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    Trevor posted an update 7 years, 9 months ago

    A few hours ago, I finally switched over from being soul crushingly depressed into full on MANIC mode! To a lesser extend I’d been depressed the whole week…but the past couple of days, I’ve never felt such a vast emptiness in my heart or a more profound sadness within my soul. I’m just glad SOMETHING changed, because holy shit feeling that alone was becoming unbearable.

    Of course, between my OCD and perfectionism, I always have to do everything in life ”all or nothing” . In typical fashion, I got more work done on my bedroom this morning, just in the past 2-3 hours, than I have managed to get done in the past 2-3 months. If I stop and really think about it, it’s actually SHOCKING… the UNIMAGINABLE amount of potential that is wasted on a constant basis. All because my mind can’t just function like a normal person’s and not lock up in anxiety or indefinitely freeze from chronic indecision.

    I’m starting to try and force myself to just … just start doing ANYTHING, making WHATEVER choice, just to get past the decision and move on with my life…for once, lol. Perhaps even if I make a few wrong decisions, once I see that the world does not, in fact, end as a result…

    …I should be able to reassure myself and …god forbid, actually begin to develop some confidence for once. Just so long as I don’t sit there and fucking regret the missteps for all eternity, as I still do constantly over shit that happened over a decade ago, etc… *sigh*

    I don’t know where that loneliness came from, but it was incredibly painful… like I was on the verge of breaking down all day, but couldn’t cry. The frustration of having to try and suppress all of my emotions leads to so much unnecessary misery.

    Even if I could talk to someone, I just feel SO guilty bitching and moaning about my problems… that it almost cancels out any progress made… like, just converting loneliness into guilt. lol .. Either way, I’m just trying to use this to establish some momentum for once and try and get things to snowball in a good way for once. It’s only a matter of time before the mania wears off, this is why I setup that Discord server so many months ago.

    I really needed to talk to someone live the other night…. and I know this sit has Vent/Listen, but Discord was going to allow people to start building actual friendships. A place here you don’t have to retell you situation over and over again. Anyway, I’m just rambling at this point. I really do want to give the Discord server another shot, just need to have people who download the Desktop program and have it running in the background. If people just show up once… ever…. or there are only 5 people who check it out… and of them, there is never more than 2 people online at a time. *sigh*

    Blahtherapy isn’t even vibrant enough these days to breath life into a Discord server with anything approaching decent numbers, lol. This is why I need to stop fucking around, shut up and just start my website. I can always transfer it later on, I can upgrade it, what ever. I need to STOP waiting to only do something when it will be PERFECT the first attempt. Holy shit that is pure… I mean PURE… LUNACY… when I stop and REALLY think about it, haha. If you read through all of this, thank you! I love you! <3

    Mood : Accomplished
    • Try to stay as positive as you can @nightwake, fill your mind with happiness and love Trevor, I’m sure your website will be absolutely amazing once you have finished it, do keep going and never give up, create what will make you feel wonderful, you can do it, I’m always here if you need to chat or vent, message me anytime, my inbox is always open, stay strong, you are never alone :) (hugs)