Seairangel | Friend Connections | BlahTherapy - Online Therapy and Counseling Services.

Passing Stranger
Atlas
active 7 years, 9 months ago
Experience with: Bullying, Careers, Depression, Eating Disorders, Education, General, Grieving, Health & Fitness, Marriage, Mental Disorders, Phobias, Relationships, Self Harm, Social Anxiety
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Display Name	Seairangel
About Me	So this is my story…All my life I have had a problem with depression and I've always felt like I've never really connected with anyone. In the last year my life has once again changes dramatically. My ex and I were together for 7 years, we had two kids together and at one point we were very happy and in love. And then as all men do he started looking outside of our relationship (while I was pregnant with our first child) that's when everything between us started to change. We stuck with it, hopping that things could change, for 4 more years and had another child together. During and after the birth of our youngest I was having a very difficult time dealing with post-partum or maybe even just regular depression and he was having more difficulty staying faithful in our relationship. Our relationship eventually came to ahead and we separated in December of 2012. It seemed to be much more difficult for me than it was for him, I was devastated and found it difficult to get out of my bed on some days. But I pulled myself together and went to the doctors and got a prescription are antidepressants. No matter how horrible I felt I had 2 young children that depended on me and who are the most important people in the world. I never thought that I was capable of the tremendous amount of love that I have for my children, being a mother to them is the most important thing I will ever do in my life. I hold an enormous amount of guilt because my children have to grow up in a broken home. I grew up in a broken home and I never wanted that for own children, they deserve so much more than that. About 5 months after my ex and I broke up I found out that he was moving in with a new girlfriend. Discovering this completely destroyed me, all the progress I thought I had made in getting over him and moving on completely dissolved in the matter of seconds. I have no romantic feeling left for him and I do not want to get back together with him. All I can think of is how after all the years we were together and everything we have been through and everything that we shared meant nothing to him. The fact that he could move on so seriously and without ever looking back was something that I could not understand and hurts me so deeply. Along with the pain I still feel from my ex moving on so quickly and without a second thought I also am desperately lonely. Child bearing has not been kind to me and I hate the way I look. I am so self-conscious I can ever feel happy with myself. I am afraid that my chance for a happily ever after is gone for me. When I get exceptionally lonely and think about putting myself out there I think "no man wants an over weight single mother of two kids and your to ugly for anyone to care about you. Fat people don't matter." Along with all this it has also been increasingly aware to me that nobody cares about me. It is very difficult for me to make friends but when I do I care about them very deeply and would do anything for them but I just don't matter enough to anyone for them to care. friends and people that that have been in my life for years walk out and leave me like I am a disposable person. I have no one to talk to and I have to one to spend my time with. 90% of the time Its just me and my kids and I'm happy with them, I always want them to know that I have always put them first and that they are the most important people in the world to me, but I don't want to live alone forever. I feel like a truly unlovable person and I don't know what I do or what's wrong with me to deserve it.
Age	41
Experienced with	Depression, Parenting, Self Harm, Social Anxiety
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