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    jporwave posted an update 1 month ago

    funny how 8 or so years back i was doing it just because thats what all the emo kids were supposed to do, grew out of it really quick because i just hate pain n i didnt want to have to explain it if i got caught

    guess i picked the habit up again just because its what i did last time i felt this depressed and hopeless

    but

    it actually makes me feel a little better now… hard to explain but
    cant really vent to anyone rn so all those thoughts and feelings and guilts just fester in my mind
    but when i do this its like im physically letting those thoughts and feelings leak out, like cutting a small hole in a balloon so it can deflate or something
    and the pain it causes almost feels like what i deserve
    feels like hurting myself is the only way to make up for the countless ways i hurt the people i love even when i dont mean to, even when i promised i never would

    at least i can feel like im finally making up for it bit by bit
    even if it isnt healthy, even if it hurts
    i keep telling myself its what i deserve and the pain feels a little less awful
    it only scratches the surface of what a piece of shit like me truly deserves, but im still too scared to go further

    glad i dont have to hide it from anyone, nobody really left to ask about it or freak out and send me to a hospital over it, always part of why i was so scared to speak up about my thoughts before

    • Oli replied 1 month ago

      Please don’t harm yourself @shadrakor, you are such a fantastic, brilliant and amazing person who deserves to feel happy, positive and upbeat, we have all done bad or things we regret in life, don’t let the guilt haunt you, try to seek forgiveness and redemption where you can because you are truly a good human-being, remember to focus on making yourself smile and be optimistic, so much brightness and hope will come into your life, always believe in and be kind to yourself, do get your thoughts, feelings and emotions out in a way that is beneficial for you, don’t ever hesitate to unburden yourself when you need too, keep going forward and never give up, you can do it, feel free to inbox me anytime if you want to chat or vent, stay strong, you are never alone :) (hugs)