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    Esteban posted an update 6 days, 7 hours ago

    Secondly, working in such an unsanitary place got me infected with staphylococcus aureus… I’ve been taking two antibiotics and the bacteria’s still in me. I hope this try will the good so the last one, but how do you want me to get cured if I keep breathing dust, moisture and crap? If I keep taking human feces and urine right into my face and…[Read more]

    Mood : Sad
    • I don’t want to see my fantastic little brother getting sick and ill from working in a dangerous and unclean environment @heartsofc, I want my little bro to be safe, healthy and happy at work, he deserves to work in a place where he feels appreciated and valued because of all the hard work and effort he puts in every day, my little brother will…[Read more]

    • Please don’t harm yourself @heartsofc, my little brother will be successful and he will make all his dreams come true, hold your head up high and keep going forward with a sense of optimism and confidence little brother, my little brother’s future will be so bright and amazing, I believe in you little brother and I’m so proud of you, never give…[Read more]

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    Esteban posted an update 6 days, 9 hours ago

    I’m sorry to have disappeared from here, It’s because I really am not doing well.

    First, the end of therapy with my current psychologist (after 3 years together, her contract is now over) is absolutely heartbreaking for me. She told me this 3 weeks ago and next friday will be our last appointment. Ever since then, I still can’t stop crying my…[Read more]

    Mood : Depressed
    • Oli replied 6 days ago

      Hopefully she will keep in touch with you so my little brother will always have someone to talk too @heartsofc, I want my special little brother to be happy and to surround himself with positive things and compassionate people, I love and care about my awesome little bro and I want the best for him, my little brother will find the right help and…[Read more]

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    Esteban posted an update 2 months, 1 week ago

    I’ve never experienceed such level of dysphoria… Long story short: I’ve had my period 2 months ago, after loosing it for 3 years due to my eating disorder. But what would you expect? Yes I was eating, but I was eating “clean” and exercising a lot to compensate still, but then I got very sick… forcing me to stop exercising altogether, but…[Read more]

    Mood : Anxious
    • Please take care of yourself and stay healthy @heartsofc, I love and care about my special little brother so much, I want him to truly love himself and every part of his body, he’s an amazing man who deserves to stay true to himself and live as the wonderful man that he is, my little bro will get approval and he will get all the appointments with…[Read more]

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    Esteban posted an update 2 months, 2 weeks ago

    My body’s sick and exhausted, my mind’s sick and exhausted, I’m exhausted and everyone and everything is darn exhausting. It’s been 9 years of suffering and I don’t even know who to listen anymore or what’s real: do I just “don’t want to get better” like they said? Maybe. I also am lazy, maybe I don’t put enough effort into things when I…[Read more]

    Mood : Depressed
    • I don’t want to see my special little brother sad and depressed @heartsofc, he is so wonderful and lovely to me, I want to see my little bro truly happy and healthy, my awesome little bro deserves all the happiness life can bring, please don’t kill yourself little bro, you mean so much to me, everything will be OK little bro, you will overcome…[Read more]

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    Esteban posted an update 4 months ago

    This day so far have been filled with cries, desires to die and urges to hurt myself. I’m both in physical and mental pain and I just want everything to end already. It’s like I’ve lost all feeling of even the slighest pleasure, I can’t see nor want to study for a future (how to want? Even when I like the stuff, I still ma lazy and end up in…[Read more]

    Mood : Sad
    • Oli replied 4 months ago

      I don’t want to see my special little bro hurting @heartsofc, my lovely, sweet and kind little bro is a fighter, he will make it through this because he is so strong, brave, amazing and courageous, please take care of yourself little bro and don’t let dark thoughts get you down, my little bro will overcome all the pain and come out so much…[Read more]

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    Esteban posted an update 4 months, 2 weeks ago

    Update: I’m now heavily medicated for 3 months, for my bone and nerve pain (5 medications)… Plus physical, electrical, heat therapy and reeducation, and a back belt. Seems like a lot! I’m worried of getting fat, so I can’t help but restrict, which is stupid considering denutrition is partially what caused my current state………… I also…[Read more]

