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    Spectrolite7 posted an update 3 years, 3 months ago

    I’m tired of everything. I feel almost like I can’t even sleep at the moment. My mind feels like it’s going on 1 million thoughts per second… I feel like I can’t genuinely connect with people anymore… because I’ve experienced a lot so I kind of don’t feel like anything is interesting anymore and anything I do find interesting seems like it takes money to do. Maybe I should go out for a walk even though it’s 11pm at night. I feel like I’m stuck doing the same thing over and over and cant feel present enough in the moment even if I take part in events and show up to life the best way I can, I still feel like something is missing and I don’t feel completely just fine or relaxed… I think it’s because I would like someone to help me feel good and be there for me and treat me right but people kind of disappointed me… and did things I didn’t like. So I don’t really feel like I’m completely happy. Ever since I heard twice from different women that the older a women gets the less fertile the get, it just kind of scares me because I’m still working on being my authentic self more and being real around everyone I come across, so I kind of feel if I were to be real around my potential partner, he would have to accept me 1000% and love me for me, everything about me and treat me with respect and how I would like to be treated and the thing is, I have dated and realized that there is certain things I don’t like… I’m asexual but I would like children. So the guy has to be kind of not desperate for sex all the time. He has to be able to like me more for who I am more than just because I’m female and he can have sex with me because I don’t like to have sex or to be touched a certain way… he has to be able to respect that and help me to feel safe and join me in my life and be there for me and with me enjoying different activities and places… i feel kind of that’s very important to me… if I don’t have that, I feel like my life isn’t worth living anymore because then what’s the purpose of life if you can’t have children or can live authentically? At that point it’s like you’re just living for just seeing things or experiencing the world and people… but then you won’t have your own family… you’ll just be dealing with the same people around you over and over, almost like living the same day over and over. But I don’t know, it depends what makes one happy… I just feel like having a family and my own children… if I get told, oh, if you get older and don’t have children, you can become infertile… that makes me think like I failed in life and then my life isn’t worth living anymore because I’m too late. It makes it feel like nothing even matters… don’t I make money and care about financial stability so that I can care for myself and care for my family? Don’t I do everything so that I can be there for people I love? If I can’t live my life the right way that I would like to live it then, it’s not worth living at a certain point I feel because then it just feels more like a burden and more like I’m just living to keep myself alive. Just the spark of life doesn’t even feel like it’s there… I feel like in life we have to make our own way and make it as fast as possible because it feels like we don’t actually have much time… and if you’re in your 20s those are the years that really matter the most, once you enter your 30s, you start to feel how short life really is. I feel almost life the government can be neglectful toward people with mental illness because this should be something that is helped a certain way by providing shelter for people that feel unsafe in their environment… so that they can heal and live their life authentically more earlier instead of putting them through the hell of going to therapy and taking medications for a long period of time when really the environment is very important… if you don’t have a good environment, you’ll feel unsafe at home and at work… and that’s how people feel cornered and then choose to end it. So if the government was more helpful and supportive of people that are not in good environments and take that seriously enough to help people so that they can focus on their life in a better more healthier way more sooner, people wouldn’t be walking around with the trauma of even going through the system of trying to receive help and then finding themselves being near infertility with nothing to show for themselves… almost as if they haven’t lived or did anything even though they did their best to facilitate a better environment for themselves to heal and grow and nurture their talents. Maybe I’m perfect the way I am but at this moment, I just feel like I’m still a child inside and if I have children still being a child myself, i feel like I’m putting extra stress on myself… I don’t know how it’ll go but it’s probably simple but the problem is, then I’ll have to take care of more than my own life… i know that being true to myself involves expressing my emotions and not holding anything back from being expressed but I know at the same time it feels like a ton a weight in my shoulders when I have to do that. I know I just have to say it like it is and not spare anyone the cold hard truth about how I see them and what they are doing that feels bad to me… I just feel like I’m so concerned with not saying something and then getting backlash for it and then getting treated worse because of it or even being left and dropped as a friend for it.. because then it’s like I’m living and can’t even really connect because when I say the truth, I’m hated and then unfriended… I would like to say the truth and not be scared. I would like to just be my real self and say what’s in my mind and heart about what ever happens so that I can live and be happy because things getting better instead of worse. I hope that things turn out fine in my life.. instead of the worst that can happen.

    • Please don’t give up @spectrolite7, you will find ways to connect with people and you will find true happiness and love in your life, one day you will meet your soulmate, your knight in shining armour, I know how you feel, I’m shy and it takes me a long time to feel a connection with others too, remember to always be kind to yourself and be as optimistic as you can, go out into the world and spread your wings, you will meet compassionate people who will love you for who you are, remember to hold your head up high, stay positive and know your future will be so bright, you will find what is missing in your life, remember to always believe in yourself and know you will do amazing things that you will be so proud of, everything will be OK, you can do it, inbox me anytime if you want to chat or vent, stay strong, you are never alone :) (hugs)