I was once a regular happy guy.
I fell in love with a not-so-happy girl.
I opened my heart to her, and I am proud of it.
Sometimes, when you do, you let the wrong people in.
Sometimes, when you feel for people and you want to do good for them, they use you to climb up, pushing you under.
I let her into my heart. But she took control of it. Manipulated me to isolate myself from friends. To stop doing what I enjoyed, and most importantly, to forget who I am.
It started slowly, and you don’t notice it. It starts from little things, like losing her temper because I didn’t wash the dishes “good enough” or because the furniture wasn’t in the “right place”.
It went on to criticize the way I dressed, who I see or what I enjoyed doing.
When you think about it later, you see how ridiculous it is, but when you’re inside, when your heart is open, when you want to believe, it doesn’t.
Then, the abusive language happens. It starts with a mistake she won’t do again, but it continues with “you deserved it at the time” and “I never called you names” and the regular “you’re too sensitive, be a man”
before you know it, it’s normal to get yelled at on a regular basis, whatever the reason is. You forget what it was like before, you accept it.
You might think it never register, but when you live on an emotional roller coaster that runs every night, you stop eating well, you don’t sleep well, you’re busy thinking how to deal with it and you believe she’s right.
I lost my job, lost my confidence, I really forgot what I was like before.
It has taken me a long time to figure out what was going on. Days and nights of feeling sad, under a blanket, not wanting to wake up. Days of searching for similar experiences on the internet. Days of believing I was making mistakes, and that there is a way to help her relax. Days of arguing with her, only to hear that she never makes mistakes and the reason for this behavior is only me.
Days when I’ve been yelled at for the most random things, like what I was wearing, where the plastic bags are, or things that never actually happened.
Days when I’ve been abused and yelled at, just because I felt sad.
Days, when you feel, or sometimes realize, that many people don’t care, or don’t want to see what’s going on, especially because you’re a man.
Days, when you realize you lost trust in normal, nice people.
Your heart, it’s like a china store. You sometimes need to consider who you let in. The wrong person will not be careful and break stuff.
But eventually, I found out, that there’s others who went through the same experience. And they’re all, really really good people.
I found out that there’s others, that do care, and now, I’ve realized what’s going on, and that I don’t, and nobody deserves such treatment. A man, a woman, not even a aminal.
Even though I know it might take a long time for me to learn how to trust and maybe find the right person, and most importantly, find happiness again, my own happiness, regardless of other people, I still believe in love, kindness and just good people in general.
I am starting a campaign relationship I am in.
This is the link : http://www.gofundme.com/nfnth4
If you’re suffering from the same abuse, please follow your guts and get help. Don’t hesitate to write to me. I hope this gives at least one person in the world the courage to get out.
Thank you.