    • Please stay healthy and take care of yourself @heartsofc, I’m so worried about my special little bro, I want to see him happy physically, mentally and emotionally, please know I’ll always be here for you, my sweet, awesome and fantastic little bro, you will make it through this because you are so brave, strong and amazing, keep going forward and…[Read more]

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    Esteban posted an update 4 months, 2 weeks ago

    It HAD to happen someday and my body said ”stop” to my last and recent weight free-fall. I may have gained – some – of the weight back to be back to normal numbers, but my bones… Can’t explain. I just hope that the damage isn’t permanent, because I’m now full of tremendous pain a little bit of everywhere, and my health state is worrisome.

    I’m…[Read more]

    Mood : Hurt
    • Please look after yourself and stay healthy @heartsofc, I want the best for my special, sweet and lovely little bro, take care of yourself in mind, body and spirit, my awesome little bro, eat well and keep going forward with purpose and confidence, I don’t want my little bro to break down, he is so strong and he will make it through this, I don’t…[Read more]

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    Esteban posted an update 6 months, 2 weeks ago

    I find it sad that my only goal for 2019 is only to finally have the courage to kill myself. I’ve been suffering for so long now, 2019 making it “for 8 years”, and it kept getting worse with time passing. I don’t want this to go on. God, here I am standing in front of the train tracks again, weeping, rocking left and right as a vain way to…[Read more]

    Mood : Depressed
    • Please don’t think like that @heartsofc, I don’t want my special little bro to kill himself, he is so lovely and special to me, I want my fantastic little bro to feel happy and positive, he truly deserves happiness, remember I love and care about you little bro, you mean so much to me, you will make it through this little bro because you are a…[Read more]

    • I’m so sad to read that you’re going through so much pain, @heartsofc… That’s the only goal for you, you say, but there’s something else: you wish to feel better, and to get rid of all the negative and painful emotions. I know you can do it, you’ve being fighting like a brave warrior, without giving up. Please never stop believing in…[Read more]

    • I’m so sorry you are going through this. What you are experiencing is not fair and you deserve so much better. Overcoming this is possible and I have faith in you that you will get through this because you are courageous.

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    Esteban posted an update 6 months, 3 weeks ago

    Seems like the only thing I’m good at is losing 8 lbs in 1 week and ruining my health for whatever reason. My limb extremities are numb, cold and turn black, I’m constantly light-headed and fainted more than I can count, plus I now have chest pains (maybe from potassium loss due to throwing up). What a mess, and trying to eat just normal or even…[Read more]

    • Please take care of yourself and eat @heartsofc, I don’t want to see my little bro suffering, he deserves to feel good inside and out, I want the best for you little bro, please have some food and be kind to yourself, you will make it through this and I’ll be here for you every step of the way, you are a fighter little bro, keep going and never…[Read more]

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    Esteban posted an update 7 months, 3 weeks ago

    Enough is enough and seeing 53kg (116lbs) got me too scared. I knew I shouldn’t have had cream with this salmon, I shouldn’t have dined to begin with. I ended up self harming after weighting myself because I cannot stand this. Enough is enough and today I got back to mild restriction… I didn’t feel that hungry but had bad cramps and smelled…[Read more]

    Mood : Afraid
    • Please take care of yourself @heartsofc, I don’t want to see my little bro harming himself or starving himself, do eat right and be kind to yourself and your body, my special little bro, I want to see my fantastic little bro feeling good, happy and positive emotionally, mentally and physically, everything will be OK little bro, please keep going…[Read more]

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    Esteban posted an update 7 months, 3 weeks ago

    Can’t I just die in my sleep already? And why didn’t I die at the lowest point of my anorexia? When my pulse was 40 and that I was freezing, when I was miserable and that my organs were being eaten away by my own body for survival, when I had trouble staying conscious? Now I can always wait, I have absolutely no chance of risking to die anymore.…[Read more]

