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    Esteban posted an update 2 weeks, 5 days ago

    Enough is enough and seeing 53kg (116lbs) got me too scared. I knew I shouldn’t have had cream with this salmon, I shouldn’t have dined to begin with. I ended up self harming after weighting myself because I cannot stand this. Enough is enough and today I got back to mild restriction… I didn’t feel that hungry but had bad cramps and smelled…[Read more]

    Mood : Afraid
    • Please take care of yourself @heartsofc, I don’t want to see my little bro harming himself or starving himself, do eat right and be kind to yourself and your body, my special little bro, I want to see my fantastic little bro feeling good, happy and positive emotionally, mentally and physically, everything will be OK little bro, please keep going…[Read more]

    • I cannot really speak from a direct eating disorder perspective, But I had an extremely bad relationship with food once upon a time when I was In gym and trying to reach low levels of body fat, The worst thing you can do mentally to yourself is step on that scale everyday, sodium,glycogen,the amount of carbs vs protein you ate the previous…[Read more]

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    Esteban posted an update 3 weeks ago

    Can’t I just die in my sleep already? And why didn’t I die at the lowest point of my anorexia? When my pulse was 40 and that I was freezing, when I was miserable and that my organs were being eaten away by my own body for survival, when I had trouble staying conscious? Now I can always wait, I have absolutely no chance of risking to die anymore.…[Read more]

    Mood : Depressed
    • Oli replied 3 weeks ago

      Please take care of yourself @heartsofc, I want the best for my special little bro, he truly deserves to feel happy, healthy and on top of the world, I care about you so much little bro, I don’t want to see my little bro sad or suicidal, he deserves to be on this earth because he is so awesome and lovely to me, do eat right and get yourself to a…[Read more]

    • You do deserve to live, to be happy, and to feel comfotable in your own skin, Esteban. Do take care and trait yourself kindly, you don’t deserve those harsh words, and less if they come from you. Don’t give up and keep fighting, you are beautiful inside and outside, don’t think otherwise. Stay strong <3

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    Esteban posted an update 3 weeks, 3 days ago

    I dined and now I’m as suicidal as I am stressed. This is so stupid, oh my God… *rocks back and forth as a sign of profound anxiety (and maybe this will also help me burn some more calories)* I hate to have to eat, I hate it so freaking much.

    • Please don’t feel sad @heartsofc, I want my little bro healthy, happy and upbeat, do eat right and take care of yourself, everything will be OK Esteban, I’m so proud of you for all the big and small victories you have accomplished today and will continue to do in the future, keep going little bro and never give up, you can do it, inbox me…[Read more]

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    Esteban and Profile picture of MartaMarta are now friends 3 weeks, 3 days ago

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    Esteban posted an update 3 weeks, 4 days ago

    Wishing everyone a good night! Guess I achieved 3 goals amongst the never ending list I had, today. I did succeed to change my sheets, wash myself and my hair (This was hard, I got tired just in the midle of it, I often fall into such high neglect and have 0 energy to take care of myself, even though I want to); I cooked two meals I used to like…[Read more]

    Mood : Tired
    • I’m so proud of my little bro @heartsofc, keep taking small steps little bro because you will get things done, I want my little bro to feel positive, healthy, happy and ready to take on the world each day with hope, positivity and brightness, do eat as well little bro, take care of yourself and hold your head up high little bro, remember you mean…[Read more]

    • I like to think there are no such thing as small victories. They’re victories, no matter what you’ve achieved. Be proud about every single one of them Esteban, they’re the result of your effort and determination. Step by step, you’ll achieve all your goals, so don’t stop believing in yourself <3

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    Esteban posted an update 3 weeks, 5 days ago

    This morning, I was close to 50 kilos. To me it’s nothing compared to my lowest weight (42) or my “meh, fine then” weight which is 47, but it’s like an important step I’d be happy to achieve again… Because my parents were here, I couldn’t throw up lunch (it wasn’t caloric at all but I got scared anyway, because I couldn’t go out to burn…[Read more]

