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    jporwave posted an update 1 month ago

    everything just fucking gets worse it never gets better

    finally came back and talked in my friends group chat- first thing i see when i log back in is my ’best friend’ accuse me of ignoring him… even though he knows he could dm me literally anywhere and i would reply, no matter how depressed or anti social im feeling ive been ignored way too much to just flat out ignore a message from somebody i know
    dont really have the energy to be nice, told him i didnt have the energy to make sure he doesnt think im ignoring him when i dont even have the energy to take care of myself and he replied ’youre not the only one going through shit’
    the shit hes talking about is stress from school and work but hes never spent a second of his life depressed he has no fucking clue how i feel constantly and it irritates me to no end that this is the warm fucking welcome i get after nearly a MONTH of being too upset to be social

    was at least talking to my bf, but i guess hes ignoring me now but idk why
    guess its the same as always- meet someone knew and they cheer me up a lot enough to distract me from the depression, but then it comes back in full force and it makes them hate me
    had a friend i vented to on twitter too but feels like she doesnt really care, sent her a message apologizing for how dismissive and rude ive been and saying i appreciate having her as a friend and she reacted with a heart emoji and thats it idk
    maybe im overthinking it but it just hurts that i pour my heart out for someone n all thats worth to them is an emoji : /

    the household has been out of food for two days now too, been eating pb&j’s made from tortillas because thats all i have left, and my sister and her bf are still ordering themselves food while i fucking starve
    ive spent at least $1000 in food stamps buying this house groceries, from my own benefits intended for ME only, and they still let me starve
    i dont have a car i dont have foodstamps anymore i dont have any money at all i cant solve this problem no matter how much i wish i could and i keep having anxiety attacks whenever my stomach starts to hurt because i have problems with my galbladder so even getting just a bit hungry makes it feel like im getting stabbed in the stomach

    make matters worse
    i relapsed the other day, had to turn up the AC so i could wear my hoodie and cover my arm…
    havent done that since middle school i think
    that was the first time i had those dark thoughts too but i ended up dating my best friend Stephanie shortly after and the hope she gave me literally lasted until idk a few years ago, until i had a falling out with another best friend and lost an entire community of people i loved
    my ex gave me so much hope too but now shes all i think about and all this shit ive been feeling just makes me feel so fucking guilty because now i know how she was feeling when we were together- zero energy to be social, constantly annoyed by people, fighting desperately just to stay alive and there i was pushing her further over the edge
    all the hope she gave me is gone now too, all the hope my bf gave me is gone

    i really feel like i have nothing but pain and loneliness and its all ramping up even further to the point where its going to hurt more than the idea of dying alone scares me

    nobody really cares about me enough to check in or anything and
    reality is
    if i did end up killing myself, it would probably be months before they found my body
    it would take until the smell was so bad my sisters bf decided to look in
    thats the honest to fucking goodness truth of the situation and it makes me feel even damn worse

    everything is getting worse it only gets worse

    Mood : Tired
    • Oli replied 1 month ago

      Please don’t feel sad, tired and depressed @shadrakor, you are such a wonderful, awesome and lovely person who deserves happiness and positivity in your life, your boyfriend and friend group chat really should be there for you because we all need compassionate people in our lives, you do too, don’t let dark thoughts break you down, try to stay upbeat and focus on making yourself feel incredible, please eat and look after yourself, I want to see you healthy and happy with a great smile on your face, everything will be OK, you are a survivor who never gives up, always believe in yourself and keep going forward with optimism, you can do it, feel free to inbox me anytime if you want to chat or vent, stay strong, you are never alone :) (hugs)