Hey, guys. It’s been awhile.

I’ve been through a lot of shit recently. Let me explain:
I’ve had a lot of toxic people drag me down. Recently, I cut a lot of them out of my life. I’m glad I did. I’m also in a very healthy relationship with my new boyfriend. I’m very happy with him. He’s helped me… and I can say to you guys, confidently, that I am getting better. Here’s some advice for you all: The hole you’re in is not bottomless. Don’t try to look for ”that one thing that will make your life better.”Just live your life, and eventually it’ll get better. I promise. You are strong, and you can do it.

I also have something to share with all of you. I am still trying to come to terms with this, myself, and I’m ready to talk about it.
I was sexually assaulted once, maybe twice (depending on if you think coerced consent is a thing). The second time wasn’t nearly as bad as the first; I just didn’t understand that I should say I wanted to do things when I actually wanted to do them, not just when I was okay with doing them. The first time is what I really need to talk about.
We met at summer camp. His name was Forrest, and we came home from camp boyfriend and girlfriend. Everything was fine until three months in. Then, we had our first kiss. Here’s the story: It was in a hammock under the stars (we were camping). It was (obviously) with Forrest; the time was 12:17, and everyone else was asleep. I didn’t really want to kiss him, but I could see that he wanted it, so I did. That was all, the first night. It wasn’t so bad the first time, but then it just spiraled downwards from there. He went to sleep, and our relationship only progressed from then on. I should’ve ended it, but I was too afraid. So the next night we stayed up late, but I didn’t like the scared feeling in my chest, so I pretended to hear something as an excuse to go back to my hammock. I started to get up, but he grabbed my arms and he said it was nothing, then kissed me. I pulled away, and said to him, ”let me up right now or I swear to G*d I’m gonna scream.” His response: ”who would hear it?” I said i would tell. ”Who would believe you?” Then, he looked me in the eye and said to me, ”you are powerless.” he waited until the last second, when I opened my mouth to scream, and then he let me go. I ran to my hammock, pulled the zipper shut, and tied it shut from the inside. I stayed up for another three hours, scared. Later, though, he said he was sorry, and that it wouldn’t happen again, so I let it go. But he wasn’t sorry, because it did happen again. For the next 6 months, it happened. I never left, because I was weak, didn’t understand that it was wrong, scared to be alone. I always believed him, for some reason. So I learned from him that I was powerless, and that he was the only one who would ever want someone like me, and that he was doing me a favor, and that terrible things would happen if I ever spoke about what he was doing. I learned that when I said no, he would hit me, or play my trigger noises (those are noises that affect my synesthesia in a way such that I am rendered completely defenseless, unable to speak, breathe, think, move, and anything else you can think of. It was almost worse than the blows.). And so I learned after a while not to say no to him. For 6 months, I endured this. The end of our relationship came when he cheated on me and left me for another girl. His last words to me as my boyfriend were ”sorry, you weren’t good enough. I’m breaking up with you.”
Now, I cut all contact with him. He used to text me, but I blocked him at the suggestion of my boyfriend. The closest I’ll ever get to him is instagram. His friends like posting pictures of him. Every time I see a photo of him… I remember. Those hands have done things it hurts to remember. Those lips have kissed mine milliseconds after they said no… or maybe to stop me from saying no. Those eyes ripped me apart, and that voice… I said “stop,” he said “no, you’ll like it.” That, or he simply said ”no.” He fucked me up. He silenced me. I still don’t have my voice back, but I’m trying.
He still has my mind hostage. I can’t be alone, or in the dark, or in small spaces. I see him every night in my dreams, and it’s getting harder to sleep. In the night, I always have that unsettling feeling on my neck, like he’s watching me. Everything becomes him. The wind in the trees, the lights of passing cars, even my own shadow. I’m trying to get better, but it’s a process. I’ll get there eventually.
For a while, I blamed myself. But then I realized it wasn’t my fault. I address all others like me when I say this: It isn’t your fault. Nothing that happened to you was your fault. The only thing you can control is yourself. Nothing else.

I’m here for all of you on the BT community. I love you all.

Thanks for listening to my story.
-Echo