    Mood : Depressed
    • Please take care of yourself @heartsofc, I want the best for my special little bro, he truly deserves to feel happy, healthy and on top of the world, I care about you so much little bro, I don’t want to see my little bro sad or suicidal, he deserves to be on this earth because he is so awesome and lovely to me, do eat right and get yourself to a…[Read more]

    • You do deserve to live, to be happy, and to feel comfotable in your own skin, Esteban. Do take care and trait yourself kindly, you don’t deserve those harsh words, and less if they come from you. Don’t give up and keep fighting, you are beautiful inside and outside, don’t think otherwise. Stay strong <3

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    Esteban posted an update 7 months, 4 weeks ago

    I dined and now I’m as suicidal as I am stressed. This is so stupid, oh my God… *rocks back and forth as a sign of profound anxiety (and maybe this will also help me burn some more calories)* I hate to have to eat, I hate it so freaking much.

    • Please don’t feel sad @heartsofc, I want my little bro healthy, happy and upbeat, do eat right and take care of yourself, everything will be OK Esteban, I’m so proud of you for all the big and small victories you have accomplished today and will continue to do in the future, keep going little bro and never give up, you can do it, inbox me…[Read more]

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    Esteban and Profile picture of MartaMarta are now friends 7 months, 4 weeks ago

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    Esteban posted an update 8 months ago

    Wishing everyone a good night! Guess I achieved 3 goals amongst the never ending list I had, today. I did succeed to change my sheets, wash myself and my hair (This was hard, I got tired just in the midle of it, I often fall into such high neglect and have 0 energy to take care of myself, even though I want to); I cooked two meals I used to like…[Read more]

    Mood : Tired
    • Oli replied 8 months ago

      I’m so proud of my little bro @heartsofc, keep taking small steps little bro because you will get things done, I want my little bro to feel positive, healthy, happy and ready to take on the world each day with hope, positivity and brightness, do eat as well little bro, take care of yourself and hold your head up high little bro, remember you mean…[Read more]

    • I like to think there are no such thing as small victories. They’re victories, no matter what you’ve achieved. Be proud about every single one of them Esteban, they’re the result of your effort and determination. Step by step, you’ll achieve all your goals, so don’t stop believing in yourself <3

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    Esteban posted an update 8 months ago

    This morning, I was close to 50 kilos. To me it’s nothing compared to my lowest weight (42) or my “meh, fine then” weight which is 47, but it’s like an important step I’d be happy to achieve again… Because my parents were here, I couldn’t throw up lunch (it wasn’t caloric at all but I got scared anyway, because I couldn’t go out to burn…[Read more]

    Mood : Ashamed
    • Oli replied 8 months ago

      I don’t want my little bro to harm his body @heartsofc, I want to see him healthy, happy and to eat right, please take care of yourself little bro, love and embrace every part of yourself because you are fabulous in every single way, everything will be OK, keep going little bro and know you are amazing inside and out, inbox me anytime if you want…[Read more]

    • You are not unmotivated, neither a failure, Esteban. You are beautiful and amazing, inside and outside. Don’t think otherwise, and don’t let negative thoughts make you feel like you don’t deserve to love yourself. Keep fighting, don’t give up Esteban. We believe in you!!

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    Esteban posted an update 8 months ago

    Thanks to a hair growth gel, I now have some kind of a mustache even without HRT yet. It obviously didn’t work for my hair because nothing will replace the food it needs for it to be healthy, but of I ignore the rest of my disgusting body, it may be the first time I ever smile looking at a part of my reflection. People are right, maybe I’ll have…[Read more]

    Mood : Blank
    • Oli replied 8 months ago

      I want my little bro to be proud of who he is inside and out @heartsofc, do love and embrace every part of yourself, you are such an awesome and lovely man, hold your head up high little bro because you are special in every single way, always be kind to yourself little bro and never give up, shine brightly and keep going forward, you can do it,…[Read more]