    Mood : Ashamed
    • I don’t want my little bro to harm his body @heartsofc, I want to see him healthy, happy and to eat right, please take care of yourself little bro, love and embrace every part of yourself because you are fabulous in every single way, everything will be OK, keep going little bro and know you are amazing inside and out, inbox me anytime if you want…[Read more]

    • You are not unmotivated, neither a failure, Esteban. You are beautiful and amazing, inside and outside. Don’t think otherwise, and don’t let negative thoughts make you feel like you don’t deserve to love yourself. Keep fighting, don’t give up Esteban. We believe in you!!

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    Esteban posted an update 4 weeks, 1 day ago

    Thanks to a hair growth gel, I now have some kind of a mustache even without HRT yet. It obviously didn’t work for my hair because nothing will replace the food it needs for it to be healthy, but of I ignore the rest of my disgusting body, it may be the first time I ever smile looking at a part of my reflection. People are right, maybe I’ll have…[Read more]

    Mood : Blank
    • I want my little bro to be proud of who he is inside and out @heartsofc, do love and embrace every part of yourself, you are such an awesome and lovely man, hold your head up high little bro because you are special in every single way, always be kind to yourself little bro and never give up, shine brightly and keep going forward, you can do it,…[Read more]

    • It might look like a simple thing to some people, but you said it yourself Esteban. The fact that you could grow facial hair made you smile. Celebrate every victory, no matter how small. Your circumstances might not be the ideal ones roight now, but this situations it’s not permanent. Fight a battle at a time, and you’ll finally win the war. You…[Read more]

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    Esteban posted a new activity comment 1 month ago

    In reply to: Esteban posted an update – 300g… But even the slightest loss of weight doesn’t make me happpy anymore. I should be glad I didn’t gain, but I won’t be happy until I see at least a 47kg on this scale again, and for […] View

    @unconditionalnorth I know this too well… When I started to restrict just a little again by skipping snack and dinner time, I didn’t loose weight but instead got fat tissue growing over my mostly-muscles {physically recovering from anorexia, I made way more muscle mass than fat at first). I started to gain weight again after being stabilized at…[Read more]

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    Esteban posted a new activity comment 1 month ago

    In reply to: Esteban posted an update Just a thought… Sometimes I wish I knew how to respond or communicate to help people too, because all I do is complain about myself. All I can say is ”I’m sorry”, ”it must be hard” or just […] View

    @m1s1m3 Thanks Marta. It just is that I don’t have the words to help people but you’re also right: it’s better I take care of myself first before trying to sort other people’s problems out. “A blind can’t guide another blind or they’ll both fall” (or something like that) is an expression I’ve often heard, and here it cannot be more true.…[Read more]

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    Esteban posted an update 1 month ago

    - 300g… But even the slightest loss of weight doesn’t make me happpy anymore. I should be glad I didn’t gain, but I won’t be happy until I see at least a 47kg on this scale again, and for this I know I need to drastically cut my intake, as low as before… I don’t dare to do this again, like I said, but since I need to feel like I still have some…[Read more]

    Mood : Worried
    • Oli replied 1 month ago

      Please eat, I want my little bro to be at a good weight @heartsofc, please don’t starve yourself, you truly deserve to be happy, positive and healthy, look after yourself little bro, I’ll always be here for you, you are so special and wonderful to me little bro, inbox me anytime if you want to chat or vent, stay strong, you are never alone :) <3…[Read more]

    • Take care of yourself, Esteban, do eat and drink. Our body needs every vitamin, carbohydrate, protein, lipid, etc. to work properly and to keeps us healthy. Focus in activities that you usually enjoy to keep your mind busy, and try to rest and don’t take your body to it’s limit. And don’t be afraid to talk to people you trust, and seek for help.…[Read more]

