@oldvolks how many professionals have you seen? ASking this since nowdays professionals in this area diagnose people VERY lightly, aka they fuck up. If you only saw one I recommend you to see at least one more to see another opinion from a professional. If you have seen multiple however, from what I know situations like yours are easily managed with the correct medication.
I can’t imagine what is like but don’t worry there are methods that can help you.
I hope I helped a little. Best of luck hun**

I agree with @marikofujimoto, I would see a professional such as a doctor or psychologist so you can get a diagnosis @oldvolks, I’m sure you will find the right support and help that will benefit you Julia, remember to keep fighting and know you will be OK, you will beat all the dark moments as brighter days will be ahead for you, try to stay positive and keep going forward Julia, you can do it, inbox me anytime if you want to chat or vent, stay strong, you are never alone (hugs)