. I’m sorry for sounding like a whiner, but i can’t pretend to be O.K. any more, I just can’t do it. The only friend I have anymore is my music and my writing, and I wish i had someone to share it all with.
On top of everything I’ve been through, my ex and love of my life Rhiannon died in 2007, and I lost my former best friend from an overdose last month, and on that same weekend another good friend I had killed himself. All I know is that once my mother does die, there will absolutely no reason for me to go on…..I mean in my position: no family, no money, no home, no way to earn money, bad health, no chance for a girl, no help or support……what would you do?
Well I guess my question in conclusion is…..is there anyone out there who would be willing to talk to me and actually give me a chance to show that I am not the person everyone around here thinks I am….. I’m so lonely that no words can effectively describe how i feel inside every waking moment. I really need a friend, maybe someone who is as lonely as me…..
Sincerely, James Oliver
and PS if anyone was to actually wanna talk to me or be my friend, please be real…..I am extremely honest and loyal and honesty is paramount above all else to me in this world. Its what my friend Karissa says is why girls don’t like me, cause I’m too honest (don’t sound right!) and that I need to be less of a nice guy and more “what girls want” but all i know is who I am and I can’t be anything but myself. I love the person i am and who i developed to be, i just wish someone else would give me a chance to show them who I really can be…..
and one more thing…..I know I sound like a charity case who just feels bad for himself and that is the reason I never ever share these things, but I do feel like I’ve had some things happen that were out of my control. None the less, I love myself and think i am the definition of what a man is and should be. I think I’m smart, articulate, assertive, and brave, but all that means nothing if you don’t have at least someone who agrees and supports that fact. I feel so depressed and hopeless cause no one seems to feel the same way which makes me doubt myself. All I’ve ever wanted was someone who would like me and be interested in me and make me feel like I am worth it, cause without that, i’m just alone in this world and invisible and insignificant to anything ……