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    jporwave posted an update 3 weeks ago

    was finally starting to feel something again
    made a new friend
    opened up a bit to some people, too much to someone that didnt know wtf they were talking about but whatever
    was feeling like i could be confident again

    and then just three hours after our visit, my grandma passed

    back to not feeling much of anything
    feel so alone rn
    just want…[Read more]

    • I’m so sorry for your loss @shadrakor, do remember all the happy times you had with your grandmother, everything will be OK, you will make it through this, it’s great that you made a new friend because we all deserve compassionate people in our lives, you do too, be strong and keep going forward as best you can, feel free to inbox me anytime if…[Read more]

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    jporwave posted an update 1 month, 1 week ago

    funny how 8 or so years back i was doing it just because thats what all the emo kids were supposed to do, grew out of it really quick because i just hate pain n i didnt want to have to explain it if i got caught

    guess i picked the habit up again just because its what i did last time i felt this depressed and hopeless

    but

    it actually makes me…[Read more]

    • Please don’t harm yourself @shadrakor, you are such a fantastic, brilliant and amazing person who deserves to feel happy, positive and upbeat, we have all done bad or things we regret in life, don’t let the guilt haunt you, try to seek forgiveness and redemption where you can because you are truly a good human-being, remember to focus on making…[Read more]

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    jporwave posted a new activity comment 1 month, 1 week ago

    In reply to: Oli posted an update Life is so lonely, depressing and sad, I don’t know why I bother or try because in the end, absolutely NOTHING ever works out for me, I’m not a positive person at all, I’m hopeless and lost […] View

    same
    at least you still try to cheer people up
    better than closing yourself down and turning into an asshole like me, least you still have something to give even if your brain cant see it that way

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    jporwave posted an update 1 month, 1 week ago

    everything just fucking gets worse it never gets better

    finally came back and talked in my friends group chat- first thing i see when i log back in is my ‘best friend’ accuse me of ignoring him… even though he knows he could dm me literally anywhere and i would reply, no matter how depressed or anti social im feeling ive been ignored way too…[Read more]

    Mood : Tired
    • Please don’t feel sad, tired and depressed @shadrakor, you are such a wonderful, awesome and lovely person who deserves happiness and positivity in your life, your boyfriend and friend group chat really should be there for you because we all need compassionate people in our lives, you do too, don’t let dark thoughts break you down, try to stay…[Read more]

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    jporwave posted an update 1 month, 2 weeks ago

    found out today how bad my social anxiety has gotten again, had a conversation on twitter and it felt so awkward and stale and i had a breakdown about it- well im still having a breakdown about it but whatever

    barely even noticed it, since like august ive felt a lot more outgoing and confident, and it helped having a small circle of people i was…[Read more]

    Mood : Anxious
    • Please be kind to yourself @shadrakor, I know how you feel, I’m a shy person and find it difficult to approach, talk to and socialise with others, take time to build up your confidence and self esteem and know you will be able to have great friendships and relationships in your life, keep talking with your boyfriend and try reaching out to your…[Read more]

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    jporwave posted an update 1 month, 2 weeks ago

    i miss having friends
    been so hard to be okay again
    glad my bf spoke up about something bothering him but whyd it have to *that*???
    ex told me i was ’too nice’ guess she was right

    bleh

    why do i have to think about all the things she said about me when im at my lowest, every fucking time

    • Everyone deserves good friends in their lives @shadrakor, you do too, please don’t let what your ex told you upset you, being a nice person truly shows how kind and sweet you are, it makes you a wonderful person, remember to always be awesome to yourself because you do matter and you are worth it, smile, hold your head up high and keep going…[Read more]

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    jporwave posted an update 1 month, 2 weeks ago

    been hard to feel okay again

    started thinking about the friend i had three years ago, she was a streamer on twitch and basically the first time id had a real interaction with a streamer, so i just ended up sticking around and we became friends
    best friends even
    i was her only moderator for a whole year and went out of my way to try to be a good…[Read more]

    Mood : Lonely
    • Please don’t feel lonely @shadrakor, I know how you feel, I have had friendships in my life that have come and gone, you are a good person who deserves to have compassionate people around you who will stick by you through all the ups and downs, the bad and good times of any relationship, please don’t let hurtful memories of your past break you,…[Read more]

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    jporwave posted an update 1 month, 2 weeks ago

    history repeats itself, it really does

    i remember what my ex said.. she told me to stop complimenting her and saying i loved her all the time because it ‘cheapened’ the phrase
    i meant it the same amount every time i said it but i guess she didnt feel that way

    my bf just asked me to stop complimenting him too…

    when i love someone i cant help…[Read more]

    Mood : Blah
    • There is absolutely nothing wrong with being an affectionate and loving person @shadrakor, your boyfriend and ex-girlfriend should both realize how lucky they are and were to have someone as sweet and kind as you in their lives, please don’t hate yourself, always be the wonderful and compassionate person that you are, keep spreading love and care…[Read more]

    • Listen hun, different people have their own love languages. It is possible these two people you were with are too insecure or just didn’t click with your form of affection. It’s fine. It has happened with me, where I was on both ends! This is not the end and someone someday will really appreciate and reciprocate the feelings and actions you take in love.

