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    Hayden posted an update 1 month ago

    It’s been awhile, but I wanted to check in. Doesn’t seem that much has changed around here, which comes as a major disappointment, but not necessarily a shock.

    Anyway, I think I need to vent. It doesn’t really matter if anyone sees this or even reads it, I just need an outlet. BT has always been there for me, above all else and through all of my experiences.
    I’ve been struggling quite badly lately and last night, I relapsed. I cut my arm and am left feeling lonely and rejected. Today, I sit alone in bed contemplating taking that last step and downing a bottle of pills or something alike, the one and only thing stopping me being my fear of somehow screwing up a suicide attempt and instead suffering but not dying.

    I’m just very tired of this life and can’t take anymore hurt. Anymore pain. I feel like relapsing was the official full-stop to my life and I no longer have a purpose or a point. I hurt everyone who cares about me, and even then, I’m not sure if they truly do care or not. They probably do, but my head is clouded. I don’t know.

    I guess I’ve held onto the hope for a long time that things will someday get better, but unfortunately I’ve had that hope for over a decade now and don’t see the light.

    Mood : Depressed
    • Oli replied 1 month ago

      Please don’t harm or kill yourself @devilndisguise, you are so lovely, amazing, incredible and special to me and the entire BT community Hayden, so many people care about and love you Hayden, you are a much valued and appreciated member of BT Hayden, things will get better for you, my brave and courageous friend Hayden, don’t let the dark moments break you down Hayden, so much happiness, brightness and hope will come your way Hayden, you will overcome all the tough times to see all the wonderful moments that lie ahead for you Hayden, please don’t give up Hayden, you are a survivor and fighter, you will make it through this Hayden and I’ll be here with you every step of the way, hold your head up high and remember to always smile Hayden, you can do it Hayden, remember to always believe in yourself, I’m so proud of you Hayden and please know we all want the best for you Hayden, keep going forward Hayden because so much sunshine will beam into your life, feel free to inbox me anytime if you ever need to talk Hayden, stay strong, you are never alone :) <3 (hugs)

    • don’t ’hope’ for it. make it happen. of course it’s a hell of a journey so i’m by no means downplaying the difficulty of it but quite simply – figure out where you are in life. your limitations, your strengths, etc. then figure out where you want to be. make a plan to go from where you are to where you want to be and follow it consistently. don’t put too much pressure on yourself though. things can get complicated and that’s alright. it’s alright if you fall back a few times. just focus on reaching your goals. suicide…eh, it’s really just a mindblock. again, not invalidating your feelings. you might use the thought of it as a safe haven though – like a backup plan when things get too tough. so maybe try to restrain from thinking too much on it when you’re down. best of luck and if you need to talk, feel free to message me