    • You know the whole weight thing is BS… Muscles weight more then fat. Arnold Schwarzenegger was over 300LB he would be morbidly obese according to the BMI scale. Stay away from unnatural sugars but you don’t need completely cut it out of your diet eat plenty of proteins and fibers and for the love of your sanity stay off the scale. I don’t know…[Read more]

    • @unconditionalnorth I know this too well… When I started to restrict just a little again by skipping snack and dinner time, I didn’t loose weight but instead got fat tissue growing over my mostly-muscles {physically recovering from anorexia, I made way more muscle mass than fat at first). I started to gain weight again after being stabilized at…[Read more]

    • No one is ever happy with their looks and trying to achieve the impossible will be a never ending struggle (and causing you to be sick). I think a way to over come this is by letting go of that hope of being what you want to be and just be happy with who you are, and yes this will have the stages of grieving connected to i because you are letting…[Read more]

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    Esteban posted an update 1 month ago

    I hope I won’t gain weight tomorrow… I did go for a quick 30min run in the morning, then worked out my legs a little, then walked again for another 30 minutes after lunch, and as always stayed standing up and bounced in place in front of my computer all day, but even if I tell myself that I’ve always burned more calories than if I had to sit…[Read more]

    Mood : Stressed
    • Oli replied 1 month ago

      Please eat @heartsofc, I don’t want my little bro to starve, I want to see you truly happy, positive and healthy, do take care of yourself emotionally, mentally and physically little bro, make each day as bright as you can and never give up, you deserve all the best out of life little bro, keep going and never give up, you can do it little bro,…[Read more]

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    Esteban posted an update 1 month ago

    Just a thought… Sometimes I wish I knew how to respond or communicate to help people too, because all I do is complain about myself. All I can say is “I’m sorry”, “it must be hard” or just listen and nod. Guess I’m too exhasuted and drown in my own pain to trycommunicate with anybody even more anyway, and if I did it like I REALLY wanted…[Read more]

    Mood : Lethargic
    • Oli replied 1 month ago

      I want my little bro to get this thoughts, feelings and emotions out in a way that truly helps and benefits him @heartsofc, do focus on your health and happiness first little bro, you deserve to feel amazing because you are so fantastic to me, I’m sure you will get to help others Esteban, you have been there for me so much which I’m so grateful…[Read more]

    • That’s why we are here! Sometimes we will help, and sometimes we’ll need to be helped. Don’t say sorry about not being able to help, Esteban, you have to take care of yourself first. And when you feel ready, you’ll be back helping :) . On the other hand, what you mentioned about your ways of communication; the thing is that everyone of us react…[Read more]

    • @m1s1m3 Thanks Marta. It just is that I don’t have the words to help people but you’re also right: it’s better I take care of myself first before trying to sort other people’s problems out. “A blind can’t guide another blind or they’ll both fall” (or something like that) is an expression I’ve often heard, and here it cannot be more true.…[Read more]

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    Esteban posted an update 1 month ago

    Another meal that I found disgusting and which didn’t feel right. As always I waited to be on the verge of fainting before feeding myself. All the way through I was crying, forcing the food in my mouth while gagging in a full blown panic attack. I want to throw up so badly but I can’t because my parents are here. I can’t breathe, I want this…[Read more]

    Mood : Stressed
    • Oli replied 1 month ago

      Please eat and look after yourself @heartsofc, I want my special and lovely little bro to feel happy, healthy and amazing, I care about him so much and want the best for him, you mean so much to me, my awesome little bro, I want to see you feeling good physically, mentally and emotionally, everything will be OK, remember you are so courageous,…[Read more]

    • Battles with our own body and self steem can be extremely devastating. Esteban remember that both your body and mind are your own temples. Remember to take care of both of them; eat what you need to have enough energy and nutrients, drink to stay hydrated, sleep to recover energy, close your eyes and focus just in you to calm your mind. You are an…[Read more]

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    Esteban changed their profile picture 1 month, 1 week ago

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    Esteban became a registered member 1 month, 1 week ago