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    OrderoftheHalfBlood posted an update 4 years, 11 months ago

    I really wouldn’t mind killing myself right now, but I don’t want to hurt my friends, partner, and family. :/ I already failed at my suicide attempt a few weeks ago because I chickened out at the last second. I just wish there was a way that I could erase my presence so that when I kill myself no one would miss me. I thought that once I had good friends and a partner that all my sadness would melt away, but I was wrong. It’s not their fault, it’s my own issues. I really have no reason to feel this way, my life is pretty good, but I just don’t feel like living anymore. I think the suicide of my classmate is triggering this desire to kill myself off. Ever since I found out she died I’ve been having suicidal thoughts pretty regularly. I don’t know anymore. I haven’t told my partner that I’ve attempted suicide before, but she knows that I’m having suicidal thoughts. She just says that I should distract myself, but I wish I could just find the reason why I feel this way. I’m going to try to take a bath and relax before work tomorrow morning.

    Mood : Indescribable
    • talk about it, you don’t have to take on all the weight alone, trust people and let them help you. you only live once life is worth living you just have to find that reason why. but you don’t chose to live for others, you chose to live for yourself first :)

    • Please don’t harm yourself @orderofthehalfblood, you are such a lovely, amazing and fabulous person who deserves all the joy and happiness in the world, things may seem hard but they will get better, I recently lost a dear friend to suicide and it is heartbreaking, please don’t do anything bad to yourself, try to relax and focus on all the things that bring you brightness and hope, you do have so many things to live for, believe in yourself and go forward with confidence, remember you are a fighter who will overcome, you can do it, never give up, inbox me anytime if you want to chat or vent, stay strong, you are never alone :) (hugs)

    • @orderofthehalfblood I hope you consider seeking professional mental healthcare, in order to deal with these intrusive thoughts, an underlying imbalance doesn’t always follow logic or rationality. If you consider doing it, research a bit about how to talk about suicidal thoughts with professioanls so you don’t have to worry about being subjected to mandatory consequences.

    • Thank you for your kind words @yamoros12 …I do trust people, but it’s really a matter of not wanting to burden those that are important with my trivial emotions.

    • Thank you @oliver :)

    • I am already seeking out professional help. And actually, the day after I failed at my attempt I had gone to see my therapist but was too scared to tell her that I tried in fear of the aforementioned mandatory consequences. I just really don’t want to cause any drama, but next time I see my therapist (at the moment I’m not seeing her because I’ve overall been pretty stable up until now) I will try to mention it to her that I’m having thoughts. Thank you for caring enough to comment, @rinseandrep

    • @orderofthehalfblood, don’t be scared to say everything to your therapist, she/he is there right for this, to help you! The worst thing you can do is to be quiet about this. You’re here on this earth for a reason, we all have a reason. We all have something to give to this planet. You make your partner happy, you offer company to your friends. Imagine how hard life would be without you! I know life is really hard and we don’t see any light in the end of the tunel, we only see suicide. But suicide is not an option since only creates pain, please consider that ok? Also consider how important you are!
      This world already lost way too many amazing people, we don’t want to lose you either!
      So I wish you all the luck for you to talk to your therapist about each issue, one at each time, bit by bit. But never give up.
      Much love from the blah community

    • @orderofthehalfblood when you think of suicide, what are the reasons that you think it’ll be a good idea to do it? Could it be your childhood or something that’s hurting you about life? Do you feel you have a healthy self-esteem? Do you have a good relationship with your family? Something tells me there’s something deeper to the way you are feeling… I think you know it but you try to fill the void with having friends and a partner which isn’t filling the void… the void has to be something you feel you didn’t get to experience growing up or even now.