    • It might look like a simple thing to some people, but you said it yourself Esteban. The fact that you could grow facial hair made you smile. Celebrate every victory, no matter how small. Your circumstances might not be the ideal ones roight now, but this situations it’s not permanent. Fight a battle at a time, and you’ll finally win the war. You…[Read more]

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    Esteban posted a new activity comment 8 months, 1 week ago

    In reply to: Esteban posted an update – 300g… But even the slightest loss of weight doesn’t make me happpy anymore. I should be glad I didn’t gain, but I won’t be happy until I see at least a 47kg on this scale again, and for […] View

    @unconditionalnorth I know this too well… When I started to restrict just a little again by skipping snack and dinner time, I didn’t loose weight but instead got fat tissue growing over my mostly-muscles {physically recovering from anorexia, I made way more muscle mass than fat at first). I started to gain weight again after being stabilized at…[Read more]

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    Esteban posted a new activity comment 8 months, 1 week ago

    In reply to: Esteban posted an update Just a thought… Sometimes I wish I knew how to respond or communicate to help people too, because all I do is complain about myself. All I can say is ”I’m sorry”, ”it must be hard” or just […] View

    @m1s1m3 Thanks Marta. It just is that I don’t have the words to help people but you’re also right: it’s better I take care of myself first before trying to sort other people’s problems out. “A blind can’t guide another blind or they’ll both fall” (or something like that) is an expression I’ve often heard, and here it cannot be more true.…[Read more]

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    Esteban posted an update 8 months, 1 week ago

    - 300g… But even the slightest loss of weight doesn’t make me happpy anymore. I should be glad I didn’t gain, but I won’t be happy until I see at least a 47kg on this scale again, and for this I know I need to drastically cut my intake, as low as before… I don’t dare to do this again, like I said, but since I need to feel like I still have some…[Read more]

    Mood : Worried
    • Please eat, I want my little bro to be at a good weight @heartsofc, please don’t starve yourself, you truly deserve to be happy, positive and healthy, look after yourself little bro, I’ll always be here for you, you are so special and wonderful to me little bro, inbox me anytime if you want to chat or vent, stay strong, you are never alone :) <3…[Read more]

    • Take care of yourself, Esteban, do eat and drink. Our body needs every vitamin, carbohydrate, protein, lipid, etc. to work properly and to keeps us healthy. Focus in activities that you usually enjoy to keep your mind busy, and try to rest and don’t take your body to it’s limit. And don’t be afraid to talk to people you trust, and seek for help.…[Read more]

    • You know the whole weight thing is BS… Muscles weight more then fat. Arnold Schwarzenegger was over 300LB he would be morbidly obese according to the BMI scale. Stay away from unnatural sugars but you don’t need completely cut it out of your diet eat plenty of proteins and fibers and for the love of your sanity stay off the scale. I don’t know…[Read more]

    • @unconditionalnorth I know this too well… When I started to restrict just a little again by skipping snack and dinner time, I didn’t loose weight but instead got fat tissue growing over my mostly-muscles {physically recovering from anorexia, I made way more muscle mass than fat at first). I started to gain weight again after being stabilized at…[Read more]

    • No one is ever happy with their looks and trying to achieve the impossible will be a never ending struggle (and causing you to be sick). I think a way to over come this is by letting go of that hope of being what you want to be and just be happy with who you are, and yes this will have the stages of grieving connected to i because you are letting…[Read more]

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    Esteban posted an update 8 months, 1 week ago

    I hope I won’t gain weight tomorrow… I did go for a quick 30min run in the morning, then worked out my legs a little, then walked again for another 30 minutes after lunch, and as always stayed standing up and bounced in place in front of my computer all day, but even if I tell myself that I’ve always burned more calories than if I had to sit…[Read more]

    Mood : Stressed
    • Please eat @heartsofc, I don’t want my little bro to starve, I want to see you truly happy, positive and healthy, do take care of yourself emotionally, mentally and physically little bro, make each day as bright as you can and never give up, you deserve all the best out of life little bro, keep going and never give up, you can do it little bro,…[Read more]

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