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    jporwave posted an update 5 days, 14 hours ago

    think this is finally it
    things arent improving…
    found an amazing guy, hes super sweet and kind, but my thoughts just… focus on her still
    either hate her or love her but still its her and idk why

    feel so much guilt over everything that happened and all those negative feelings just dont go away
    theyre all i feel anymore
    either empty or heartbroken, nothing else 99.99% of the time

    i cant stand it

    had these dark thoughts so often lately, never talk to anyone about it because im so scared but at this point i dont really see a point in keeping it to myself… havent been taking care of myself, starting to do what i did before and just let myself rot until i dont wake up i guess
    im just so tired of trying and failing over and over and over again
    i lost every ounce of progress i thought i made last year
    i lost that sweet guy i thought i was becoming
    instead all i see when i look in my mirror is someone even my dad would be ashamed of ha ha

    havent been talking to anyone again
    just ignoring the messages i get
    cant find the effort in me to pretend any more

    Mood : Numb
    • i sent a message on her old curious cat account… know she wont ever see it but, i just needed to apologize
      just even acknowledge i know how much i fucked it all up
      all this pain i feel constantly and this emptiness should be karma enough but
      its not
      leaving early is the only way i can make up for it all
      not to her- to myself
      to *him*
      to everyone i ever hurt by loving them way too much

      im just
      i cant stand existing with myself ha ha

    • Please don’t let the past and bad memories get you down @shadrakor, try to stay focused on making yourself feel happy, do learn from your past and try to learn lessons from it, hopefully she will get back to you and everything will be OK, focus on your current relationship with the guy you mentioned and make things stronger between the two of you, remember to always be kind to yourself and know you can better yourself going forward, things will work out for you, be kind to yourself and never give up, you can do it, feel free to inbox me anytime if you want to chat or vent, stay strong, you are never alone :) (hugs)

    • she is *never* going to be in my life again, not even momentarily, she blocked me and immediately found another guy to replace me with
      and that account I mentioned was insanely old, she’s never seeing that message

      it was more of a suicide note than a message anyway… I really sometimes feel like killing myself is the only way to atone for all the mistakes Ive made, saying sorry and trying harder just doesnt work, I always fail
      but fear is the only reason I havent yet, pain terrifies me, loneliness terrifies me and I know if there isnt anything after life I wont exist to feel alone if Im dead anyway, but deep down I have this fear that if you *dont* stop existing, what if all you feel *is* the pain and loneliness? what if I made another mistake like I always did and instead of an escape I ruin myself even more and life just gets even harder?
      even if I think about it constantly I dont think that fear of the unknown would ever let me off myself ha ha