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    jporwave posted an update 1 month, 2 weeks ago

    Ive been doing a lot better lately, changed up my twitter profile and made it look pretty good imo- still MIA from my friends but thats okay, I cant really afford to give any attention to people that dont even notice when I havent been around for over a week
    Im not really blaming them, theyre both busy with work and one has school too, Im just…[Read more]

    Mood : Hopeful
    • It’s great to see you feeling hopeful @shadrakor, stay positive because you are awesome, it’s wonderful to see that you are surrounded by compassion and love, keep smiling and remember to always make each day as fantastic as you can, keep going forward with optimism and never give up, you can do it, feel free to inbox me anytime if you want to…[Read more]

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    jporwave posted a new activity comment 1 month, 2 weeks ago

    In reply to: jporwave posted an update was finally starting to do good again, had a thought the other day that even if I was thinking about the past it didnt hurt as much as it did before… but something happened that reminded […] View

    there just isnt many things that *do* bring me hope, happiness, or positivity
    or compassion and love…

    I get it all from the same single source and last time I did that she hated me for it lol

    Im just fighting as hard as I can not to hurt him the same way, hes the only one that makes me feel better

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    jporwave posted an update 1 month, 2 weeks ago

    was finally starting to do good again, had a thought the other day that even if I was thinking about the past it didnt hurt as much as it did before… but something happened that reminded me not just of her, but of all the other people I lost too

    god i feel so alone again

    Mood : Depressed
    • Please don’t let hurtful memories get you down @shadrakor, try to focus on all the things that bring you hope, happiness and positivity, surround yourself with compassion and love, remember so many people care about you and appreciate you, everything will be OK, you are amongst friends in this community, your future will be so awesome and…[Read more]

    • there just isnt many things that *do* bring me hope, happiness, or positivity
      or compassion and love…

      I get it all from the same single source and last time I did that she hated me for it lol

      Im just fighting as hard as I can not to hurt him the same way, hes the only one that makes me feel better

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    jporwave and Profile picture of OliOli are now friends 1 month, 2 weeks ago

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    jporwave posted an update 1 month, 2 weeks ago

    even though every bit of my wants to open the flood gates and get all these thoughts off my head, Im not even sure how Id begin… I lose my train of thought the second I have to focus on it, same problem I had in therapy where I get there and the second I sit down in that char I cant remember any of the thoughts Id had all week
    my brain works so…[Read more]

    Mood : Blah
    • Do find good ways to get your thoughts, feelings and emotions out @shadrakor, remember we are all here to support and help you, do take time to process and work on how you are feeling so you can better understand yourself, always know that the BT community will always be here for you, everything will be OK and things will work out for you, feel…[Read more]

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    jporwave posted an update 1 month, 2 weeks ago

    Im doing a bit better, my bf and I had a bit of a falling out for a second and he asked me if Id given up on us… I guess that shook me out of it and made me realize how much I didnt want to lose him, hes the only reason I feel better at all

    but my friends still havent said anything, Ive been gone almost a week… they just continue on
    my family…[Read more]

    Mood : Blah
    • It’s good to see that you are feeling better @shadrakor, hope the relationship with your boyfriend keeps going strong, always be there for each other and make sure to communicate openly and honestly when you have any issues, I’m so sorry that your friends and family haven’t checked in on you, they really should treat you with love, care and…[Read more]

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    jporwave posted a new activity comment 1 month, 2 weeks ago

    In reply to: jporwave posted an update still here not even sure ill ever have the guts to try…was gonna try to just starve myself ha ha but didnt even make the full 24 hours before it hurt too much maybe being stuck in this […] View

    I appreciate that, both of you, but I know I probably wont take advantage of the offers

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    jporwave posted a new activity comment 1 month, 2 weeks ago

    In reply to: jporwave posted an update still here not even sure ill ever have the guts to try…was gonna try to just starve myself ha ha but didnt even make the full 24 hours before it hurt too much maybe being stuck in this […] View

    you dont know anything about me really… if Im so amazing why do I lose everyone I care about? they dont just magically make the choice, and its happened too much for it to just be some freak accident- I *push* them away because Im not a good person

    Im nice at best but even an asshole can be nice if it gets him what he wants

    Ive never…[Read more]

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    jporwave posted a new activity comment 1 month, 2 weeks ago

    In reply to: jporwave posted an update think this is finally it things arent improving… found an amazing guy, hes super sweet and kind, but my thoughts just… focus on her still either hate her or love her but still its her […] View

    she is *never* going to be in my life again, not even momentarily, she blocked me and immediately found another guy to replace me with
    and that account I mentioned was insanely old, she’s never seeing that message

    it was more of a suicide note than a message anyway… I really sometimes feel like killing myself is the only way to atone for…[Read more]

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    jporwave posted an update 1 month, 2 weeks ago

    still here
    not even sure ill ever have the guts to try…

    was gonna try to just starve myself ha ha but didnt even make the full 24 hours before it hurt too much
    maybe being stuck in this miserable limbo is my karma

    Mood : Afraid
    • Please don’t be afraid @shadrakor, you are such a wonderful, awesome and fantastic person who deserves to be here, please eat and take care of yourself, stay positive and be healthy, I want to see you doing well emotionally, mentally and physically, remember to hold your head up high and know you are a survivor who never gives up, always believe…[Read more]

    • If you need to talk, I am here hun

    • you dont know anything about me really… if Im so amazing why do I lose everyone I care about? they dont just magically make the choice, and its happened too much for it to just be some freak accident- I *push* them away because Im not a good person

      Im nice at best but even an asshole can be nice if it gets him what he wants

      Ive never…[Read more]

    • I appreciate that, both of you, but I know I probably wont take advantage of the offers

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    jporwave posted a new activity comment 1 month, 3 weeks ago

    In reply to: jporwave posted an update think this is finally it things arent improving… found an amazing guy, hes super sweet and kind, but my thoughts just… focus on her still either hate her or love her but still its her […] View

    i sent a message on her old curious cat account… know she wont ever see it but, i just needed to apologize
    just even acknowledge i know how much i fucked it all up
    all this pain i feel constantly and this emptiness should be karma enough but
    its not
    leaving early is the only way i can make up for it all
    not to her- to myself
    to *him*
    to…[Read more]

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    jporwave changed their profile picture 1 month, 3 weeks ago

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